Imagine
by heatherlea75
Summary: 1980 has been a lousy year for the entire gang, particularly Hyde and Jackie. When a beloved cultural icon dies, the two take an impulsive trip to New York, together. While there, they remember old impressions of one another, and discover new things about
1. Watching The Wheels

**Disclaimer: **I don't own. Never will, unfortunately.

**Author's Note:** Since I'm wrapping up FHS, it's time to start a new story. This is my tribute to John Lennon, a man of incredible talent. I don't necessarily agree with all of his beliefs, but I have an enormous amout of respect and admiration for him. I love his music. I'm saying that for a reason, and I think you'll understand by the end of the story. You might even understand right away. :) The titles of the chapters are John Lennon songs, the subtitles are lyrics from that chapter's title. I hope I'm going to hook you again!

I'll be posting this story on Sunday nights.

**Warning: **Language

**Imagine **

**Watching the Wheels **

_**I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall… **_

_December 8, 1980_

The Forman basement hadn't always been this cold, or this quiet. Sometimes, when no one else was around, Steven Hyde almost heard, literally, how it used to be, the voices of his friends, laughter, tears, screams, even sweet, slight smacking kisses. And often when he closed his eyes to sleep, just as he drifted off, images flooded the screen of his mind. Images of the group. Images of good times. Images of her, most of all.

He always felt himself wince when her dark hair suddenly lightened, her olive skin lightened, her tiny body stretched into a tall and willowy form that taunted him with words he couldn't quite make out. It seemed like every time that happened, when he woke up all the covers were off his bed, crumpled on the floor.

So many images of stuff that was all basically gone. Present in shadow only.

The gang was back together. All six of them, no interlopers. As it should be, or supposedly should be.

Hyde sat on his chair, a white armless one he'd been sitting in for years. He looked around from behind his shades. It was like sitting in a hospital waiting room with strangers rather than in a much-loved, much-used hangout.

1979 had been one brutal year. 1980 wasn't proving much better.

Forman had come back at the beginning of the year. Kelso, too. Hadn't made a difference. Forman was different, no longer the sarcastic, self-deprecating do-gooder he'd left as. No, Africa had gifted him with assertiveness.

Hyde's eyes settled on Forman and Donna sitting on the couch. Not touching. With space between them. He noticed Donna rolling her eyes nearly every time Forman spoke. He'd noticed that a lot lately. Someone didn't appreciate the changes in her boyfriend. Go figure, now that Forman had decided he was, in fact, worthy of Donna Pinciotti and wasn't so apt to bend over backwards to appease her.

His eyes slid past Donna, to Kelso. Good old Michael Kelso. His idiocy had only grown. Only problem was, no one had much patience for it anymore.

Fez stood behind Kelso. Ah, Fez. Hyde blinked rapidly. Still wasn't sure what to make of that whole situation. Fez hadn't brought his new friend around yet, though he'd told the gang about Terry. The man who'd changed the foreigner's life. Hyde sometimes wondered if he owned a candy store, or porn shop, maybe some freaky sex club, and Fez had made up the "I always suspected, but meeting Terry made me sure" story up to seem just a little less perverted and weird. They'd all suspected, but somehow, never really thought it. Guess they should have.

He didn't want to look at the lawn chair directly across the table from him.

And so, he didn't.

But he saw her, damned peripheral vision. Quiet and pale, like she'd been so often lately. Still beautiful. Still infuriatingly beautiful. Still stealing quick looks his way, for some goddamn reason.

He closed his eyes. Should have never let her cry on his shoulder after her talk with Fez. That night at the watertower, those tears of hers. Oddly, she'd offered to leave. Probably for the first time, she'd offered him a way out instead of forcing him in. He'd been the one to keep here there.

Now she was going to get all moony over him again. She'd try to get his attention, try to slither into him. Try to hold his hand and skip him down some yellow brick road she'd dreamed up. One lined with roses and shiny presents and constant "I love you's." She'd try to make him love her. She'd try to force him to let her love him.

What in the hell was love, anyway? Just a word with a meaning that varied from person to person…so no real meaning at all. No concrete definition. He had no clue if he'd ever felt it. Sure, he'd told her he loved her, back in the day. He'd told Sam he loved her, too, though he was pretty sure when he told Sam, he was lying and drunk and high. But who the hell knew. Maybe even with Jackie it had only been lust. A mild liking. Love? How could he have felt it if he still to this day couldn't define it?

Stupid, freaking road. A road made of fool's gold. Tricking everyone that stepped on it.

They'd been down that road one too many times. It wasn't an option anymore. It couldn't be, because inevitably, at the end of it, was steep cliff they'd both tumble over. Hell, he still was climbing back up from the last time.

She was too. And stumbling, as far as he could tell.

He turned his attention back to the television. Monday night football. Nothing else was on. Donna had insisted they spend the evening together, and now hardly anyone was saying anything. Not even the circle they'd had a few minutes…or hours…ago had been particularly entertaining.

He sighed and crossed his arms, watching as men pummeled one another in the name of a game, and a slight smile crossed his lips. He didn't care much. He was content to just sit here and watch. Watch whatever happened to happen. Maybe someone's wheels would start turning and set something, anything in motion. He'd just watch those wheels turn round and round until something, anything happened.

Turned out, that someone was Howard Cosell.

The wheel was a shocking announcement.

John Lennon was dead. Shot in New York City, shot five times. Dead. Killed by some lunatic.

The cold, the quiet of the basement didn't matter anymore.

_**I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round… **_

The football game continued, Howard Cosell resumed his play call, but Jackie Burkhart didn't notice. She did notice that none of the others noticed, either, though all of them stared at the television set, each mouth open.

John Lennon was dead. Forty years old and dead.

She looked at Steven, her heart thickening. She watched him take his glasses off. She watched those glasses slip from his fingers, fall to the floor. His fingers moved as if searching for them, but his face, now pale, kept still but for the twitching in his jaw.

"Oh my god…"

Jackie didn't look at Donna, though she'd been the first one to speak. Didn't look at Michael, or Eric when they talked, either. She watched Steven. She knew he was reeling, and that inside him, an impulse was rising fast.

"What the hell? This can't be true. Is it April Fool's day or something?"

"Change the channel. Turn it to seven. See if there's anything on the news."

"No. Turn on the radio."

Someone did, and the dj repeated the story. John Lennon was shot to death outside the Dakota, his apartment building, in Manhattan. Yoko had been with him, but was unharmed. The shooter had been arrested immediately. The doctors tried to save him, but were unable to. Too much blood lost. Too much damage.

Jackie closed her eyes, bowed her head. Tears began to well. Pain spread through her chest. Sobs, soft but rising in waves, came from somewhere, didn't seem like from her, but maybe so.

"Why are you so upset, Jackie? Do you even know who John Lennon is?"

She lifted her head and looked at Donna, the tall girl's eyes already swollen, already bright with the stain of tears. "I…of course I do, Donna," she said, with only a hint of a snap. "I'm not…I'm not an idiot." She looked away, again closing her aching eyelids.

No one knew. They all thought she only listened to Donny Osmond and ABBA, or other music like that. She couldn't really blame Donna for the slight attack.

Funny, she'd just listened to that album the other day. John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band. No one knew she owned it. Steven owned it. _Love_. Her favorite song on it. John Lennon had believed in love. It was in so many of his songs.

And now he was dead.

"I'm going."

Her eyes opened. Steven had stood up, his eyes still locked on the television. She wasn't sure whom he was speaking to, or if he even knew that he was. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Eric take a few steps towards Steven.

"What? Where?"

The questions brought Steven focus, and he lifted his chin. She smiled, slightly. His defiance. His rebellion.

"To New York. I wanna…"

She wanted to go to him. Despite everything, she wanted to comfort him the way he had, yet again, only a few months ago, comforted her.

"I wanna be there. I have to be there." He stared at Donna. "You coming with me?"

It stung, and Jackie pursed her lips. Of course he asked Donna to go. The two of them shared a love of music, the same type of music. He figured she out of all of them understood how he felt. And besides, it wasn't as if they were together anymore. He wasn't going to ask her to go anywhere. They were friends, only friends, and hardly even that at times.

"I can't just go to New York, Hyde. I've got a job. You know, one that wasn't given to me by my daddy."

"Whatever. I'm going."

Jackie wanted to punch Donna for saying such a bitchy thing, and in fact, her right hand clenched into a fist. But as the others settled back into their seats, stunned expressions, as Steven stalked off towards his room in the back of the basement, as Eric told Donna to her face that she'd just been a total bitch, Jackie stood. No one noticed her.

She followed Steven's path and crept quietly, nervously into his room. "Steven?"

He didn't look up, continued shoving clothes into his dingy bag. "What?"

She took a few more steps. "Are you really going to New York?"

He looked up, and met her eyes. "Yeah. I am." He took a deep breath. "I just…I just have to be there. I mean, John Lennon, man. I just…Jackie, I gotta be there."

She nodded. "I know." A deep breath didn't calm her nerves, but she ignored the butterflies. Said a silent prayer that he wouldn't burst out laughing. "I want to go with you."

He didn't laugh, to her relief, but he stared. "What? Why?"

She shrugged. It was an impulse. And she wasn't sure why. At all. "I don't know. It's just…I've never been to New York, and I could really use some time away from Point Place…"

He turned his back on her. "I'm not going for a vacation, Jackie, so if that's what you're after, go to Madison or something." He snorted. "Or Chicago, maybe."

She put her hand on his shoulder. He tensed, but didn't pull away. "Steven, please. Look, I know that you love John Lennon, and you might not believe me, but I do too." He didn't turn, didn't say anything, and she sighed. Her hand slipped from his body, though his heat felt so good to the fingertips that had been cold for so long now. "I just…I wanna go with you." She lifted a shoulder. "Maybe you shouldn't go alone. I mean, New York."

He turned then, and again, his eyes locked on hers. She tried not to let him see the shiver that ruptured her body. She bit her lip. He was going to say no. Of course he was. Why would he want to go anywhere with her? He never even wanted to go to the Hub with her. That night at the watertower…that had been just a fluke. Ever since then, he'd basically been avoiding her.

Finally, he sighed and shook his head, his eyes dark and brooding, but the corners of his lips, to her surprise, lifting just a tad. "Fine. But it's not a vacation, Jackie, and we're not going shopping or anything like that, you got it?"

She nodded quickly.

_**I just had to let it go… **_

Hyde grimaced even as the smile Jackie gave him made his heart flip over. What in the hell was he thinking? Telling her she could go with him? Was he just asking for hell?

And yet, he didn't rescind. Possibly because she was so fricking hot…damn it, why couldn't she get fat or something? Plus, he was intrigued. Since when did she love John Lennon? Hell, she didn't even like anything by the Beatles after Rubber Soul. She said they got weird.

A grinding in his stomach tried to remind him that this is how it all started. He'd been intrigued by her. Curious. What would her tongue taste like…how would her breasts feel…And look where that had gotten him. On that road.

_Watch out for that road, man. Fuck. Just let it go. She knows her place. I've treated her crappy enough. If she doesn't, then she's an idiot. And if she gets her feelings hurt, its her own damn fault. _

He did, however, growl demands at her. "You're gonna pay for your own plane ticket, and you're not gonna bring a million suitcases." He pointed at her. "We're going over to your apartment and you get fifteen minutes to pack."

She opened her mouth to protest.

He held up a hand. "That's the deal, Jackie. So if you really wanna go…"

"Fine! So…we're flying?"

"Yep. Driving to Milwaukee and catching the first plane to New York." She nodded, and he finished stuffing his stuff into the duffel. "Lets go."

As they started to leave, a thought occurred to him, and he grabbed her arm. She turned, looked up at him with those eyes…damn, those eyes…and cemented his need to give her a warning. He raised his eyebrows. "And Jackie. I'm telling you now before we even leave that we're not getting back together. No matter what."

She gave him that innocent as a rose look, batting her eyelashes not enough to be flirtatious, but enough to suggest ulterior motives. Then she rolled her eyes. "Oh, please, Steven. Like I would ever want to get back together with you."

With her trademark hair flip, she turned and flaunted away, her backside swaying.

And damn it if his heart didn't turn literal cartwheels.

He followed her, his eyes latched on her ass.

Maybe they could have a little sex. Just a little. Comfort sex. Didn't have to mean a fricking thing. After all, she was a bitch, but she was damned hot. And he hadn't gotten any in awhile. Too long.

Fuck, why was he thinking about sex? He shook his head, losing the smile, averting his eyes from that sexy….No. No. This trip wasn't about that. It was about the death of a great man who'd been taken far too soon, and so senselessly. So violently, when all he'd sought, all he'd imagined, was peace.

His throat thickened as he got into the Camino, ignoring Jackie though he felt her eyes on him.

The radio droned on, the same stuff. John Lennon dead. Shot five times. The killer arrested at the scene, clutching a copy of The Catcher In the Rye.

_John Lennon dead. He was forty years old. He leaves behind a wife and two children. Again, John Lennon dead at the age of forty. _


	2. Working Class Hero

**Disclaimer: **I own neither the T7S characters nor Lennons' songs. If I did, I wouldn't put them in fricking commercials!

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews! I love them so much! And you all rock. Power to the people:) I was going to wait till Sunday, but frankly, if I post now, I'll probably write another chapter by then. Plus I've had a lousy day and could use some cheering up. Happy reading!

**Warning: **Language

**Imagine **

**Working Class Hero**

_**A working class hero is something to be **_

_**December 9, 1980, 7 am **_

The airport in Milwaukee was busy, and the dull noise of talk made Hyde's headache worse. He sat in an uncomfortable chair, staring down at the newspaper on his lap. Huge headline. **Lennon Shot Dead. **For some reason, that was all he was reading, not the smaller print underneath with the details. Hell, they'd just be the same he'd heard all night long on the radio. In truth, the details didn't really matter. **Lennon Shot Dead. **That was all that really meant anything. A sudden, slight weight hit his right shoulder, and he glanced over. Jackie's head. He sighed, tried to make himself nudge her off, but he didn't. Couldn't, really. He was too exhausted.

They'd arrived at the airport five hours ago, only to find that there were no available flights to New York until 7:45.

"Everyone's talking about it," Jackie said, her voice sleepy and foggy.

Hyde arched an eyebrow; he'd just assumed she was asleep. Huh. For some reason, the fact that she wasn't and had put her head on his shoulder meant something. He looked around the waiting area of Gate 32 B. Nearly everyone had a newspaper. Nearly everyone occasionally shook their head, turned to the person sitting next to them and pointed to the headline. "Yeah," he answered.

"Kind of surprising, don't you think?"

That did it. He lifted his shoulder, and she lifted up, looking at him with half-open eyes. He glared at her. "Why is it surprising? John Lennon was famous. Of course people are talking about it."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "I know that, Steven, but I mean, it's not like he was the president or something. I'm just surprised that certain people are talking about it, or even care. For example, that guy over there."

She pointed, and Hyde followed her finger. She was talking about an older man, a stuffy looking business man wearing a fancy suit, fancy tie covered by a brown trench coat. On the seat next to him rested a briefcase, and a fedora hat that matched the coat.

"Now, do you think he was a fan of John Lennon? I doubt it. But when I walked by him earlier, he was mumbling that it was such a shame, such a tragedy." Jackie looked up at Hyde. "I just think it's interesting that people who don't even know his music, or appreciate what he stood for, maybe even hated him, are talking about it." She shrugged, looking rather thoughtful. "It's either hypocrisy or a really nice thing."

Hyde stared at his ex-girlfriend. Had those words actually come out of her mouth? Had that thought actually come from her little easy bake oven, cheerleader head?

_Then again, Hyde, she's smart. Intuitive. Insightful, even, sometimes. Don't you remember what she said to you on your first date? That whole spiel about you worrying about being worthy of love? That was pretty spot on, now, wasn't it? _

The thought infuriated him, and he grunted, shook his head. There was nothing good or admirable to remember about Jackie. He gave her a sidelong look full of disdain. "Whatever, Jackie. You don't even know what hypocrisy is." His back stiffened, and he sat up straight, turning to her, his chest now hot. "And you know what? Since we're talking about hypocrisy, lets talk about you. You have no business going to New York. You're everything John Lennon hated. Greedy, spoiled, materialistic." He leaned toward her, as if to make himself more clear. "Hung up on damned appearances and a complete and utter snob. You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself, and he cared about every human being on earth." He shook his head. "Including…no, especially people without tons of money."

He turned away before he could see the hurt in her eyes, looking in the opposite direction. She didn't say anything, just made some weird, throaty choking sound. She heard her stand up and then the clicking of her boots, her feet rushing away from him.

Good. Maybe she was going away. Maybe she'd realized what a mistake it was for her to go to New York with him and was heading home. Because it was a mistake. A huge mistake. Spending time together could only mean trouble.

He closed his eyes. Why did he suddenly feel like complete shit?

There was that clicking of her shoes again, heading towards him, and he groaned softly. Why couldn't she just give up? He looked up, and damn it, there were tears in her eyes. His throat tightened.

"You know what, Steven? I know you're upset, and I guess I can understand why you're taking it out on me. But just remember something. John Lennon was rich, and he didn't exactly live like a monk. Didn't they say on the radio that he was getting out of a limo when he was shot? And he lived in that fancy apartment…He didn't give away all his money, did he? I guess he found it useful, huh?" She took a breath, and Hyde wanted to look away again, but the shine in her eyes, the flush in her cheeks kept his eyes captive. "And I bet he wasn't nearly as judgmental as you are, Steven Hyde." She turned, but then turned to him once again. Now the tears were beginning to escape; he watched the one, then two, then three that dropped. "I always thought that you knew there was more to me, Steven. Even though you always called me shallow…I thought you knew that…"

Her voice trailed off, buried underneath the saddest smile he'd seen in a long time. Her eyes lowered, the lashes damp and fluttering and almost sparkling with tears.

"I must have been wrong about that. Just like I was wrong about a lot of things."

Hyde turned away again. Didn't want to watch her walk away, though he of course heard her steps. Those stupid boots with high heels. Who wore boots with high heels? They didn't make any sense. With a sigh, he looked back down at the paper. Still said the same thing. And Jackie's little hissy-fit, in the grand scheme of things, was just some inconsequential, little thing. He wasn't thinking about her words at all. Not at all. It didn't matter to him at all. Couldn't. The Zen blocked it all out.

Except in his stomach. Hs stomach hurt. He shifted in his seat, hoping a change in position would help. It didn't. Got up and got some milk. That didn't help either.

About ten minutes later, they announced the boarding of the flight. Hyde stood up, looked around, but he didn't see Jackie anywhere. He glanced at the gate, then around the waiting area. Some stupid little voice told him to look for her, to find her before getting on the plane.

He didn't. He got on the plane, and took his seat. Middle seat. He was relieved. He hated the window seats, hated the aisle seats. Guess it was perfect.

And his stomach still hurt. More, now. Grating, like someone was scraping a fork across it, then twisting the prongs into it. Where had she gone? Had she left? Called someone back in Point Place to come pick her up? Taken a cab back? Gotten lost, or mugged, or kidnapped…lying somewhere, bleeding and hurt…

He rolled his eyes. _Paranoid, much, Hyde? Damn it, she doesn't need you worrying about her. No. No. She doesn't deserve you worrying about her. _

His left foot tapped wildly. Fuck, he should have looked for her. She was just a tiny little thing. It was only Milwaukee, but there were crazy people everywhere.

"Excuse me."

Hyde looked up, and there she was, standing there not looking at him, but at the window seat beside him. Mechanically, he stood up to let her pass, sucking in his gut so she wouldn't touch him, and then sank slowly down as she sat. He released a breath. The scraping in his stomach began to lessen. She was going to say something. Of course she was. She always did.

"I've decided to just forget about what you said, Steven, since you're upset and even more grumpy than usual. That's what a good person does."

He looked at her, watched her as she tossed her hair in her own way of showing defiance. She didn't look at him. Huffed as if she had the right to.

"And I hate to disappoint you, but I'm still going to New York with you, so you'll just have to deal with it."

Odd, he was sort of proud of her. Just like he'd always been when she managed to stick up for herself. Like when she'd kicked Laurie Forman's ass. And like that time she'd used his own words against him. _Good to know. Did I stutter? _He smiled faintly. It actually had been pretty hot. He glanced at her, noticed that her chin was just slightly, slightly trembling. "That's cool," he said.

Even odder was that it really was cool. Suddenly so. For whatever reason. It was cool that she was sitting next to him.

Why was he hoping she'd look at him? Why was gripping the damn arm rests so hard?

She did look at him, and her eyes had a bit of their shine back, luckily, not that of tears this time. She nodded curtly. "Whatever," she answered coolly, but with the tiniest hint of a smile.

_**When you can't really function you're so full of fear**_

As the plane began to taxi to the runway, Jackie sat back, her elbows and forearms resting on the armrests and her hands folded in her lap. She closed her eyes. She'd stood up to Steven, and that felt good, but his words, so callous and angry, still stung. She'd been hoping that spending time together, he'd remember her. Over the past year, he'd forgotten. Truth be told, she'd forgotten, too, though not nearly as much as he had. Because that day just a few months ago, the day Fez told her he was gay, the day Steven found her crying on the water tower, she'd known as soon as their eyes met that he'd comfort her. He, on the other hand, had seemed surprised.

Ever since then, she'd wondered if it was even possible for him to remember her. Them. She wasn't sure she wanted to get back together with him. She just wanted him to remember her. To remember that he'd loved her. To remember why he'd loved her. And she wanted to remember why she'd loved him.

_No, you want to love him again, Jackie. Admit it. You already remember. You just want to feel it again. _

She was an opportunist, she'd admit to it. This New York trip wasn't just about paying tribute to John Lennon.

So far, it was a mistake.

The plane began to speed up, and she smiled. She always liked the roller coaster nature of take-off. But beside her, she heard a sharp intake of breath, and she looked at him. He seemed pale, and his Adam's apple was bouncing though the rest of his face was Zen. "Awww, Steven, are you nervous?" she teased, keeping her tone light, smiling sweetly at him. "You wanna hold my hand?"

He crossed his arms over his chest and gave her a look. "Shut your piehole, Jackie," he answered.

She giggled and turned to look out the window. The plane lifted off the ground, and again, she heard him breath deeply. She wanted to look at him, but decided not to. He was already in a lousy mood.

But then, she felt his fingers on her arm. Just lightly grazing her arm, but there nonetheless. She turned her head, but his eyes were closed underneath the sunglasses. She was tempted to put her hand on top of his, but didn't. It was better with Steven to only do so much at one time. To only give him what he asked for. She'd learned that lesson the hard way.

She smiled and shook her head, turning back to the window. Steven was so funny. Never liked to admit he needed anyone to care about him, and then when someone did, he liked it. Like when she redecorated his room. He'd groaned and grumbled about it at first. Then made her redo it after she'd given into him. To this day, he had that duvet and the candles.

Steven was so funny. So complicated.

And such a damn heartache.

_**And you think you're so clever and classless and free **_

Take-off was the worst part of a flight, and after it was over, Hyde relaxed, though he had to remind himself to take his hand off Jackie's arm. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed her flipping through a magazine. It bugged him. Probably because he was bored. "So." He cleared his throat. "You never really told me why you wanted to come."

She met his eyes. "Truth?" He nodded. "I really needed to get out of Point Place. Everything is so screwed up, you know?"

Hyde nodded, looking down at his knees. She was right about that. And he couldn't really blame her. Hell. Half the reason he wanted to go was that very same thing.

"And I just wanted…I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but I wanted to spend time…"

Her voice broke, and he snapped his head back to her. Her cheeks were reddening, her eyes lowered and avoiding his now. "You wanted to what?"

"I wanted to spend time where he lived. I just really like John Lennon. I like his music."

"Oh, yeah?" He turned in his seat, smirking slightly. Jackie's favorite music had so little in common with John Lennon's, her statement seemed pretty damn random to him. "Name three of his songs."

There was that hair flip again, and she, as always, met his test with her eyes. She stared at him, her own smirk on those pink lips. "Fine. Imagine, Give Peace a Chance, and Working Class Hero."

He scoffed. "Those are pretty famous. Anyone would know those." Though in truth, he was impressed. "What's your favorite Lennon song?"

"Oh, that's easy. Give Peace a Chance."

He chuckled. "What? Jackie, you hate hippies, and that's, like, the hippy theme song."

She giggled and swatted at him. "I know. It's not really my favorite. I can't understand half the things he says in it. No, my real favorite Lennon song is Love."

He stared at her. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the song.

"You have that record, John Lennon and the Plastic Ono band or something like that. You know, the one with that "God" song on it that you like." He nodded. "You used to make me listen to it, but you always skipped Love. Except…" She grinned and nudged his knee with hers playfully, making him smile. "Except when it was on while we were making out." She gave him an almost sexy look. "You didn't want to stop just to change the music."

He nudged her knee back. "So what? You listened to it then?" He made a mock face. "I'm insulted. I thought my making out skills were better than that." Her hand caught his eye, resting on the armrest, and damned it all if he didn't want to hold it.

But he didn't. Damn, why did he even want to? This was Jackie. A spoiled, bitchy princess.

He pulled his knee away from hers.

"No, I bought the record. And others." She shrugged and looked away. "I kind of wanted to have something in common with you."

Huh. Hyde stared at the seat in front of him, his eyes narrowed. What the hell, man? He'd always had Jackie pegged. She was a 95 pound, Donny Osmond loving, shoe shopping princess with bitchy tendancies. She was a mole he'd finally managed to rid himself of. She was a comformist, and everything he'd accused her of earlier. She liked crappy music, like ABBA.

_Oh, please, Hyde. You knew she had that record. And the others. Remember you found the Zeppelin one at the bottom of her underwear drawer? You teased her about it, and she got all shy the way she does when she does something nice for people. _

He leaned his head back. Yeah, he remembered. Now.

That stupid scraping in his stomach returned. Nagging at him, insisting that he hadn't ever really forgotten. Just chosen not to remember.

_**By giving you no time instead of it all**_

About two hours later, the plane was preparing for descent. Jackie noticed Steven's foot beginning to tap. He was getting nervous. "Steven, why do you feel like you have to be in New York?" she asked. Distraction was good.

He shrugged. "I always kind of regretted not going when Chrissy asked me to. Hell, maybe I'll run into her. That would be pretty cool."

Jackie looked out the window, biting her lip. That stupid feeling inside, like a hole was in the process of being cut in her, brought heat to her face, and she didn't want him to see it. Didn't want him to see that a mention of any of the other women he'd been with made her literally feel green. Sick and jealous. She glared at the thick blanket of clouds they were gliding through, no blue visible. Why did she still feel that way? She was over Steven.

_Oh no you're not, sweetie pie. _

But did he really regret not going to New York with Chrissy? If he had, they never would have…

Did he regret that they were ever together?

No. She was OVER Steven. None of that mattered. She was over him.

_Then why, Jackie, did you insist on going on this trip with him? Why didn't you leave after he insulted you? If you were over him, that's what you would have done. Face it. You're hoping the two of you will fall in love all over again. Just admit it. _

She shook her head, squeezing her eyes closed. No. No. No. That wasn't the deal at all. She just wanted him to remember. She was sick of the fact that he, and everyone else, had forgotten.

"No. I just…I don't know. I feel like…connected or something to him. Like if I'd ever met him, he would get me, you know?"

Outside, the clouds broke, and she saw the blue sky. Golden streams of sunlight seemed to bounce on the remaining wisps of cloud, and the vision, along with Steven's surprising words, made her heart turn over. She turned to him and smiled. "I always thought you were a lot like him. I mean, you were abandoned by your parents, and so was he. He grew up with some relative, an aunt or something, and you grew up with the Formans." She shrugged when Steven gave her a surprised look. "You know those magazines I read that you always say are so stupid? Well, they didn't just talk about Donny Osmond. There was stuff about the Beatles and John Lennon and some of those other terrible bands that you like. I just started paying more attention." She pointed to his face. "Like that drummer for Led Zeppelin…"

"John Bonham."

"Yeah. He had a scruffy beard like you did." She raised an eyebrow. "Speaking of facial hair, you need to get rid of that moustache, Steven. It makes you look old and creepy. And you're not."

He snickered. "I'm not?"

She smiled and elbowed him lightly. "No. You're a jerk, sure, but not old or creepy."

"Attention, passengers. We are beginning our descent into New York City. Please extinguish all cigarettes and fasten your seat belts. The weather in New York is currently clear and sunny, the temperature is 34 degrees. We hope you've enjoyed your flight."

Jackie elbowed Steven again. "You want me to hold your hand on the way down?"

He glared at her. "I'm never gonna live that down, am I?"

She smirked and shook her head. "Nope. You're not."

To her surprise, he took her hand. She tried to meet his eyes, but he looked away. So, with a sigh, she leaned closer and put her head on his shoulder.

Maybe it wasn't a mistake, after all.

_**If you want to be a hero, well, just follow me **_

"Where to, kids?"

Hyde glanced at Jackie, knowing she probably wanted to go straight to hotel. She probably wanted to change, probably even take a shower. But first things first. "The Dakota," he said. She looked at him, and he shrugged. "I just wanna see it first. Then we'll find a hotel."

To his relief, she nodded and said nothing. He thought maybe she scooted closer to him; the side of his thigh felt warmer. Better, too.

The driver looked at them in the rear view mirror. "Ah. You guys are here cause-a what happened to Lennon, huh?"

Hyde nodded and looked out the window. Hell of a year for his musical heroes. Jackie'd mentioned John Bonham. He'd died just a few months ago. Now John Lennon. Fucking 1980. Sucked. Big time.

"Yeah, people are flocking to the city cause-a it. I'm doing about twice my normal business." The driver sighed and shook his head. "Damn shame, though. Damn tragedy." He chuckled. "Pretty sad that a damn tragedy is so good for business, ain't it?"

Hyde grimaced. He wasn't in the mood to talk to a stranger about how a person's death was making him money. He was turned away from the window, tempted to let the driver have it, but Jackie's touch stopped him. Her hand settled on his thigh, and instead of cussing the driver out, he looked at her. She gave a little shake of her head, and then put it on his shoulder.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath.

Had she always been that good at calming him down?

He took a deep breath and looked out the window. The buildings were huge, and there was people everywhere. This was John Lennon's city, full of energy, full of life, full of people .

Power to the people, he thought with a wistful smile.


	3. New York City

** Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Author's Note:** Thanks so much for the wonderful reviews! I say it all the time, but it can't be said enough. You guys are the very best. :) Enjoy the chapter!

**Warning: **Language. Silly, dillhole Hyde. :)

**Imagine **

**New York City **

_**Standing on the corner, just me and Yoko Ono **_

The building was beautiful, rather gothic in its architecture, though Hyde couldn't make out the details too well. He and Jackie stood across the street. The entrance was blocked off by police gates, but just outside those gates, all around, were bouquets of flowers, so many flowers of every shape, color, type. There was even a floral peace sign. Crowds of people had gathered on either side of the doorway. Not wanting to be part of the masses, Hyde had led Jackie across the street. Shortly after, people joined them, and he was part of a mass anyway.

He looked at the face of the building. It was brownish, and had a large, elegant arch over the entrance. To each side, a rod iron fence featured gargoyles. Someone standing behind them mentioned that John Lennon particularly liked those. The gates effectively kept the crime seen empty, and Hyde's gaze was drawn to the sidewalk. It must have happened there. That lunatic must have approached John right there…pulled the gun…pulled the trigger…once…twice…three times…four…five….

"Steven."

He felt Jackie's hand on his arm, and he looked at her. "What?"

She looked worried. "Are you okay? You're shaking."

He didn't answer her, but looked again at the building. At the sidewalk.

And an odd memory flooded his mind. He was a kid, maybe five or six, and his mother was still around, sometimes sober. She used to put on records and dance with him. Her favorite was the Beatles. When she was sober, it was always Love Me Do. His eyes closed. When she was drunk, she'd sing, and it became "slub ee oo" followed by a swig off the whiskey bottle.

But those times when it was just her, him and the Beatles…

He opened his mouth, started to say something, started to tell Jackie the story. But as he got a few words out, a simple "I remember…", his stomach twisted. _Don't, man. Just don't. Don't say a fricking word. _He looked away, away from her prying eyes.

"You know, when I was little and my mom was still around, she used to listen to the Beatles all the time. She loved Paul."

Hyde chuckled, again looking at the Dakota. John Lennon's home, and the place where he'd died. "That figures."

"I know, right?" Jackie slipped her arm through his, and he sighed. Still too tired to push her away. Funny, New York seemed to scare her. She'd been hovering. And for some reason, had to be the exhaustion, he couldn't bother telling her to stop. "But she used to play the records real loud, and sometimes she'd dance with me. She loved She Loves You."

Hyde looked at her. Was she making this up? Had he, at some drunken or sexually high point in their relationship told her this story? Was she just trying to slither her way back into him by making him think they actually had experiences in common? She stared across the street at the Dakota, one of those half-smiles of hers on her lips. He noticed a sort of sheen across her eyes; tears.

She wasn't lying.

A weird chill shot up his spine.

"Maybe that's why I like John Lennon."

She turned, giving him a sheepish smirk. "What?"

He shrugged, wanted to look away from her, but couldn't. Those damn eyes of hers. "I just…guess I forgot that you have shitty parents, too." Ha. Hadn't forgotten. How could he? She'd spent enough time while they were together whining about it.

_No she didn't, you idiot. She talked to you about it, sure. Until you made it clear you weren't interested in listening. _

"I guess we have that in common, huh?" she asked, her voice small.

And as he looked at her eyes, his own lost in the blue of one, the green of another, out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed the huge buildings they stood in front of. She seemed so small in this city. Just a tiny little doll, sometimes a little girl in a woman's body, sometimes all and completely woman.

_You used to like protecting her. You used to like her vulnerability. Made you feel like a man. _

He shook his head and tore his gaze away, shifting on his feet in order to alleviate the weird spinning sensation in his gut. He glanced again at the Dakota and cleared his throat. "Come on. Lets go find a hotel."

_**So we decided to make it our home **_

The hotel was cheap and rundown, located in a rather nasty neighborhood, the cabbie told them. Hyde didn't care much. He wasn't about to spend an enormous amount of money for a bed. So as they walked towards the brick, V-shaped building, the rooms all one the ground floor, one ugly brown door after another, he was satisfied. Whatever, man. It was just a place to crash. He glanced to his left at Jackie, who was making a face, and he grinned. Yeah, she was making a face, but she wasn't saying a word. "I'm surprised you're not refusing to sleep in a dump like this." They reached the office, and he opened the door, holding it open for her. Impulse, he figured.

She tossed her head over her shoulder as she walked in, and gave him a haughty look when he reached her. "Well, it is pretty gross, but…" She shrugged and looked down. "I'm not exactly rolling in the money right now, so…" The haughty look returned. "And besides, Steven, I've grown up. Matured. I'm not nearly as picky as I used to be."

He nodded, with an inward grin. Perfect opportunity for a burn, a brutal burn. "Yeah, you must not be. You hooked up with a gay guy."

They reached the counter, just behind another couple, and he waited for her to snap a comeback. She didn't. She looked down at the ground, took her arm out of his. He watched her face, and her eyes blinked rapidly, her lips pursed and unpursed, her jaw tensed, released.

He rolled his eyes, but there was that freaking nag in his stomach again. God, why was she such a damned girl? Sometimes she could take the burns, like when he'd told her that Bob and the garden gnome were available for her pleasure. Other times, like now, she couldn't. He shook his head and looked away, but still that nagging worked on him. "Look," he said, sighing heavily. "Let's just check in and I'll buy you a cheeseburger or something."

She didn't look at him. "Whatever."

He grimaced and went to the counter, but she pulled him back. "What?"

"It's just…Can we share a room, Steven?"

He arched an eyebrow at her pleading look. "We're not getting back together, Jackie. I thought we were clear on that."

She rolled her eyes. "It's not about that. It's just…I mean, it's New York." Again, she looked and sounded so little. Just a tiny little thing. A little doll.

_Your little doll, remember? _

He smirked. Fine. She wanted to share a room. Hell, that would make getting a little action from her that much easier. "Fine. One room it is."

The clerk told him that they only had one room available, and it only had one king sized bed.

He looked at Jackie, and she shrugged. "You can sleep on the floor." To his surprise, she gave him a Jackie smile, one that was half-sexy, half- innocent. The kind that used to drive him crazy.

He grinned. "How about this? You can sleep in the bathtub."

She swatted him. "The last time I fell asleep in the tub I almost flooded the apartment, so that's out." She arched her neck, stretching, and he watched as her hair fell off of it, revealing olive, smooth skin that he just knew smelled like vanilla and was softer than silk. "It's a king sized bed, Steven. I think we can handle it." Her eyes opened, she straightened her neck and she arched an eyebrow. "Unless…you can't."

He scoffed and took the room. Right. Like he couldn't handle being in the same bed as her. Whatever.

_Yeah, whatever, buddy. We'll just see about that. _

_**Up came a man with the guitar in his hand **_

It was cold, and as they walked through Central Park, Jackie kept her hands in her pockets. Steven was quiet, and she'd decided not to antagonize him. Instead, she looked around. There was no snow, and all the trees, the millions of trees, it seemed, were bare. The grass was dead and browned. They walked along a path of cobblestone, or maybe it wasn't cobblestone. Shaped stones rather than plain cement made up the pathway, and she smiled at it. She liked it. It was quirky. Pretty. Benches were scattered around, and up ahead there was a lake. This park was huge, about a dozen times bigger than the biggest one at home.

As they approached the lake, she noticed a group of people sitting on the grass. One of them, a girl with brown hair, loose to her waist, was walking towards the path, towards a trash can. She was dressed funny; a long skirt with funny patterns on it, and a thin peasant top. Her jacket was weird, fringed and hippy-like. The girl had a flower stuck in her hair, but it wasn't a gorgeous flower like an orchid or something. It was a plain old daisy. Looked a bit droopy, too.

Jackie was so intent on studying the hippy girl that she didn't notice the loose stone in the path. She stepped on it, and the heel of her boot became caught, sending her tumbling to the ground. She landed with a groan, and pain shot through her ankle. She closed her eyes and tried not to cry as heat spread through her calves.

Steven laughed, and she glared up at him. "Oh yeah, this is so funny, isn't it, Steven? God, you really enjoy seeing me fall. Like when I fell in the creek." She leaned over and with her good foot, kicked his shin. He grunted, but still chuckled. "Shut up!" He started towards her, but she held up her hand. "Don't bother, you jerk!"

The girl she'd been looking at suddenly appeared beside her, crouched down to her level. "Are you okay? I saw you fall."

Jackie shrugged. She rolled her ankle a few times, and the pain was dissipating. Must have only tweaked it, thankfully. But as she brought her foot to her lap, she noticed the heel of her boot was broken half off. "Damn. I just bought these boots, too!" She tore the heel off and pouted.

The girl offered her hand. "Here."

Jackie took it, and let the girl help her up. She was pretty, no make up, but even so, pretty, with a rather dull grey colored eyes. Freckles dotted her cheeks, and she looked out of place in this glamorous city. Her clothes, Jackie noticed, were more than likely homemade. Simple fabric with little adornment. Jackie settled awkwardly on her now uneven legs. "Thanks."

The girl smiled and nodded. "I'm Willow."

Jackie raised an eyebrow. "Willow?"

"Well, my parents named me Tiffany. Don't tell anyone, though. I hate it."

Jackie placed her hand on her chest. "Oh, I love that name! It's what I've always wanted to name my daughter." She made a face. "Why do you go by Willow when you have such a beautiful real name?"

Willow seemed to have a perpetual smile. "It's too conventional, you know? I wanted something more…free. More…one with nature." She looked up rapturously at the sky. "I always loved how willow tree branches flow and dance in the wind, so I picked Willow." She smiled at Jackie, then at Hyde. "Are you guys busy? Do you want to come down to the lake with me? My friends and I are having a picnic."

"Something tells me that Jackie here wouldn't fit in. She used to be a cheerleader. Hippies, cheerleaders, yeah, that's like cookies and milk all right."

Jackie looked at Steven, at his indomitable smirk, and elbowed him, but with a slight smile. He could be such a damn smart- ass, and he always thought he was so charming. "Shut up, Steven."

Willow giggled. "Actually, my friends are really cool. As long as you have an open mind, they'll be happy to share some food with you."

Steven's snort was loud, followed immediately by a chuckle or five. "Okay, lemme tell you something about Jackie. She's about as open minded as J.Edgar Hoover."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Steven." She slipped her arm through his, and he just looked at her. She shrugged, then looked back at Willow. "I so _am_ open minded." Another sideways glance at her ex. "I dated you, didn't I? And you are poor and scruffy."

He shrugged. "That only proved that you had good taste in guys."

Willow laughed. "You two are cute. Are you from New York? Visiting?"

Jackie nodded. "Yeah. We just…when we heard about John Lennon, we had to come. We both really loved him."

Willow nodded, and her endless smile finally faded, but only to a misty-half smile. Her eyes took on a hazy glow. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Jackie looked at Steven, and found that he was giving Willow a glare that lately, he'd reserved for her.

"How in the hell is the murder of a legend, which, by the way, was probably ordered by the government, beautiful?"

Jackie's eyes widened, and she elbowed him again. "Steven, be nice!" She turned to Willow with a smile that even felt fake. "You'll have to pardon Steven. He's a paranoid freak."

Willow lifted her shoulders. "The beauty is what's going on now, all the love, all the emotion. All the people, like you two, coming to New York to share the love they felt for him. It's just…it's amazing." She closed her eyes. "So much emotion." Her eyes opened, and she smiled at them, her eyes moving back and forth between the two. "There's a lot of emotion between you two, isn't there?"

Steven pulled away from her, making some weird choking, laughing sound. "What? No. No way, man. She's just a chick I know. She begged to come to New York with me, that's the only reason we're here together."

Jackie rolled her eyes, then looked at the ground. "Whatever, Steven," she muttered. Figures he'd lie. She wondered if he'd lied so much to himself in the past year that he now believed it, that they'd never been anything to each other. He sure as hell acted like it.

"Come on, Jackie. We gotta go."

She glared at him. "What if I wanna go with Willow?"

He shrugged. "Go then." And then there was that smirk again. "But I have the key to the room, and I'll probably be asleep. The room's in my name. How you gonna get in, huh? Or do you want to stand out in the dark in New York City all by yourself?"

She sighed and looked at Willow, who was smiling sympathetically at her. It made her feel slightly better, and she smiled. "Maybe later, if you guys are still around."

"Oh, we will be. Right down by the lake. We're staying for about a week, so just drop on by whenever you want to."

As they headed back to the hotel, Jackie looked at Steven. She laced her arm through his, and when he gave her a look, she shrugged. "My heel is broken, Steven. You have to help me. For once in your life."

"Whatever. Why did you want to go meet that chick's friends? You hate hippies."

She sighed. "Truth?" He nodded. "I wanted to find out if hippy girls really don't shave their legs."

He laughed, and so did she.

And he gave her that smile, that soft one, the one she always thought meant he thought she was being cute. Her heart flip-flopped. For some reason, that made her broken boot heel worth the trouble.

_**What a bad-ass city! **_

Six thirty, and it was already dark. The curse of winter, Hyde mused as he walked along, his hands stuffed in his pocket. The air was freezing, yet it felt good. Free. Thicker than the air in Point Place, for sure. Both a good and bad thing. He walked quickly, heading nowhere, just roaming. Jackie was back in the surprisingly decent room, taking a bath, and he was struggling not to think about her naked in hot water. She had no bubbles, so…Damn it, no!

Sounds of sirens echoed faintly, and cars noisily drove by. Horns honked, people yelled; even at night, the city was alive. He glanced at buildings; tall, proud, some of them in perfect shape, others crumbling and old. Old and rundown cars were parked parallel on the street, and toys littered the yards of apartment buildings and small one families. He nodded. Nice. Kind of dirty, kind of sloppy, not nearly as white-washed as Point Place. Like him. He kind of liked it.

"Hey, man!"

He turned, and noticed a guy approaching him, looking ragged in both physical appearance and clothes. The coat he wore was hardly thick enough to keep any warmth in, and the jeans were holed at both knees. The shoes were nothing more than a few pieces of torn leather tied together. "What's up?"

The guy smelled like beer and cigarettes, and the grin he gave Hyde was missing a few or five teeth. "You got any weed?"

Hyde lifted an eyebrow. "I don't know, man."

"I'll give ya fifty bucks. See, I got it right here." The guy reached into his jacket and pulled out a wad of bills. "See, I got a woman, and she wants some stuff, you know? Ain't none of the normal guys around tonight. I'm kinda desperate."

Hyde grinned. Easy deal. The stash he had in his pocket sure as hell wasn't worth fifty bucks, but he wasn't going to complain. And he had more in his bag at the hotel. Plus, fifty bucks. His smile faded, and he glanced around. People were out and about, and they were easily visible to all. "Shouldn't we, I don't know, find an alley or something?"

The guy snickered. "Nah. Cops ain't ever around here. And no one in this neighborhood is gonna go runnin' to 'em to snitch." The guy shifted, anxious. "We got a deal or what?"

Hyde nodded and pulled the bag out of his pocket. "Here. Quality stuff, man, definitely worth the fifty." He took the cash and grinned, nodding. Yep. This was cool. This was very cool.

The guy smiled. "Hell, even if it ain't, if it gets my woman to drop those pants of hers, it is, you get me?"

"Oh, I get you," Hyde said, shaking the dude's hand.

He walked on. Saw a few more deals going down, right on the sidewalk. Noticed a car being broken into. A guy forcing his way into someone's house while a girl struggled to keep him out.

He grinned. Freaking anarchy. Complete freedom. Anything goes. No rules.

And then he realized that Jackie was alone in the middle of this. His pace slowed until he stopped walking all together. What is some guy, some freak had seen them go in the room…had seen him leave…figured Jackie was alone…forced his way in the door the way that guy he'd just seen had…

The trip back to the hotel was a lot less leisurely. When he got to the room, he released his breath as he scanned it for any signs of trouble. The bathroom door was still closed, and everything was just as he'd left it. He rolled his eyes, feeling like an idiot, but went over to the closed door anyway. He knocked. "Jackie, I'm back."

"Okay. I'll be out in a few minutes."

He scowled, angry that he'd rushed back here for nothing, just to find her still in the tub. Probably still naked and wet…and so fucking hot…her skin all soft and pliable and sweet tasting…He'd watched her getting out of a bath once, at her parents house. Watched her rub her towel all over her, through her hair. Odd, it hadn't been just lust-inducing. Something else had been there. Something…admiring. Something like surprise that she existed in his life and actually wanted to.

He closed his eyes. Fuck this. "Hurry up," he snapped, irritated by his thoughts. "I'm hungry."

He walked over to the window and tried to tell himself that all he was really hungry for was food.


	4. Mind Games

**Disclaimer: **Same as always.

**Author's Note:** Thanks so much for the reviews! Keep them coming:) This chapter is R plus. Gets a little dirty and nasty. The flashback scene is especially for you, Lissa. :) Hope you enjoy it! It's a little long, but it's an important chapter. Bit of a turning point.

**Warning: **Language, and well, sexy stuff. :)

**Imagine **

**Mind Games**

_**Pushing the barriers, planting seeds **_

Jackie grimaced in frustration, watching her reflection in the bathroom mirror. The motel's towels were cheap and thin, hardly suitable to dry her beautiful hair with. She closed her eyes while doing the best she could to squeeze out the excess water. Up and down. Hot and cold. Fire and ice. One minute Steven was cruel, the next he was sweet. She'd have to find some way to deal with it, or else she'd go crazy. Better yet, she'd have to find some way to change it. How the hell could she change it? He was too damn stubborn.

She finished toweling her hair and turned to the closed toilet where she'd set her clothes. On top of the pile were her panties, her favorite pair. _Steven's favorite, too. _She picked them up and with a misty smile, ran her thumb over the cool and soft material. He'd discovered them on his own…it had been one of those hot, sticky late summer nights when they'd first started dating just after they'd done it for the first time. He'd sneaked into her bedroom, so romantic, something ripped out of West Side Story. They'd had a forbidden love too, like Maria and Tony.

_She lay on her bed and smiled. Steven was at her dresser, rummaging through her underwear drawer. "How about the red ones?" she suggested. _

_"Which ones? You've got, like, five red ones." He kept digging, then turned, holding a pair of silk panties, deep cherry red with freeform hearts in a lighter red all over. They were tiny, the legs cut high and the waistband little more than a half-inch strip of silk. He grinned and nodded, that satisfied smirk she knew so well already lighting his face up and making her tingle. "Yeah. These are all right. Lemme see how they look." _

_He came over to her and put the panties over her pelvis. Jackie watched him raise his eyebrow and flick his tongue over his lips. She did the same. "You want me to put them on?" _

_He tossed the panties over his shoulder and gently rubbed his fingertips over her naked stomach. He kneeled down beside the bed, leaned over her middle. "Nah," he muttered, just before pressing a soft kiss just to the right of her belly button. "Later." He kissed circles over her now shivering skin, and she moaned softly, her eyes falling closed. "When you dress up for me." _

_Her eyes opened, and she glared playfully at him. "What, am I your Barbie doll or something, Steven?" _

_She half giggled, half groaned at the sudden influx of his weight on her body. She stared at him, his smiling eyes, so warm and uncovered by those stupid glasses, so blue she thought for sure she was floating in the sky. _

_He, of course, smirked and bit her nose lightly. "More like my blow up doll." _

_"Steven!" she cried, laughing as he blew against the sensitive skin on her neck. She swatted his rear end, then just let her hands rest there. Mmmmm….tight and firm and hard and round and…._

_"Mmmm, my sexy doll," he murmured in between kisses higher and higher on her neck. _

_Jackie arched her neck, giving him as much room to work his sensual magic with his warm lips as possible. She sighed inside and melted upwards and downwards, to him and into the mattress beneath her. "Oh," she purred. "Maybe…your babydoll?" _

_"Sure." He kissed her lips now. Hard. His tongue shot into her mouth, and she responded oh so willingly. "Baby." Another kiss, deeper, hotter. "Doll." One more, and then he drew up, panting hot breath on her mouth, making her body contort in an effort to get him closer. "I want you, Jackie. Now." _

_She nodded, unable to speak, and simply gave into his furiously seeking hands and mouth. _

With a heavy sigh, a heavier heart, she put the panties on. That had been so long ago, and so much had changed.

Then again…maybe…if she could remind him that he wanted her, which he obviously still did…she'd seen his eyes glued to her chest and her butt and her legs.

She stopped dressing, and stared at herself in the mirror.

She smiled. Sex would change his attitude. It always did. He was never sweeter than he was immediately after sex. And maybe if she gave him enough, the sweetness would last.

_Who are you fooling, Jackie? You just want an excuse to sleep with him, to be that close to him again. Because you love him. _

She frowned. No. She just wanted the hot and cold to stop. Even out a bit. She wanted them to get along.

She wanted him to remember. And if sex was the way to remind him, so be it.

She smiled. The panties were too obvious. Steven liked to be teased. He liked a challenge. And, she raised her eyebrows, he liked to tear clothes. She had just the thing for him.

_**We're playing those mind games together**_

Hyde paced. Took his shirt off, put it back on. Took it off again. She knew he slept without a shirt, or occasionally a sleeveless tee shirt. He'd forgotten his favorite one, the white one that still sometimes smelled like her, despite all the washings it had been given. So he had no choice. He had to sleep shirtless. He sat down on the bed and tapped his fingers on his knee. She was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He glanced at the king size, which, not very surprisingly, had turned out to be more of a double sized bed than a king. Not that he was objecting. Hell, close quarters were a good thing.

Dinner had been decent. They'd managed not to fight. But now…

Now there was a bed involved. And something in his gut was cringing that he shouldn't be as confident as he felt. Sure, she was weak for him. She always had been. Then again…

Maybe she wasn't anymore.

He stood back up and walked to the opposite side of the room, the window. Pulling the curtains slightly apart, he looked out into the New York night. Funny, looked a lot like downtown Point Place, but with more crowding, more random people wandering the streets, more light. Looked even more like Chicago, that night he'd gone for Jackie. That night he'd been spared from making a huge mistake by committing to her.

_No, the night you screwed everything to hell, idiot! _

He frowned. Sex. Think sex. Think seduction. Think about getting Jackie out of whatever pajamas she'd brought. Probably that damn flannel pair. A smile crossed his lips as he watched a bum stagger down the street outside. They'd had a lot of problems with all those buttons in that tone, until one day, he'd just torn it open. And she'd gotten even more turned on. Jackie liked her man to be a _man. _

The bathroom door opened, and he turned.

Instantly, his head lost sense, lost all blood flow. It was all heading south, and fast. She was the only one who'd ever been able to give him near instantaneous erections without even a touch, and apparently, she still had that going for her.

"U…h….oh, fuck," he muttered.

That was a _hell_ of a lot of skin.

She stood there with that innocent smile of hers. Kittenish eyes and a pouty mouth. Her head cocked slightly, hair hanging down to her shoulders, loose and wavy, her back slightly arched. Her nightgown, if it could be called that, was white, sheer cotton. And short, hanging to barely mid-thigh. The straps were about half the width of shoestrings. The thing was so sheer he could see her breasts near perfectly, and the black hair between her legs was much more than just a shadow.

"Fuck," he repeated himself, under his breath

"I'm ready, Steven."

Had she really just purred that like a sex kitten out of some porno? That she was ready? Ready for what, exactly? His eyes widened, and all he could do was say the first words that came to his mind. "Jackie, it's like, minus ten degrees outside."

She just shrugged and walked over to the bed, the side nearest to him. "I know, it's just…I get so _hot_ in bed. Don't you remember?" She turned away from him, her backside now in his vision, and purposefully bent over so that the nightie raised.

She wasn't wearing panties.

_God damn, that ass is fucking fine! _

And then he smiled. The nightie, that sexy voice, the flirting and come on…

Yep. She wanted it too. And if she wanted it, she was gonna get it. And how.

He stalked over to her, not thinking, just giving into the burning pressure in his pants. Grabbing her waist, he pulled her back to him, her ass directly against him. He groaned; hell, it felt so good, firm but soft, and he ground himself into her. His hands snaked around her waist and up, cupping her warm and swelling breasts like there was no tomorrow. She gasped his name, so breathy, so damn sexy, and her head fell back to his shoulder. Her tiny hands covered his, urging him to feel her up the way he'd wanted to for such a long fucking time. His lips brushed her earlobe, and she whimpered. "You want this, Jackie?" he hissed. He moved his hands to her thighs, so taut and on fire with heat, and roughly shoved them up and under that nightie, back to her breasts.

_Hell yeah! God, her skin…her chest…_

Her nipples pebbled in his hand, and he tweaked them, circling his fingers around them, making her moan loudly, almost cry.

"Is this what you want, babydoll? Huh? Is it, Jackie?"

He shoved his heat into her and smiled, the pleasure coursing through him at a speed and intensity that left him blind. His eyes closed.

Oh yeah…this was what _he _wanted.

_**Yes is surrender **_

For a moment, she Jackie gave in. As his lips pressed and nibbled at her neck, as his hands cupped her breasts then roamed her stomach and thighs, as he rhythmically thrust himself against her backside…all it making her feel wet from the inside out an dizzy, she gave in. Her mouth kept forming his name, her eyes closed and she saw him. She heard him whispering hers, calling her babydoll the way he often had during sex and sex only.

And then behind her closed eyes, she saw Sam. She saw Steven smirking at her before leading that whore away, making it clear to everyone, especially _her_, that they were about to have sex. She saw all the hate he'd looked at her with since that night in Chicago, all the disdain; she heard all the nasty burns and words he'd lanced at her.

It all still hurt so damn much, like a deep cut torn reopen. And she was bleeding again. What seemed like such a good idea…she couldn't do it.

It hurt so damn much.

Her eyes opened, full of tears, and she pushed his hands off of her, pulled herself out of him. Taking a few steps, she turned and glared at him, panting and trying to forget the arousal so hot inside of her. "What do you think you're doing, Steven?" She shook her head. "Do you really think I'm going to sleep with you?" She tried not to stare at his naked chest, at the patch of hair in the center of it, of how it was rising and falling with the heavy breath that had just been stroking her skin.

"Okay, what the hell, Jackie? If you didn't want it, why did you come out here in that thing?" He angrily pointed at her.

She looked away, her face flushing but this time with guilt.

"Oh. I see. You wanted to see if you could turn me on, is that it? You were testing me just to make yourself feel better about your ex-boyfriend being gay. Right?"

She closed her eyes and shivered, now cold to the bone. He had no idea how it felt. How Fez had never been up to the task of sleeping with her, no matter what she did, no matter what she wore, no matter how she touched him. He had no idea what it felt like to know that she couldn't get Fez going, that the only thing she'd ever really been sure of herself, her physical beauty, had left her perfect man cold. How could _he_ know? Steven could turn on just about any woman he looked at.

His voice was dangerously tense and quiet, and she knew that only one thing was coming.

"Well, I've got news for you, Jackie." He smirked, his eyes narrowed on her in that nasty, scornful look she'd become accustomed to yet never used to. "You couldn't turn on a sex-starved convict."

It was enough to ignite her own anger, and she glared at him. Her turn to point, and she pointed at the noticeable swell in his sweat pants. "Oh, really, Steven? Is that what _that_ is about?"

He shrugged. "I've always liked whores." He stared at her, and the smirk disintegrated into pure hatred. He shook his head, gesturing with his hands as if wiping them of her, disregarding her. "God, you're such a bitch, Jackie. And I was right. You are a slut. You'll spread your legs for anyone just to make yourself feel good, won't you?" He chuckled bitterly. "Kind of like in Chicago, eh?"

She looked down at the ugly carpet. The tears started, and she couldn't let him see. "You're such…such…" Her throat was so thick, the words seemed stuck. She twisted her fingers together, her entire body shaking. "You're such an asshole, Steven." She turned and walked to the bed, sinking down. Her body was exhausted with the trauma of his attack…god, why was it that he could still hurt her more than anyone in the world?

"At least I didn't turn anyone gay. That's something to be proud of, isn't it, Jackie?"

As the bathroom door slammed closed, she heard nothing but that last taunt, and collapsed to the bed. The sobs wracked her, and she balled herself up.

_At least I didn't turn anyone gay. That's something to be proud of, isn't it, Jackie? Something to be proud of…something to be proud of…._

_You are a slut. I was right. You are a slut. You are a slut. YOU ARE A SLUT! _

_**Chanting the mantra, peace on earth**_

Hyde stood in the shower, facing the cold, cold water raining down on him and glaring at the erection that wasn't going away. Fuck. What the hell had just happened? So she'd wanted to use him. So what? He'd wanted to use her, too. He turned, groaning in frustration, and leaned his head back into the water.

She wasn't supposed to use him. She was supposed to still be pining over him. That's what he'd counted on. She hadn't loved Fez, and hadn't been that hurt when Fez had come out. At least, that's what she said. She'd told everyone and anyone who'd listened, as a matter of fact.

_She lies, you moron. She always lies when she doesn't want people to know she's weak or hurt or needs help. _

His eyes opened, and his heart seemed to stop beating. What if she actually HAD gotten over him? And HAD loved Fez? And HAD been devastated that Fez turned out to be a fruit?

Why did that bother him?

_Because you, ass, aren't over here! God, don't you fucking GET it? _

He rolled his eyes and again turned to face the shower, putting his hips directly in the line of fire. Didn't help, because he was still picturing Jackie in that tiny little nightie. "Fuck," he mumbled, putting his hand on his heat. Only one thing to do to get rid of this one. He began to stroke himself, slow, just like she used to, and all he could see when his eyes closed was her face, mouth open, breath panting out of her as he did what he pleased with her.

Afterwards, he toweled off and pulled on his sweats. His body felt satiated, but the nagging in his gut hadn't. As he walked out of the bathroom, he supposed he'd been harsh. He'd apologize, they'd go back to normal, whatever the hell that was. She was standing by the bed, fully dressed to his slight disappointment, and stuffing clothes into her back. He stopped. "Hey," he said, trying to swallow. "What are you doing?"

She didn't look at him. "I'm leaving, Steven. This time _I'm_ gonna be the one to leave. And who knows? Maybe I'll run to Vegas and marry some male stripper just like you did. Wouldn't that be ironic?"

Then she did look at him, fire in her eyes though they seemed swollen. She'd been crying, obviously, but now she had that determined Jackie look. "I'm done with this. I'm with you blaming me for everything that went wrong between us. YOU have some responsibility for it, too, Steven, so you're not gonna punish me anymore. I'm done letting you."

Hyde stood silent. That slip about Chicago…was it really still about that? Shit, he was over it. He was. Of course he was. It didn't haunt him anymore. Not most nights. Only a few. He was over it. She didn't know what the hell she was talking about. Punishing her? Ha. He hadn't been punishing her. So he'd been doing whatever he could to hurt her, so what? He was just reverting back to the days before they'd hooked up, that's all. Hurting her…punishing her…making her feel as shitty as he'd felt that night in the Chicago hotel room…that had nothing to do with it.

_Like hell it doesn't. _

"I just wanted to spend time with you, Steven. Not to get you back, or whatever."

Now her voice was hushed and shy. Now her shoulders slumped, and she stared at the suitcase she'd just closed. He stayed still, his eyes locked on her.

"Just so you'd remember that you didn't always hate me. Just so we could maybe…just find some way to get along." She smiled sadly and looked at him. "It wasn't always like this, Steven, before…I just…" Her head lowered, eyes to the floor. "I miss you. I miss you not hating me."

Before he could react, before he could swallow that damn huge lump in his throat, she picked up the suitcase. "Goodbye, Steven. Have fun in New York alone."

The door closed behind her, and Hyde shook his head, his eyes wandering the now huge room that seemed to echo with her words, her scent, her presence. In only a few minutes, he was sure that echo would fade, and she'd be gone. Gone for good. He'd never get a second chance, or rather a third or fourth chance…

Wait, what? Why did he…it would be better for her to leave. Wouldn't it?

He shook his head, banishing the thoughts that weren't making any sense to him and followed her out the door, walking quickly. She hadn't gotten far, she was walking slow. "Jackie," he called. She stopped and turned, and he stopped just a few feet in front of her. "Look, just..." He sighed and looked away, unable to take the intimacy her eyes always forced from him. He'd left his glasses in the room, and without them, he was powerless to her. "Just…lets just hang out for a few days. You know, here." He took a deep breath, and looked at her again. Her face was blank. "Maybe we can…figure something out."

Truth was, he was exhausted. Tired of that burning sensation he always felt in his chest when she was around that only eased when he hurt her. He looked down, shaking his head. Funny. He'd been ignoring it for so long, it seemed almost natural.

It wasn't. It just wasn't. And much as he'd tried to hide from it, it meant something.

Another truth was that he didn't want her to leave. For a reason he couldn't understand, didn't want to understand.

He looked at her again, her expression was still impassive. He rolled his eyes. "Please, okay? God."

Now a hint of a smile sweetened her lips. "Make me."

He smiled, too. Banter was good, something they used to be so very good at. Hell. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to stop all the fighting. Not that it would go any further, of course it wouldn't. There was no point in revisiting that avenue. But this…this was safe enough. "Fine." He took two steps towards her, leaned down and put her over his shoulder. She squealed and dropped her suitcase, but he picked it up in his other hand. "I'll make you if you want."

He started back to their room, Jackie's laughter filling his ears, her swatting hands warming his back. When they got back, he set her down, and she put her hands on her hips.

"You're a jerk, Steven."

He nodded, smirking. "I know."

"I'm getting ready for bed again. I think you need to go get me a soda or something."

He shrugged. "And I think you should put that nightie on again."

"Pig!"

He watched her, smiling, as she teasingly stomped in to the bathroom. But when the door closed, he sank down to the bed, his smile disappearing. God…

What in the hell was going on?

_**Yes is the answer**_

The two laid in bed, as far apart as possible, both on their backs. Light floated in from the gap at the top of the window curtains and danced on the popcorn ceiling. They both stared at it, not daring to exchange even short glances at one another.

Hyde licked his lips. Clenched his fists. Yeah. This wasn't as easy as he'd thought it would be. "You awake?" Talk. That was better than this. Maybe he could get her talking about something stupid and he'd fall asleep.

Jackie nodded, her toes curling into the mattress. Sleeping in the same bed as Steven was not exactly easy, especially since she kept remembering how he'd touched her just a little while ago. She licked her lips nervously. "Yeah."

"So, you know how you told me that story about your mom and the Beatles?" He watched a dot of light on the ceiling. Why had he brought that up? Why was he going to tell her this? And why did he feel like it was completely necessary? "My mom used to do that too, only her favorite was Love Me Do. Unless she was drunk, then it was 'slub ee ooo'." He closed his eyes, remembering. And then remembering something else. "I saw her in Vegas."

Jackie turned her head, startled. "What?"

He nodded, still watching that light on the ceiling. "Yeah. Funny story. We were in the bar and the band did a cover of Love Me Do. I asked her if she remembered." His fists clenched tighter. "She didn't."

Jackie's heart ached, and in the dim light, she could see his jaw tightening, his eyelids blinking repeatedly. "Steven," she whispered. God, he'd been so tortured by his parents. He'd never admit it, but she knew better. And it always hurt her, to the core, like she had been responsible for it or something. Torture, actually, was too good a word for what his parents, his mother had done to him. "Well, if it helps…" She cleared her throat and turned over on her side. "I remember everything you and I did together."

Hyde chuckled and turned his head. In the light, he could hardly see her, just a shadow of those sweet eyes, none of their color, and yet all of the Jackie she kept in them. The Jackie he sometimes wondered, after Chicago, if he'd just dreamt up one day while high. No. It was still there, even now, even after all that. "Yeah, actually it does."

Funnier story. It really did help.

"Steven, do you really think I turned Fez gay?" Jackie asked, flopping back over to her back and again looking up at the ceiling.

Hyde shook his head. "No. And I shouldn't have said that." He closed his eyes. "Sorry." He sighed. "Look, Fez has always been gay. We've always kind of suspected, right?"

Jackie shrugged. True. She had. No straight man was actually that interested in women's hair, or women's shoes, or women's clothing…yeah, it made sense. "Yeah, but he'd always worshipped me, for like, ever."

He turned on his side and looked at her. "He worshiped you the way drag queens worship Judy Garland, Jackie."

Jackie laughed. "Oh, god, you're right!" She rolled over onto her side, facing him once again. "You are SO right"

He grinned. Her laughter was so much better than her tears. "Okay, look. The truth is that…" His smile faded, and he closed his eyes, daring to reach out and put his hand on her hip. Just a comforting thing, he told himself. That's all. "You'd turn on any straight man."

She looked at him, smiling. Sometimes he could be so sweet…and those times had always seemed to have such power that they made up for the crap he regularly dished out. "Including you, huh?" she teased, scooting closer to him, putting a hand on his chest lightly.

His eyes opened, and he couldn't help but smile. The girl was something else. "Shut your piehole."

Jackie drew a heart with her fingertips on his chest. "Thank you, Steven," she said lowly. "I just…sometimes I wonder, you know?"

He cleared his throat, his eyes flickering down to where her fingers tickled his skin. "Yeah, well, don't."

After a moment of heavily charged silence, Jackie, her heart pounding, decided she better turn away from him, lest she attack him. "Well…I think I'm sleepy. Night, Steven."

He watched her turn from him, to her other side so that her back was too him. "Night."

And another moment passed.

He moved to her, unable to stop himself, and spooned her the way he used to, the way he'd always slept best.

"Steven," she said, surprised.

"I'm cold," he said, the only excuse he could come up with.

She smiled and closed her eyes, putting her hands over his on her stomach and bringing them up to right between her breasts. That's where he liked them. And she knew why. Not because of her breasts, but to feel her heart. "I'm cold, too."

_But maybe not so much anymore. If this lasts. _

She giggled as he traced a circle on her skin with just the tip of his finger. "No tickling!" In retaliation, she wicked her butt against him.

Hyde snickered and lightly slapped her chest. "No wiggling!"

As they settled down and became quiet, the moon shifted in the sky, and a beam of silver light flittered into the room, it's gaze landing on the sleeping couple.


	5. Mother

**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

**Author's Note:** Thanks SO much for the wonderful reviews! They mean so much to me, and I love, love, love reading them. :) I hope Hyde's mood in this chapter makes sense. He's kind of all over the place. Enjoy!

**Warning: **Language

**Imagine**

**Mother**

_**Father, you left me but I never left you **_

Hyde stared at himself in the bathroom mirror and frowned. Maybe it was the steam from his shower, or maybe it was his guilt, but his reflection seemed warped. Damn Jackie and her stupid dreams. Damn her tendency to talk in her sleep. He shook his head and put some toothpaste on his brush. So what if she'd mumbled something about not having made Fez gay? So what if she'd pleaded with someone, Fez, he guessed, to tell her he was lying. And so what if it was his fault she'd dreamed about it. So what if he'd reminded her that her "perfect man" was into men himself. He had no reason to feel guilty. None at all. So what if his stomach was slowly shredding itself once again.

He began to brush and closed his eyes. Waking up with Jackie curled into him, her head on his chest, soft hair splayed all over him and her warm breath dancing over his skin had been nice. He'd forgotten how nice. Funny. He and Sam had tried to cuddle at first, or rather, she had, but could never get comfortable. They wound up sleeping every night with their backs turned to one another. And he'd been fine with it.

Not like last night when Jackie turned her back on him.

He brushed furiously, not wanting to think about Sam, or Jackie for that matter, opened his eyes and noticed the moustache he'd been wearing lately. Wasn't really sure why he'd grown it in the first place, or why he kept it. Kitty still had a hard time looking at him. Donna mocked him about it, said he was trying to prove his manhood or some stupid feminist crap she dreamt up in her lately very bitchy mind.

And then he remembered something Forman said. He stopped brushing his teeth and stared again at himself in the mirror.

_"I know you're not his son, but you kind of look like Bud did when were little, Hyde. Remember that moustache he had that we always made fun of? Well, until he yelled at us to get the hell out of his house." _

The toothbrush slipped from his fingers and landed with hardly a noise in the sink. _Bud. I remind Forman of Bud. _

Bud. His father, or rather, his not father. The man who'd hardly been around, and

when he was, sat around getting drunk, doing his best to make Edna miserable. He'd burned her with brutal regularity, a lot like how….

Hyde took in a sharp breath and for a moment, felt dizzy.

He treated Jackie the way Bud treated Edna. Maybe even worse, because at least Edna hadn't had any belief that Bud loved her. Or had she?

He stared at the moustache. All he did these days was sit around drinking. _Like _

_Bud. _Giving her shit about anything and everything. _Like Bud would have. _Doing absolutely nothing with his life and blaming everyone else for it. _Just like Bud had taught him. _

"Bud would be proud." He nodded slowly. His veins became cold; filled with icicles instead of blood. His eyes closed. He'd tried, or thought he had, to be anything but like Bud. In fact, part of the reason he'd stayed married to Sam was because he didn't want to run away from his responsibilities the way Bud had, even ones gained by some drunken escapade in Vegas.

Then again, Bud had stayed in a loveless marriage, too, for awhile anyway.

His eyes opened, and instead of his own face, he saw the man he'd long believed to be his father. No blood relation, and yet Bud was inside him. The essence of the man…the influence of the man…The so-called nurture of the man had screwed him up. He'd fought it, sure. He'd managed to stifle it, definitely. Hell, sometimes Jackie'd had him believing that Bud hadn't influenced him in the slightest.

Until that night in Chicago. After that night, he'd pretty much stopped caring about or believing in anything at all.

Hyde grimaced and grabbed the bag he'd stuffed his bathroom stuff, rummaging

through it roughly. He pulled out his razor and a bottle of shaving cream, and again glared in the mirror.

He'd never imagined looking himself in the mirror would be so damn hard. Or that it would leave him feeling like pond scum.

"Fuck you, Bud," he muttered as he began to shave off the offending moustache. All his life, the specter of Bud Hyde had hung over his head. Colored his entire world.

He finished shaving the moustache, and smiled.

No more of that shit.

_**So I got to tell you, goodbye, goodbye **_

The bathroom door opened, and Jackie looked up from the magazine she'd been browsing through while waiting for Steven. "Finally!" She stood up and reached for her coat. "I'm starving. Aren't you hungry?" He only shrugged, but she gasped and dropped the coat she'd just picked up. "Steven, you shaved that creepy moustache off!" She smiled, and something inside of her sighed with relief. The beard so long ago had been one thing, but this moustache…it had always seemed to her that it was some sort of weapon for him, something to keep people from getting to close. Something that reminded him of how he supposedly "should" act.

He lifted a shoulder and avoided her eyes. "Yeah, well, I just felt like getting rid of it." He stopped by the dresser, about five feet away from her.

She moved to him, and started to raise her hand, wanting to brush her fingertips over the newly shorn skin above his lips. Instead, she clenched her fingers into fists and tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Why? I mean, Steven, it was gorgeous." She gave him a playful smile. "I _loved_ it."

He grinned, and that made her tingle inside. Flirting with him was something she'd so missed. Almost desperately at times.

The grin faded, but his eyes remained on hers. "Remember what Forman said? That it reminded him of Bud?"

Jackie frowned and nodded.

"I just…I don't wanna be Bud anymore, you know?"

She stared at him as he looked down at the floor, and for the first time in so long, she saw the little boy he kept so hidden but could never quite kill. Both her eyes and her heart filled, and this time, she didn't resist the urge to touch him. She took his hand, though it remained stiff in hers. "Steven, you're not Bud."

He shook his head, still looking down. "I'm doing exactly what he did when he was around, Jackie. Going to work when I feel like it, getting drunk or screwing random chicks the rest of the time."

She closed her eyes. Even though she was completely over Steven, even though she knew for a fact that he'd slept with other women – had even seen it on accident once – the thought made her feel disgusting and sick.

"And…"

She squeezed his hand. "And what?"

He rolled his eyes and looked away, the way he always did when he didn't want to say something. "And I just realized that for the past year…I guess ever since Chicago…I've been treating you the way Bud used to treat Edna."

Finally his eyes met hers, and all she could do was look into them, that sweet and honest blue that he always hid. Funny, he hadn't worn his glasses much on this trip. She tried to breathe, tried to figure out what this unexpected confession meant. Why was he telling her this? And why was her heart beating so damn fast? Why was her stomach turning somersaults that would rival the world's best gymnast's?

"I just don't wanna do it anymore."

He looked away, making that face that told her he was pissed because he'd said too much. She wanted to press him, but knew if she did, he'd blow up. Her mind reeling, all she could think of to say was his name. "Steven…"

He pulled his hand away from hers and walked to the window. He pushed the curtains back and looked out. "Whatever. Look, what do you want to do today?"

She sighed and walked towards him. "I want to go to Central Park. I want to see if we can find Willow and her friends." She held her breath.

He turned and gave her a bemused smile. "Why are you so interested in her, Jackie? She's a hippy."

"I told you," she said, her tone taking on a light and flirty tone once again. She reached him and patted his chest. "I just have to find out if she shaves her legs or not. I'm dying of curiosity."

"Well, we're not going."

He said it in that tone that she knew oh so well, and so, she responded as she always had, probably always would. She moved closer to him and put her hands lightly on his waist. "Pweease?" And of course, she stuck out her lower lip in her trademark pout.

He, of course, did his eye rolling thing, but gave in. "Fine."

She clapped happily. "Yay!" It felt good, so good, that she could still use that trick on him. So good and so natural.

"But breakfast first."

"Definitely." She turned and headed back to the bed for her coat.

"Hey, Jackie. I…the shaving thing? It's also kind of…I mean, I just thought…"

She turned and looked at him.

"I shouldn't have said what I did last night. You know, about Fez."

She looked down, but then met his eyes. "It's okay. I know you didn't mean it." She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry that I led you on. I just…" She smiled sheepishly and looked away. They had that in common; they both avoided eye contact when confessing anything. "I thought if I seduced you, you'd stop hating me." She swallowed hard and shook her head, dispelling the light tears that had come. Looking up with a bright, forced smile, she still avoided the weight of his gaze. "Come on. I'm starving!"

Just as Jackie walked past him, he caught her arm, and before she knew it, he'd pulled her to him, hugging her. She instantly relaxed, the familiarity of it, the strength of his arms, the warmth breaking any sort of resistance. Her eyes closed.

How long had it been? So damn long…too damn long.

He pulled away, and she looked up at him. He opened his mouth, but then looked away, obviously frustrated. She smiled and reached up to touch his cheek. She was dizzy, and stunned by the entire few minutes, this whole conversation, and yet, it had brightened everything around her. He didn't need to say anything. She knew what he was thinking.

She'd thought she'd lost that ability the day he kept Sam around.

"We'll figure it out, Steven," she whispered, her voice trembling.

He nodded, and drew away from her. "Lets just go eat."

The tone of his voice, colder and more remote, a few minutes ago would have made her cringe. Not now.

She followed him with a knowing smile.

Maybe her Steven was coming around again.

_**I couldn't walk and I tried to run **_

As they walked through the park, under a warm winter sun, Hyde didn't look at Jackie and smoked a cigarette, both of which he knew she hated. But hell. He had to. After that display back at the hotel, he had to do something to restore himself to himself. Jesus, what the hell was happening to him? He glared around at the scenery Jackie was gushing over. Big freaking deal. Grass. A lake. Trees that were dead. Bushes. Wowee.

"There she is, Steven. Come on!"

He let her pull him along, took less energy than to fight her, towards the girl they'd met the other day.

"Willow!"

The girl turned, and her face broke into a huge smile. "Jackie, hi!" The girls eyes found him. "And…Steven, was it?"

He gave her a fake smile. "I prefer Bud, actually." He winced when Jackie elbowed him, and glared at her.

"Steven, shut up!"

She sounded irritated, and that amused him. He smiled at Willow. "You can just call me Hyde."

Willow, her expression half-confused, half-entertained, nodded. "Hyde. Come with me. We're sitting down by the lake, just hanging out, listening to Shawn play the guitar, talking. And of course, we've got food."

"Wait. Before we go. I just have to know."

Hyde grinned. That chick was just too much.

"Do you shave your legs?"

Willow laughed and put her arm around Jackie. "Yeah, I do. Oh, and I wear a bra, too."

Hyde watched Jackie as she clasped her hands together and smiled that relieved, brilliant smile of hers. God, he loved that smile. Hadn't seen it much lately. His own smile faded. He might have a little something to do with that. _I thought if I seduced you, you'd stop hating me. _He'd laid it on thick over the past year. Of course she didn't show him that smile. What reason had she had to smile at him?

"Oh, thank god!"

"Just keep it a secret, okay? I might loose my hippy card if word gets out," Willow teased. "Now come on. I've got a friend who's really anxious to meet you, Jackie. I told him how pretty you are."

Hyde stood in his place as Jackie squealed and the most unlikely pair in history linked arms and practically skipped off towards the lake. A twisting in his gut began to build.

"Steven, come on!"

He shook his head, wondering why his face and chest suddenly burned. He scowled and followed, mumbling under his breath. "That friend better be a chick."

It wasn't. A few minutes later, Hyde found himself sitting on a blanket that covered but didn't soften the hard New York ground, surrounded by six or seven hippies, a few guys, a few chicks, all dressed in typically flowing, brightly colored and patterned clothing and beads. He sat next to Willow and some other chick. Jackie sat across the circle, next to Willow's friend Shawn. He had a guitar, and kept making eyes at Jackie. Those googly eyes that Fez used to make at her. That Kelso used to make at her. That she used to love.

He didn't like him already, and all he'd heard him say was "Hi, I'm Shawn." Shawn. What kind of a pussy name was that? Jackie had clapped and told him he had the same name as Shaun Cassidy.

Shaun freaking Cassidy.

"I think if we just go to Washington, to the White House. Force the president to listen to us. Bring him our petition."

"In a few months. We need to keep gathering signatures. Better to have as many as we can. The more people speak up, the more likely we'll get something done about it."

Hyde frowned. "About what?"

Shawn nodded at him. "Nuclear disarmament. We've got protests scheduled, petition drives." He looked at Jackie and made those goofy eyes again. "We're planning a trip to Washington to present our case to the president himself." He arched his eyebrows, in anticipation, Hyde figured, of Jackie throwing herself at his feet.

To her credit, and to his relief, Jackie looked more bewildered than impressed.

He grimaced. "Like that's gonna do a damn thing."

Willow looked at him, a serene and patient smile on her face. "Of course it will, Hyde. The president can't just ignore the will of the people."

He shook his head and chuckled. "Of course he can. And he will. Listen, the government doesn't give a damn what you or I think about anything."

The girl sitting next to Willow didn't appear so patient, and gave him a rather nasty look for someone so convinced of the beauty of peace and love. "Well, John Lennon believed in protests and speaking up. He led anti-war demonstrations himself, you know."

Hyde noticed that Shawn and Jackie were engaged in their own conversation, and he swallowed hard as the skinny guy who looked quite a bit like Forman but with longer hair took his necklace off and put it around Jackie's neck. He shook his head and focused on the argument at hand. Who the fuck cared about what that guy did to Jackie?

He just better not start pawing at her. He could have all sorts of diseases or something.

"Look, man, what you're trying to do is noble and all. But all those demonstrations got John Lennon was a spot on the CIA's hit list." He shook his head, dead tired of it all, tired of these people, mostly tired of that moony idiot. He stood up. "Come on Jackie. We gotta go."

Jackie glared at him. "I don't want to go, Steven. It's nice here. And they have brownies." She grinned as Shawn handed her one.

He clenched his jaw and stared at her. Stupid bitch. Okay, she wasn't really being flirty with that moron, but she wasn't exactly fending him off, either. And who the hell knew who he was? He could be some serial killer. They said the worst killers were always the ones who seemed the most normal. And this guy seemed normal. "Fine. You stay here. I'm out of here."

He stalked off, breathing harder as he moved.

What in the hell was wrong with him? Why did he feel as if he'd been run over by a Mack truck about ten times? So Jackie had gotten the attention of some guy. That wasn't a surprise. So she'd returned that attention with one of her smiles and taken the necklace he'd offered. That wasn't a surprise either.

Someone grabbed his hand.

"Steven, stop."

He turned to find her standing there, looking annoyed. "What?" he snapped.

"You embarrassed me. What is wrong with you?"

He stared at her. Her eyes were partially angry, partially worried. He knew she wanted to hear something.

Only problem was, he didn't know what to tell her.

And so he shook his hand out of hers and continued walking.

_**Mother, you had me but I never had you **_

Jackie struggled to keep up with Steven, not an easy task in her heels. Plus, he had a longer stride, and he'd never failed to use it to his advantage. "Steven, wait!" she called. Finally, she managed to get close enough to get a grip on his coat, and she pulled it as hard as she could. "Stop, okay?"

He turned around and glared at her. "If you fucking ripped my coat, I'm gonna be seriously pissed, Jackie."

She rolled her eyes. "I didn't rip your coat, although I might as well." She looked in distaste at the worn and tattered thing. "You need a new one."

He rolled his eyes. "That what you wanted to tell me? 'Cause if it is, fine. I'll be moving on now."

"No, Steven." She watched as he sighed and looked down, and she stepped towards him. "What is wrong, Steven? Why did you go off on Willow's friends?"

He glared at her. "I'm so sorry that I interrupted your little flirtation."

She shook her head. He couldn't seriously be jealous. Not that the thought hadn't crossed her mind….She noticed the way his eyes were darting around. The way his adam's apple was rising and falling. And his foot. The dead giveaway. His foot was tapping manically. She had to bite back the smile. "Whatever, Steven. Look, they're just trying to make a difference. You know, a lot of stuff can be fixed just by talking." She looked at him intently, hoping that he realized just what she was trying to say.

Apparently he did, because he made a face. "Right. Talking is pointless. No one listens." A flash of something, some emotion, crossed his face. "My mom taught me that."

Jackie frowned. "Steven, what do you mean?" She wasn't sure if she should, but she took his hand. He was staring up at the sky, looking so distant, she could only wonder if he'd heard her.

"When I was six or seven or something, my mom was taking off. I told her I didn't want her to go."

Jackie was startled. Steven's hand was shaking in hers. She tightened her fingers around him. Where was all of this coming from? Something had broken something in Steven…she wished she knew just exactly what.

"She just waved me away and kept talking to her latest boyfriend on the phone. And then she left." He lowered his head and met her eyes. "Talking got me nowhere with her, and it would have gotten me nowhere with you."

Jackie shook her head. "Steven," she said quietly, gently, pulling his hand towards her. She stepped into his body, and wrapped his arm around her waist. Looking up, she gazed into the now cloudy, haunted blue of his eyes. "I'm not your mother."

He smiled sadly and pulled away from her. "You left. You left without waiting to hear what I was going to say. You just assumed that you knew." He shook his head. "And you didn't."

Jackie couldn't move. The sweetly tortured tone of his voice, low and cracking on a few words, cut her through to the bone. She had never seen or heard such blatant pain on his face or in his voice, and it left her feeling powerless. Tears filled her eyes; she tried to say his name, but her voice died in her chest.

She watched mutely as he pulled his glasses out of his pocket and put them on. "Whatever, Jackie, lets just get out of here. Find a record store or something to kill some time."

She followed him, though how she managed to make her body move was beyond her.

She'd hurt him when she'd left him that damn note. She'd really hurt him.

He'd thought that whatever he had to say wasn't worth anything to her.

And she'd left without even bothering to listen to him.

Just like his mother had.

The tears in her eyes shook themselves loose, and soon, streams rushed down her cheeks. For Steven, for her.

For the couple they could have been had both of them simply made different decisions.

_**I needed you **_

That night, Hyde couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned, till Jackie told him to get up and go for a walk or something. He got up, but only went to the window, and he stood there, looking out, rubbing his neck. It felt like it had a million tight knots inside it.

The majority of the day had been quiet between them. Long silences broken up by awkward and short conversations. They'd walked downtown, gone to a few stores. She'd surprised him by buying The Catcher In the Rye, telling him that maybe if she read the book, she'd understand what drove that man. Mark David Chapman, the news had said his name was.

He'd bought a copy too.

And a copy of Double Fantasy, John Lennon's last album. He had it back at the store. But this was New York. Something just seemed right about buying it in New York, where he'd lived. Kind of like taking a piece of Lennon home with him.

"You want me to rub it for you?"

He hadn't even noticed that she turned the light on. He turned and found her sitting up in bed, looking so sweet and sexy, giving him a slight smile. He grinned and raised an eyebrow.

She shook her head, but her smile grew. "Your neck, Steven. Your neck. It's hurting you, isn't it?" He gave her a shrug. "Come here." She moved and sat on the pillows so she would be higher than him on the bed. "Come here!"

He did, and settled in front of him. Her tiny hands, so warm and soft, began working the muscles in his neck and shoulders, and he closed his eyes. It felt good, but he could tell that it wasn't going to do the trick. He needed something else, something she used to do all the time when he was sore and that had always worked. "Hey Jackie?"

"Yeah?"

He opened his eyes, his stomach tightening. "Can you do that thing you used to do?"

Her hands stilled on him, and he could have sworn that he heard her gasp softly.

"Steven…"

He turned to look over his shoulder, only seeing half of her face. "Just a few minutes, Jackie." A streak of pain shot through his neck and he winced. "Please, doll."

She didn't say anything, but her lips gently pressed the skin at the base of his neck. He swallowed the groan and dropped his chin to his chest. Sweet, tiny, warm kisses moved from side to side of his neck, from side to side of the top of his shoulders.

And just like always, when she kissed him this way, just pecking him slowly, his eyes became heavy. A few more minutes of this…just her lips grazing him…

"Getting sleepy, Puddin' Pop?"

She breathed it into his ear, and he shivered and smiled. Puddin' Pop. "Yeah." Finally, the tension seemed to ease, and he hardly noticed as she guided him to his back on the bed.

When he woke the next morning, she was on his chest again.

He smiled.


	6. Jealous Guy

**Disclaimer:** Don't own! 

**Author's Note: **Thanks SO much for the amazing reviews:) Be prepared for some ups and downs. Hyde is going through a struggle, which I hope you've noticed. :) He's a superjerk in this chapter...but he'll get better. Eventually. It's a journey. So hang in there! 

**Warning: **Language 

**Imagine **

**Jealous Guy **

_**I was feeling insecure **_

Hyde stood at the window in the hotel room, watching the rain pummel the ground. As different as New York was from Point Place, the rain, the stormy clouds looked exactly the same. Rain was rain.

And Jackie was Jackie. She'd once chased him in Point Place until she'd caught him. She was chasing him again in New York. As soon as he woke up that morning, he'd known it. She'd been mumbling his name like a lover would. Like they had been lovers.

He closed his eyes, his stomach knotting up as tightly and as uncomfortably as his neck had been last night. She'd called him Puddin' Pop this morning; chirped it, actually, along with a kiss on the cheek as she practically bounced out of bed to the bathroom for her shower. Acting like a girlfriend, like _his_ girlfriend. He sighed, his eyes opening, and he ran his hand through his tangled hair. Outside, the dirty neighborhood decked with crumbling buildings and running wild children, broken down and rusted cars, was quiet. Too bad his mind wasn't nearly as tame.

She wanted him. Not just for the next few days. She was digging for forever, and she'd already started her seduction. That damn nightie. Cuddling up to him at night. Forcing him to tell her things he shouldn't. Rubbing his shoulders and kissing his skin to relax him. Trying her hardest to make him feel things he couldn't.

_It's working, isn't it, Hyde? Admit it. You can't stop thinking about her. And you're getting all…grinny on me. What the hell, man? _

And that blasted pout. It worked yesterday, and it worked again just a few hours ago. He clenched his fists, wishing Kelso or Fez were here for him to punch, just for the hell of it.

That yellow brick road he'd warned himself about was now straight ahead, and he'd be damned if he was gonna let her drag her down it again. She'd won before, that summer when she'd done the same thing. Drawn him in, then went for the kill. He shook his head, staring hard at a tree outside. The rain battered the weak limbs, and leaf after leaf fluttered to the ground. A man walked by and caught an unsuspecting leaf on his shoe. Hyde watched as the man continued on his way without knowing that the leaf still clung to his shoe's sole. A few seconds later, the man noticed, and he scraped his foot on the ground, ridding himself of the leaf, leaving it torn and almost shredded.

Funny. Reminded him of what Jackie'd done to him.

"Steven, did you hear me? I'm ready to go."

He turned, and did his best to stay on his feet when he took her in. His eyes skimmed up and down. She was severely underdressed for a New York December; wearing a black dress, tight all over, with no straps at all. High heels. Her breasts had filled out some since they'd broken up, and they were looking…awfully delectable.

He turned back around, taking a deep breath. How in the hell was he supposed to think when she looked so freaking hot? "Fine. Lets go." Damn that fucking pout. Now he had to go to a club with her. She'd probably want to dance. And she'd probably wind up pressing up against him like she always did.

_It's just another trick, Hyde. Keep cool. Don't let her get to you. Yeah, she's sexy. And she's poison. Poison. POISON! _

Fuck. If he let her, she'd catch him again.

The worst part about it was that he wanted her to.

_No! No, god damn it, I don't! I don't want it! _

"Is that what you're wearing? Steven, you should at least put on a nicer shirt."

He shook his head, his jaw tensed with anger. There she went again, with her obsession with appearance. Holden Caulfield would agree. Jackie was the epitome of phony. He glanced over his shoulder at her, not looking at anything but her feet. _Fuck, even her feet are hot! _"Do you want to go or not, Jackie?"

He raised his eyes, and was pleased to see that the biting tone of his voice had paled her a little bit.

"Fine." Her voice quivered slightly. "Can we go now?"

He shrugged. "Whatever."

Whatever. Just as long as he kept her at a distance. And hell, it was for her own good, too.

_Goodbye, yellow brick road. Just don't look at her, man. Don't look at her, and listen to her annoying voice. That'll do it. That'll keep you in line, man. _

_Don't look at her. Whatever you do, don't look at her! _

_**I was dreaming of the past **_

"My, Steven, how you've grown up. Wait a second, are the two of you…together?"

Jackie stood next to the table she'd been sitting at with Steven in near silence for the past hour, her knees just about ready to give out on her. Of all the people in the world to run into… on this night…with her plans focused somehow regaining Steven's attention after somehow - she had no clue how – losing it…

Kind of like how Sam had after the Chicago fiasco, another woman showed up and ruined everything.

This time, it was her mother.

Her mother, tall, thin, tan and gorgeous, wore a dress that hardly kept any of her tanned skin hidden from view, what with the plummeting neck line and furiously rising slit up the side. As usual, she looked beautiful and sexy.

And as usual, Jackie's chagrin, her mother had her eye on a man. The way she smiled at Steven, the hair flip that Jackie herself used, the slight arching of her back…

And the way Steven was looking back at her with that goofy smile plastered all over his face….

"We're n-not together, Ms. Burkhart. We're just both…here."

Steven obviously couldn't answer _that_ question quickly enough; he stuttered. Mr. Zen, always in control, Steven Hyde tripped over his tongue. Jackie looked down at the floor, a heaviness erupting from her stomach upwards, coaxing her heart into a freefall. So much for her plans. Last night he'd been so sweet to her. He'd held her all night long. He'd called her "doll". In the morning he'd gone cold again, but those sweet moments, damn them to hell, kept her hanging on.

If only she could truly give up.

If only she could deny what she was feeling yet again.

"Jackie, sweetie, you look a bit pale. You might want to go to the ladies room and touch up your make up."

Her mother's musical laughter mingled in an awkward duet with Steven's nervous chuckle. Jackie shrugged listlessly.

"Well, since you're not together, Jackie, would you mind if I borrowed Steven for a little dance?"

Jackie looked at her mother, who was of course smiling that 'you can't resist my good looks' that hinted of phony affection. The one she'd become so used to. The one with no real anything behind it. Everything fake and plastic. Her mouth opened, she wanted to scream at her mother; to demand to know what she was doing here, why she was suddenly so interested in Steven, why she couldn't find her own rich sugar daddy.

Her voice eluded her.

"I'm feeling a little blue, since Miguel and I called it quits. That's why I'm here in New York. I needed a little bit of excitement, and where better to find excitement than in the big city? Of course, I'll only be staying a few days. The winter weather is just horrible on my tan."

Jackie looked at Steven, trying to catch his eye, praying that he'd look at her and see…and understand…He stared at her mother. Just the way he used to when they were together, like a thirteen year old boy enamored with his English teacher.

"I'd love to dance with you, Ms. Burkhart."

"Oh, please, call me Pam, Steven. Ms. Burkhart makes me seem so old, and, well, I'm too pretty to be old!"

Jackie hardly noticed as the two walked off, leaving her standing like a fool in front of the table. Her eyes closed and she slowly, unsteadily, sank back into her seat.

She'd asked him to dance a dozen times, and his only response was grunted "no's" and waves to the waitress for more beer. But as soon as her mother asked him, he was _happy_ to dance with her. Her mother. All night, all day, actually, he'd been distant and rude to her. The sight of her mother had changed his mood completely, and now he was dancing with her.

She watched them, watched the way her mother touched his chest unnecessarily, watched him respond without looking disgusted like he normally would at the current disco music the club was playing. Her mind began to wander. To Steven. And her mother.

That time she'd come home, finally, and started dating Bob…that party Mrs. Forman had. Steven left her sitting alone on the couch to gather around her mother with all the guys. Steven had told his best friends that he wished he were Bob. Steven had voluntarily worn a tie. He'd stared all night at her mother. And it hadn't ended that night. Later, he'd offered to be the hot guy who tested Pam's loyalty to Bob. He'd seen her topless and liked it. She'd even overheard him talking to Eric, trying to figure out a way to sneak another peek.

And of course, there was that time he mumbled "Pam" in his sleep.

Jackie's eyes filled with tears as she watched her finger trace Steven's name on the black lacquered table that now seemed so dull and ugly.

_Face it, Jackie. He wants her. He wanted her then, and he wants her now. Whatever you thought you and he shared…whatever. He wants __**her**_

_**I was trying to catch your eye **_

Hyde looked anywhere but at Jackie when he and Pam returned to the table. Looked across the room at some stupid painting. Looked up at the ceiling at the dimmed lighting fixtures. Looked down at the ground, surprisingly clean for a nightclub.

"Honey, I was hoping you and Steven would come back to my hotel with me for a few drinks. Oh, you'd love it. It's so glamorous, and there's fabulous room service. We could sit out on the balcony and take in the gorgeous view of the city."

His skin prickled from the heat of Jackie's eyes on him. And Pam's hand on his back slipped lower and lower with each syllable she spoke. Soon it would be on his ass.

He shifted on his feet. Stabs of tension tore what felt like hundreds of sore holes in his gut.

He grimaced angrily. What in the hell was wrong with him? He hadn't done anything wrong. He was single, Pam was hot, though not quite as hot as he remembered, and all they'd done was dance. She'd provided a welcome distraction from Jackie. All night she'd been looking at him, trying to get to him. Chasing him. Pam had been his escape. Hopefully, Jackie had gotten the hint.

_Fuck. Stop looking at me, Jackie! _

"Actually, Mom, I'm not feeling very well. I'm just going to go. I'm sure you're disappointed."

He made the mistake of looking at her, and the pain in his stomach spread wildly upwards. Her eyes weren't teary, but dull. So damn dull and lifeless. He'd seen them like that before…a few times. The nurse. The "I don't know". The moment she found out about Sam.

_She's just upset because her mom's not paying attention to her. She can't be upset that I danced with her. No. I made it clear that we weren't getting back together, so if she's thinking otherwise, and she is upset about me dancing with her mom, it's her own damn fault. _

"Steven can do whatever he wants. I'll see you later. Maybe you can drop by Point Place on your way to your next rich male life support system."

Hyde's eyes followed the tiny girl stomping off, her hair bouncing on her shoulders. He almost smiled. It wasn't every girl who had the balls to burn her own mother. But Jackie…she could be tough. Tough, but then also soft and girly. Funny how the two went together so well. All tough wasn't right. All girly wasn't right. But both…

Pam's uncomfortable laughter interrupted his admiration. "Well, I hope she starts feeling better. Really, I'm not surprised she's under the weather. She's never taken care of herself the way I wanted her to. I'm sure she's been living on food from that horrible Hub place."

Hyde noticed Jackie's coat still hanging on the back of her chair, and he cleared his throat. Jackie was out in the cold, alone. "Uh," he started, backing away from Pam. Weird, her make up up close looked a lot heavier than it did from far away. And her tan, up close, looked almost orange instead of the cocoa Jackie's tan always was. Even now in December, she was a shade of olive that was so much more natural and exotic. "I better go with her. I mean, New York, and she's just so…tiny."

"Wait, Steven. Just let me give you…" Pam grabbed a pen and a napkin from the table, and Hyde looked around impatiently, his eyes straining to keep an eye on Jackie's departing form. She disappeared, and his foot began tapping. Who the hell knew where she'd wind up. Did she even know the name of their hotel? The address? Would she know where to tell a cabbie to take her?

"Here. In case you get bored. I'll be in town for a few days. Come see me."

She handed him the napkin, and without looking at it, he stuffed it in his pocket and smiled weakly. "Sure. I…I'll see you."

He rushed out of the club, and to his relief, Jackie was standing on the corner, attempting to hail a cab with her small hand. He approached her, noticed that she was shivering, and without saying anything, put her jacket around her shoulders. She looked at him, then immediately away again.

He stood next to her, his hands stuffed in his pockets. Finally, the silence was too much. "So, you aren't talking to me or something?"

She snorted lightly, but didn't say a word.

He rolled his eyes. Whatever. If she wanted to pout like a baby, whatever. Although he couldn't resist making one last point. "You mad because I danced with your mom? You're the one who wanted us to go out and have fun. Remember? Oh, Steven, John Lennon would have wanted us to enjoy New York. All I did was what you wanted me to." A cab pulled up to the curb.

She turned to him, her hand on the door handle, and though he expected…hell, he hoped…to see that same Jackie fire in her eyes, the shine that always lit her eyes when she was mad or worked up or passionate about something, it wasn't there. Those eyes, those gorgeous eyes were lifeless in the New York night.

So was her voice.

"Well, I'm so glad you had fun with my mother, Steven. I'm just surprised you didn't go back to her hotel with her. I'm sure she would have made all your dreams come true."

He stood still as she climbed into the cab, slamming the door behind her. Before he could grab the handle and open it, the cab pulled off into the street.

Hyde closed his eyes, slowly opening then and staring at the departing cab's taillights.

"Bitch," he muttered.

_Why? Because she called you out? Because she's upset that you danced with her mother? Hell, you know how she feels about her mother. You KNOW how she feels about her mother, asshole! _

He shook his head, frowning at his stupid thoughts. He hailed another cab and got in. No. He wasn't going to be sorry. He'd made himself perfectly clear to her. And if she couldn't deal with it…

It wasn't his problem.

_**I'm just a jealous guy **_

She'd filled the bathtub with water as hot as she could stand it, and now lay in it, trying to forget. Trying to eradicate the images of Steven dancing with her mother.

Had he ever looked at _her_ the way he'd looked at her mother? With naked desire? With that silly smile? Had he ever wanted her the way he'd wanted her mother?

And had he thought of her mother when they were…

Her eyes closed, and she dug her nails into the sides of her thighs. She couldn't remember. What she could remember was always doubting if she was hot enough for him. If she'd keep his interest. Especially after he ogled her mom. And after he'd said Brooke was hot. After he'd offered to let that skanky girl at the hub touch his hair.

"You still not talking to me, Jackie?"

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Why don't you just go see my mother if you're so desperate for someone to talk to?" She heard him snort on the other side of the locked bathroom door.

"What's the matter, Jackie? You jealous because you're mom's hotter than you'll ever be?"

She covered her mouth just in time to smother the scream that yearned for release.

But after a few minutes of sobbing her eyes out, she didn't care if he heard her or not.

And after another few minutes, she furiously wiped her eyes, got out of the tub, wrapped a towel around her now raging body and tore the door open. Steven lay on the couch lazily, watching television, his hands clasped behind his head. Looking as if nothing had happened. She took a few steps towards him, her body shaking. "Why don't you just go to her, Steven?"

He wasn't wearing his sunglasses, and she saw the annoyance in his eyes. "God, Jackie, will you just tell me what the big freaking deal is? You're acting like a baby."

She smirked. "As opposed to you, who handled it so maturely yesterday when you were jealous of Shawn."

He arched an eyebrow. "Oh, please, Jackie. I wasn't jealous of that…fruitcake."

Jackie shrugged. She knew differently. Jealousy and Steven went hand in hand. He was always jealous of something, or someone. "Whatever, Steven." She turned to go back into the bathroom.

"At least I didn't start crying because my mommy didn't pay any attention to me."

She stopped in her tracks. Her eyes burned, just as her heart, her veins did. Was that what he thought this was about? Did he just not get it? Didn't he realize why she was upset? Didn't he GET it? She closed her eyes and tried to catch her breath. "Just leave me alone," she whispered, not sure if he'd heard her or not.

Not sure it even mattered.

She slammed the bathroom door behind her and locked it.

This time, she didn't bother to struggle to soften her sobs.

_**I was shivering inside **_

He'd been surprised when she came out of the bathroom, her eyes swollen, her face blotchy. That hadn't surprised him, since he'd heard her sobbing. What surprised him was that she'd gotten into bed with him, without saying anything other than a quiet request to turn the television down a little bit. With that, she'd turned her back on him.

And now it was a few hours later. He was on his back, staring through the dark at the ceiling.

Feeling like shit.

Pretty much par for the course when it came to Jackie.

God, what was wrong with him? Hadn't he told her, just yesterday, that he didn't want to treat her like Bud treated Edna? Hadn't he?

Then why in the hell had he purposefully flirt with her mom? Why had he taunted her about it? Why did he have such a deep need to hurt her?

He tugged the covers up over his shoulder. Crap, it was cold in this damn room.

He glanced over at her. She was sleeping. Maybe…maybe she wouldn't notice if he just…and maybe if she woke up and he was holding her…

It always used to work.

Just as he slid his arm underneath her body, a sharp elbow made harsh contact with his middle.

"Don't touch me."

He grimaced, backing away slightly. "I just…I'm cold," he replied lamely.

A slight silence, then she chuckled lowly. "Yeah. Yeah, you are, Steven."

He swallowed hard and rolled away from her to his back, and stared at the ceiling again.

After a moment, he rolled over so his back was to hers, and smiled bitterly.

Wasn't this always what he wound up with?


	7. Jealous Guy Reprise

**Disclaimer: **Don't own.

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much for the furious reviews! Hee hee hee...I know you're all mad at Hyde, and yes, he's a dick. Grrrr. Hang in with me, k? You guys are great, and you'll be rewarded in the end. You know that. So trust me. Enjoy this chapter!

**Warning:** Language. Hyde. Bad Hyde. :)

**Imagine **

**Jealous Guy (Reprise) **

_**I was swallowing my pain **_

Jackie stood in the bathroom, making sure her make up was perfectly applied. Steven still wasn't awake, and she was glad. She needed time to recover her strength, to stir her anger and hurt into hate so she could fight fire with fire. And so she figured she'd go to Central Park, hang out with Willow and her friends, maybe flirt a little with Shawn. Restore the confidence that Steven, yet again, had managed to shatter. She smiled at herself, but the smile faded.

If only she could make herself not care. If only…if only there was no love left.

How could she stop loving him?

She bowed her head, closing her eyes to barricade the sudden influx of tears inside. She'd thought she had. Thought he feelings for Steven Hyde were long dead. But with only a few sweet moments, they'd returned, and drowned her entire body. Just a few tender looks, and she was back in that place where Steven was the miracle of her life.

"Jackie?"

She shook her head, swallowing the burning sensation in her throat and grimaced. No. No tears. No more. She was going to enjoy her day, and he wasn't going to take anything else away from her. She straightened her shoulders, patted down her hair, and walked out of the bathroom. He was sitting up in bed, rubbing his eyes and looking like such a sleepy little boy she couldn't help but smile. But before he saw it, she bit it back, and stalked over to the chair where she'd laid her coat. "I'm going out."

She felt his eyes on her as she put the coat on.

"What? Where are you going."

She rolled her eyes but didn't turn to look at him. Fussing with the buttons on her coat, she casually tossed her hair over her shoulder. "If you _really_ must know, Steven, I'm going to Central Park."

"Give me a few minutes and I'll go with you."

She grabbed her purse, then started for the door. "No." Yes. This felt good. Being just as defiant to him as he always was to her. Yeah. She liked it. Just as she reached the door, however, he grabbed her wrist and turned her forcibly around, and she swallowed hard. She didn't want to look at his face, but he wasn't wearing a shirt, so gazing at his chest….damn it….so freaking sexy….or shoulders….perfect for her head to rest on….were both out of the question. Slowly, she lifted her gaze to his, and of course, his blue eyes were icy. He still held her wrist, and she struggled to find strength to pull away from his touch.

"Look, Jackie, I don't get why you're so upset. So I flirted with your mom. So what? You and I aren't together. You don't have any right to be upset, okay? Just get over it."

She shook her head, her eyes falling to their joined bodies; his fingers circling her wrist. How could he say such a thing while touching her? Didn't he feel it? The sparks, the seeming blood connection between them? Or maybe…maybe she'd just imagined it. Maybe she continued to just imagine it. She pulled herself away from him and took a step backwards, again looking at his eyes. Blue ice. _Why am I not used to it by now? _"You always wanted her," she answered, her voice quiet and unsteady. "Even when we were together, you wanted her." Her face flushed, and the hurt raised her voice. She clenched tight fists near her thighs, pounding herself slightly with her words. "What would you have done if she'd come on to you then, huh?"

He looked startled; his brow furrowed, and the ice in his eyes instantly melted. But only for an instant, and then an impatient, annoyed expression, one she knew all too well, replaced it. "Give me a break…"

"No. What would you have done, Steven?" Her voice broke. This time, she didn't bother to fight to keep the few tears lingering on the edge of her eyes in.

He sighed, and his face softened. He reached out to her, but she pulled away, his fingers just barely skimming her forearm. "I wouldn't have done anything with her, Jackie." His voice, too, was low. And sincere.

Jackie trembled, inside and out. She wanted to believe him.

But she didn't. The way he'd looked at her mom last night…the way he used to look at her mom when they were still together…the way he'd wanted to see her mom topless again…the way he'd mumbled her mom's name in his sleep that one night…

She shook her head and looked at the floor. "I just don't believe you, Steven," she whispered.

After a long moment of thick silence, she took a wavering, deep breath and turned from him. "I'm going."

"Just wait a few minutes and I'll go with you."

She gripped the doorknob and closed her eyes. Part of her, the heart of her, wanted to give him a chance to convince her. Wanted to wait, to see if he had more sweetness left to give her, if he could change the hurt inside of her the way he'd done before. "No."

The other part of her, her brain, was stronger, for once in her life. She pulled the door open.

"I don't need you to. I don't want you to."

She walked out and closed the door behind her. Taking a deep breath, she gazed upwards at the blue sky, and smiled sadly.

It felt good to tell him no. And she meant that first part, that she didn't need him. It felt good.

She'd just have to work on the second part.

As she started to walk, her smile turned wistful. Funny. She'd come on this trip with the hopes of remembering, with the hopes of him remembering. Now all she wanted to do was to forget.

_**You might not love me anymore **_

Hyde stood against a tree, arms crossed in front of his chest, and watched Jackie. She was about twenty feet away, sitting on the ground in some weird Indian style. Apparently, Willow was teaching her yoga. Her eyes were closed, her forehead wrinkled in concentration. He was glad, because he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He pressed his lips together. She thought he'd always wanted her mother. And that he'd have slept with her if given a chance, even when they were together.

God, why in the hell was it bugging him so much? So what if she thought he'd always wanted her mother? He had, sort of.

He kept watching her, and she didn't look at him at all. It sort of made him proud. The Jackie a few years ago probably wouldn't have walked out on him into New York City alone the way she had just an hour ago.

"Hey, Hyde."

Hyde looked to his left, and cleared his throat over the groan in his chest. Good old Shawnie boy. He scowled. "Hey, Shawn." Something about this guy really grated on his nerves. Maybe it was the fact that he wore beaded necklaces, and paisley shirts. And that his hair was perfectly coiffed and feathered. Hell, weren't hippies supposed to not care so much about looks? This guy had the look of a displaced Boy Scout. Yeah. That had to be why he wanted to puke whenever this guy was around.

Shawn nodded towards Jackie. "So, hey. I've been meaning to ask you. Do you and Jackie have something going on?"

Hyde pushed his glasses up and glared at the idiot. "No," he said, his stomach tightening. "We're just…" He glanced over at her again. She was laughing at something Willow said. She tossed her hair over her shoulder, then arched her neck, wincing as if working out a crimp in it. Glorious skin, just a slight exotic tint to it…right there…just asking to be kissed, and he knew just how she liked it. "Friends or whatever."

His fists clenched, and he wanted to hit something. Or someone. Hard. Until that something or someone bled, maybe to death.

"Cool. I was just wondering, because god, she's gorgeous. I've been thinking about making a move, and I didn't want to step on any toes."

Hyde didn't move. "Man, that's not such a good idea," he said, struggling to keep his voice steady. His eyes stayed on Jackie. Now she was arching her back, pushing her elbows back and her chest forward. He smirked slightly. Yeah. She was doing it on purpose. And as if he needed confirmation, her eyes met his for the briefest of moments.

Then, as his stomach dropped completely out of his body, those eyes moved to his left to land on Shawn. And then, only then, she smiled.

"Why not? Come on, did you see that smile she just gave me? I think she's into me."

Hyde's jaw clenched. "She's not looking for anything, okay? She doesn't need a random hook up. Look, she's just…she's…" He rolled his eyes. "She's coming off a bad break up."

_You're not talking about her break up with Fez, are you, Hyde? _

"Oh, man. What happened?"

Hyde shook his head, tearing his eyes away from her and looking off into the distance. He noticed a couple, a tiny woman, average sized guy. They were sitting on the ground, the girl nestled in the guy's lap, and he shrugged. It had been a long time since she'd been in his lap. "The guy was an idiot," he answered quietly. "Picked another woman over her."

_Wait, Fez picked a GUY over her. Oh. Oh, that's right. YOU picked another woman over her. Fucking idiot. _

He heard Shawn sigh, and hoped that he'd scared him off.

"You know what? I think I'm exactly what she needs right now. She probably needs to feel beautiful and sexy. And I can make her feel that."

Hyde snapped his eyes towards the bastard.

Shawn smirked back at him, raising his eyebrows. "I've got a plan."

The moron jogged off, calling to Willow, and Hyde kicked the ground. Fucking bastard. Fucking bastard. Fucking BASTARD!

A few minutes later, however, he'd gathered with the others in a circle. They'd offered to share their stuff with them. Hell, if there was one thing that would make him feel better right about now, pot was it. Plus, doing it in Central Park, out in the open, was pretty exhilarating. Also, the look on Jackie's face when Willow kissed one of the other hippy dudes and then one of the hippy chicks – deep, tongue kisses, both of them – was also rather amusing.

She sat down next to Willow, across the small circle from him, and he watched her as she studied Willow with that cute little furrowed up brow. "So, wait," she said. "Are you with him – " She pointed at the hippy dude. "Or her?" She gestured towards the other chick.

Willow smiled and patted Jackie's leg, leaving her hand there. Hyde took a hit and grinned at the discomfort his girl couldn't hide. "Oh, I'm not _with_ anyone, Jackie." She looked around the group, giving all of them dreamy, almost lusty smiles. "I love everyone, everyone who's open to it. Love is so beautiful, and it should be free. It should be shared. To put restrictions on it only mutilates it."

The three hits he'd taken had relaxed him, and Jackie's shock at Willow's position made him grin. "Free love. Sex without the chains of monogamy. Yeah. Sounds perfect to me."

The mellowness and freedom of the pot didn't last the withering look Jackie gave him. Or the way she turned to Shawn, sitting on her other side, giving him her best sex kitten look. He sat still, unable to look away.

"So, Shawn, do you believe in free love, too?" She licked her lips. "Because if you do, maybe you can…well…share some of it with me."

He just sat there, the usual hunger pangs that came along with the circle dulling into complacency. He watched as Shawn stood up and helped Jackie to her feet. She gave him a triumphant smirk, then flounced off, that god damn hair bouncing on her shoulders, her fucking ass winking at him as she danced off behind Shawn's tugging hand.

All he could do was stare. She couldn't. She wouldn't. No way in HELL would she sleep with some stranger, in Central Park. She wouldn't. She couldn't. She couldn't. She COULDN'T. Jackie wasn't a whore. She didn't believe in free love. She only slept with someone she loved. She couldn't do this. She just couldn't. No.

_NO! _

Too bad she wasn't turning around and coming back. Too bad she'd already disappeared with that idiot, sex crazed maniac. That asshole didn't care anything about her. He just wanted in her pants. He probably wouldn't even have any idea of what to do even if he did managed to get her naked.

Was someone talking to him?

Fuck, how could she just offer herself up to some stranger?

"Hyde!"

He blinked. Willow was yelling at him. He looked at her. "What?"

She smiled knowingly. "I just wanted to tell you that I know where Shawn's taking her. You know, in case you want to go stop her, or anything."

He forced a chuckle. "Why would I want to do that? I don't care if she…." He gestured wildly in the direction Shawn had absconded with Jackie. "Does whatever with him."

So what if that asshole was going to put his hands all over Jackie. So what? So what if he'd touch her, and kiss her sweet little body, taste her beautiful breasts, her flat stomach, her toned and tight thighs…._his_ sweet little body, _his _beautiful breasts….

_Mine. __**I'm**__ the one who knows how to drive her insane, to make her scream and shake and freaking cry. _

Hyde staggered to his feet and glared at Willow. His face burned, just as the center of his chest did. She gave him that same bemused smile, but he didn't give a damn. "I'm out of here." Quickly, he stalked off, in the same direction Shawn had kidnapped Jackie in. He'd find them. Didn't need Willow's help. There were only so many places in Central Park they could go.

Of course he couldn't find them. He stopped, looking around the edge of the park, his heart racing. Panic.

"Hyde. Hey."

He turned at Willow's gentle pull on his elbow, suddenly feeling helpless. He didn't say a word, but looked at her.

She smiled. "I'll take you to her, okay?"

He swallowed, but shrugged, as if he didn't really give a damn.

_The thing is, Hyde, you do. A HUGE damn. _

_**I began to lose control **_

A stranger's tongue was in her mouth, his kisses thin and sloppy, and Jackie struggled to respond, to not push him off her and vomit in disgust. Luckily, he pulled away and gave her a sexy smile, a whisper of her name before brushing her hair away from her neck and dropping his lips to the exposed skin.

Her eyes opened, and she stared dully at the inside of a VW van, quite a bit like Michael's. Her mind whirled…always coming back to Steven. How could he let her run off with a stranger?

_No, Jackie, the question is how could YOU let yourself run off with a stranger? What's the matter? You wanna feel good? You wanna feel sexy? This is what you always do when Steven hurts you or disappoints you or doesn't do your bidding. _

_Remember how you always ran to Michael when you had problems with Steven? _

_Remember how that only led to more problems? How it didn't change anything…and you ended up feeling worse? _

She froze, no longer bothering to pretend a response to Shawn's continued and wet work on her neck. "Wait," she whispered.

_Wait for WHAT, Jackie? For Steven to go hunt down your mom and make out with her right in front of your face? Remember how he used to look at HER? Remember how he wanted to be the one she was caught cheating on Bob with? Remember "Don't wait up for me, baby?" Remember that he saw her topless and LIKED it? _

With a cry she prayed sounded like a moan, she turned her head quickly back towards Shawn, shrugging him off her shoulder. She plastered her lips to his and kissed him as hard as she imagined Steven was probably kissing one of the hippy chicks about now.

Her mother had always told her what was good for the goose was good for the gander.

She smiled into the kiss.

And hell, Steven would probably appreciate the burn.

_**I didn't mean to hurt you **_

Just as Hyde and Willow reached the butt ugly VW van, Jackie burst out of the door, her shirt haphazard on her body, her hair slightly messy. She ran past him, close enough to brush his shoulder with hers, and close enough for him to hear her gasping sobs. Shawn tumbled out after her, his own shirt off, calling her name.

All Hyde could see was red.

Willow stopped him from beating the shit out of Shawn by stepping in front of the bastard. "Go to her, Hyde. Right now."

He swallowed, his throat burning with rage. That asshole had probably freaked her out with some sick sex thing she wasn't prepared for….

"Hyde, NOW!"

Shaking his head, he turned and followed Jackie, breathing hard before he even started jogging. He caught her small strides easily and grabbed her shoulders. To his surprise, she stopped immediately, as if she knew it was him. "Jackie." He turned her so she faced him, and the tears on her only fueled his fire. His fingers tightened on her. "Jackie, did he hurt you?" He leaned down towards her. "Tell me if he hurt you, Jackie. I'll go kick his ass." His temples throbbed. Fucking bastard probably tried to rape her.

And oh, how he would pay. With his balls. Or his life.

"YOU hurt me, Steven!" She shook her head and pushed him, her tiny hands pressing hard against his chest. "He didn't hurt me, YOU did!"

He stumbled backwards and stared at her. She buried her face in her hands, and he just stood there.

"Why did you want my mother when you had me, Steven?"

She turned and walked away, slowly, but he remained still, only his eyes trailing her.

And he wondered. Did she mean then or now?

Hell, did it even really matter?

The cab ride back to the hotel was quiet, until just a few blocks from their place. Hyde stared out the window, away from Jackie. His gut was twisting, harder and harder with each moment she said nothing at all.

"When I was little my mom told me that people were drawn to beautiful things, and that they stayed where beautiful things were."

Hyde turned his head. She was staring down at her lap, and the defeat on her face…God damn, his stomach hurt.

"She also told me that I was beautiful." She smiled, but the smile was laced with bitterness. "One day I asked her. If I was so beautiful, why did she and my dad leave me all the time?"

He looked at the ceiling of the cab. "What did she say?"

The cab pulled up at their hotel room, and Jackie leveled an icy glare at him, one he felt to his bones. And one that drew his eyes to her.

Ice was putting it mildly.

"Why don't you go find my mother and ask her?"

Once again, he stayed still as she got out of the cab and slammed the door.

His eyes closed. Damn it, when was she going to get the hell over it?

_Maybe when you fucking realize how much you hurt her, you moron! _

He sighed, opened his eyes and got out of the cab. He'd hurt her. Fine. He did that a lot. He didn't always mean to. He certainly hadn't back then.

Then again, maybe he had.

Hell, he didn't know. He didn't know anything at this point.


	8. I'm Losing You

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Author's Note:** I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I've updated. Work sucks. Big time. Anyway...here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoy it. And thank you SO much for any and all reviews, and for reading! You guys are so wonderful to me. :)

**Warning: **Language

**Imagine **

**I'm Losing You **

_Do you still have to carry that cross? _

Hyde knocked on the bathroom door, once again locked, once again Jackie's protection from him. "Jackie, I'm going out," he called. He stood there, his hand on the knob and waited for a response, but received none. Rolling his eyes, he turned and left, ignoring the concern in his gut that she hadn't heard him. Didn't matter anyway. She'd be glad to come out of the bathroom and find him gone.

As he wandered the streets, looking for something though nothing in particular, he shook his head periodically, always coming back to one thought. Why couldn't she just leave it in the past? All that crap about her mother, how he'd wanted her mother...ancient history. And not even accurate. He sighed and swallowed. If only _he_ could stop thinking about her.

_Why did you want my mother when you had me, Steven? _

An ugly, flashing, green neon sign for a bar half a block ahead caught his eye. Bud's. He smiled. Figures. But what the hell. A beer sounded good, and it was freaking freezing outside.

It was the typical neighborhood watering hole, dark, a little rank, nothing fancy with a few tables a chairs, pool table, darts. He sat at the bar and ordered a beer. It would do. Anything would be better than that hotel room, with her.

He downed half the beer in one gulp. Drink fast. Drink a ton. Forget. Forget it all. The second half was gone in another gulp, and he waved to the bartender for another.

She thought he would have done something with her mother when they were together. Funny, since he'd actually had the opportunity. Even funnier, since he'd turned Pam down. And then Pam left with some Lincoln dealer, or so she'd told everyone. And he hadn't said a word, ironically enough because he hadn't wanted to hurt Jackie.

He smiled bitterly and sloshed the amber liquid around in his glass, watching it move. Protecting Jackie had never gotten him a damn thing, and yet time after time, he kept doing it. Even today. He would have killed that asshole if he'd raped her or hurt her.

He'd kill anyone who hurt her.

_Including yourself? Is that what Sam was about? Is that what this past year of nothing but drinking, pot and sluts was about?_ _A slow suicide? _

"Steven."

He turned, and there was Pam, giving him that sly smile of hers. "Pam." He looked around, then back at her, and he frowned. "What are you doing here? This doesn't really seem like your kind of place." She touched his shoulder, and instinctively, he pulled away. "Jackie's not here."

"Jackie? Oh, no, no. I'm here to see you." Pam pulled out the stool next to him and sat down as daintily as she could, a look of distaste crossing her perfectly painted features. "To tell you the truth, I followed you here." She smiled again and licked her lips. "I thought about you all night, Steven. About how much you've grown up."

Hyde watched as her hand slithered like a snake across the bar top. Her fingers, ended with long, red nails, crept on top of his. Her skin was cold, and he cringed.

"Why don't you come back to my hotel with me, Steven? We could order room service..."

Hyde's cringe remained on his face as he watched her lick her lips. She did it with none of the subtly Jackie did. Her voice didn't lower and smoothen the way Jackie's did when she went into seduction mode.

And he didn't feel the heat Jackie always laced her words, her touches with. There was something Jackie did, some feeling she put into the way she seduced...

_Love, you moron!_ _She loved you, and that's what got you so damn hot! _

Just like last time, he was finding that while Pam was extraordinarily appealing from a distance, up close she was a mess that he wanted nothing to do with.

"Doesn't dinner in bed sound wonderful?"

Hyde looked at her, at her nondescript eyes that were nothing like her daughter's, full of emptiness whereas Jackie's were always full of her. He shook his head and looked back at his beer. He pulled his arm away from Pam's scratching nails. "I'll pass." He wondered if Jackie was still crying, or if she was worried about him, wondering where he'd gone.

He wondered if she thought he'd gone to her mother. He stood up and turned to Pam, who was staring at him in shock. "I'd rather go check on your daughter."

"But Steven." Her hand clamped around his forearm. "This isn't like last time. You and Jackie aren't together. You don't have to use her as an excuse. She won't care if we...get to know one another a little better."

He smirked. "Yes she would. And just for the record, this is exactly like last time. I don't want to have sex with you now. I didn't want to have sex with you then." He paused, and Jackie's smile the last time they'd slept together flooded his memory. He thought of that smile often, though he hated when he did. Then Jackie's hopeful smile when Pam promised to spend more time with her before...that damn night she'd caught him alone, before she'd taken off on her only child yet again. "I had Jackie then. And she wasn't an excuse. She was my chick." He pulled out a few bills, dropped them in front of his half-full beer, and turned to leave.

Then turned back.

"Jackie told me that when she was little, you told her people stayed where beautiful things were, and that she was beautiful."

Pam, still looking a little stunned, nodded. "I remember that. And she asked me why her father and I were always going on trips and vacations without her."

Hyde raised an eyebrow. "What did you tell her?"

Pam leaned forward, as if telling him a secret, and her smile was patronizing. "Oh, well, to be perfectly honest, Jackie wasn't a very beautiful little girl. She always had a little extra weight...baby fat, of course. I told her that she wasn't yet beautiful enough, and when she was, her father and I would be around all the time." She blanched at his stare. "I only told her that so she'd get inspired, so she'd start taking care of herself and working on herself." She smiled. "And she did." She shook her head and smiled. "Jackie's grown up to be a very pretty girl. Not as pretty as me, of course." She laughed.

His hands tightened into fists, but he took a deep breath and grinned. "Hey. There's a guy over there who might wanna take you up on your offer." He pointed to the corner of the bar, where an obviously inebriated man sat slumped over, his head nearly on the bar top. Without waiting for Pam to respond, he took off.

He walked quickly.

Now he understood why she still carried that damn cross around. Her mother had shoved it so far down her throat, she couldn't get it out.

_But hell that was way back when _

Jackie paced the hotel room, the heat lingering in her body from her bath enflaming the hurt and anger Steven had so graciously started in her. Where the hell was he?

The door opened, and he walked in, looking surprisingly sheepish. Not cocky or angry...almost regretful.

It didn't matter. She attacked. She'd been planning it since she got in the bathtub. No more running away from him in tears. He was going to hear from her, and how.

"So." She faced him, crossing her arms over her chest. "Where'd you go? To see my mother?"

His jaw tightened. "No. Well, I mean, I saw her, but it's not what you think."

She rolled her eyes and turned away. "Of course it's not. It never is, is it?" She closed her eyes, begging God for the strength to deal with this hell.

"Jackie..."

"No. I'm gonna talk now!" She whirled around, fueled by his voice, sounding so damned put upon and impatient. She met his eyes. "You don't get it, do you, Steven? Why I'm so upset about your little thing with my mother. Well, I'm gonna tell you, and you're gonna listen!" She took a deep breath, though she was surprised when he simply sank down on the bed, his eyes still locked on her. "You flirted with other women all the time when we were together, Steven, including my mother. You said that you wished you were with my mother right in front of me. You called other women hot right in front of me." Tears came to her eyes, but she ignored them, and she stepped a few feet closer to Steven. "Did you ever wonder why I felt insecure when you called Brooke hot? Did you?"

He shrugged and looked at the ground. "I guess...not really."

She nodded. "Of course you didn't. Well, I'll tell you. For a long time, I thought the only reason you were with me was because I was hot." Unable to look at him while admitting this, she walked to the window and stared outside. "You were always calling me shallow and telling everyone you never listened to me. I figured that only left one reason for you to be with me."

She felt his eyes on her.

"Jackie..."

"So when you would look at other girls, Brooke, my mom, I thought you would find someone hotter and leave me." She squeezed her eyes closed, holding the tears in. "You never told me you thought I was hot, so I just...I was always scared you'd leave me."

She didn't move when he put his hands on her shoulders. "You knew I thought you were hot. Did...didn't you?"

"You didn't care about how I felt, Steven," she whispered, a tear dropping from her eye. She turned and glared at him, the anger once again boiling to overflow. "That's why you were a lousy boyfriend, Steven! Not because you didn't buy me flowers or take me to fancy restaurants, but because you didn't even care about how I felt! About anything!"

Now his eyes began to flash, and his body stiffened. "God, I am sick as hell of hearing how I was a such a lousy boyfriend I was. I'm sick of this being all my fucking fault!" He stepped closer to her. She backed up, but he stepped to her again, and his eyes bored into hers. "You were no angel, Jackie. When did _you_ ever care about how _I _felt? All those times you used Kelso to make me jealous or to make me do what you wanted...did you care about how I felt then?"

Jackie looked down, guilt now mixing with hurt and anger. "I shouldn't have done that." After a second of awkward silence, she looked up at him. "But I never said his name when we were in bed together." Steven's expression turned puzzled, and she smiled sadly. You said my mom's once. You were sleeping."

He stared at her. "I don't remember that."

She lifted a shoulder. "Yeah, well, I do." Her head ached, and all she wanted was escape. This conversation was pointless. He'd never understand. He'd never even care. She brushed past him, heading for the bathroom and yet another scalding bath. But of course, she stopped at the door and turned, one more thing to say to him. He hadn't turned, still faced the window, and she shook her head. Coward. "The worst thing is that after that, I always wondered if you thought about her when you and I were..."

He turned then.

And so did she, slamming the bathroom door just as she burst into tears. She sank to the floor, leaning against the side of the bathtub and bringing her legs to her chest. She cried, and wondered if the memory of way back then was ever going to let her go.

_So what the hell am I supposed to do? _

She was right about one thing. He'd been a lousy boyfriend to her. Not for not caring about her or her feelings, but for not realizing how insecure she really was, or how what he said and did fed into that insecurity.

_Fuck, I said her mother's name? While in bed with her? Jesus, no wonder she was so freaked out last night. _

_God, what in the hell am I supposed to do? _

Hyde sat at Bud's again, the same stool he'd just left half an hour ago, and nursed another beer. Someone took the seat next to him, but he didn't look up. Just prayed that it wasn't Pam. He wondered if the heavy stabbing pain in his chest would go away if he drank enough beer.

"Buy her flowers."

Hyde turned his head to the right, to the guy who'd sat down next to him. "What?"

The guy grinned as if he knew what Hyde was thinking and drinking about. "Buy the girl you're moping about flowers. Usually works." The bartender set a shot down in front of the stranger, and he drank it quickly. "That's what I'm on my way to do."

Hyde wanted to scoff, to tell the guy that no amount of flowers could fix...

Then again, maybe they could. Or if not fix, maybe they could at least help.

He nodded, tossed a five dollar bill on the bar and stood up. "Thanks, man."

_Stop the bleeding now _

Jackie stared, her mouth open, at the crystal vase full of two dozen red roses sprinkled in between with baby's breath Steven had just set down on the dresser. "Wh...I just..."

"I never bought you flowers," Hyde said, clearing his throat nervously, shifting on his feet and stuffing his hands into his pockets. "I bought Sam flowers once, and it doesn't seem fair..." He looked away. "Only one dozen though, and this is two, so..."

Jackie wasn't sure how to respond, how to feel. The softness beginning to surround her heart...should she let him off the hook so easily? With just a dozen roses? How could that make up for everything else he'd done? So he wanted to make up for having bought Sam roses and not her. That didn't make up for him having married Sam and not her.

Then again...it was something. Something she'd long given up on.

She fingered the blossoms, her heart beating quickly. "They're beautiful."

He cleared his throat again and looked at her. "You are." Her eyes found his, surprise scrambling the colors of them, and he smiled slightly. "I've always thought so, Jackie." Tentatively, he took a few steps to her, his stomach tightening. He'd never done anything like this, for anyone. He'd always railed against this kind of thing.

Of course, that was before he knew about all the fucking damaged he'd done.

"Your mom isn't beautiful, Jackie."

Her breath caught in her throat.

"Neither is Brooke."

Now she was dizzy, and she had to reach out for his arm to stay stead on her feet. He smiled and pulled her closer, his hand moving from her hand to her waist, then sliding around to her back.

She looked up at him, into the blue of his eyes. And though her soul was still confused, she didn't pull away. "Steven?"

He shrugged. "I'm sorry, Jackie," he said quietly, his voice breaking the tiniest bit. "I'm sorry for how I made you feel. For not...for being an idiot and not realizing it." He grinned. "Guess all those years of hanging out with Kelso...he must have rubbed some of his moron cells off on me."

Jackie giggled, her eyes swelling with tears, only this time, tears that didn't burn and hurt. This was her Steven, the Steven only she knew about, the one he always wanted to hide. "Oh..."

"I wouldn't have done anything with your mom, Jackie. Not then and not now."

He brushed a tear off her cheek, and she nodded. She believed him. For some ungodly reason, she believed him. His eyes...they were honest. And she could see into him. He wasn't lying to her. Not this time. "I believe you, Steven," she whispered.

He took a deep breath. One more thing she had to know. Because it wasn't all his fault. And if he'd been a jealous jerk to her at times, there was a reason. "Look, you asked me why I wanted your mother when I had you." He stared into her eyes. "Maybe I was never sure if I really had you."

Jackie nodded. She knew her part in this. She'd been as guilty as he was, of different but equally damaging things. "I'm sorry, Steven," she said, slipping her arms around his waist. "I shouldn't have used Michael against you all the time. I shouldn't have...you did have me...you really did, and I should have...I should have made sure that you knew that instead of..."

She couldn't keep talking; her throat closed, and she dropped her head to his shoulder.

He held her, and they stood like that for a long, quiet moment.

Finally, he shrugged her up and gave her a cheeky smile. "If you take those roses, I'm off the hook for everything."

Jackie giggled and swatted at his backside. "It's a deal."

They stared at one another.

"We..." Hyde pulled her closer, her breasts pressing against him, and his blood beginning to leave his head in a hot race towards more pleasurable areas of his body. "We're still not getting back together."

Jackie smiled, running her hands up and down his back, her fingertips on either side of his spine. "Of course not," she answered, though she noted the hesitation in his voice and his eyes. She slid her tongue slowly across her top lip, just the tip of it, just enough, and watched his eyes trail its movement. "That would be stupid."

He nodded, his eyes on her mouth. "Very stupid." His right hand glided up her back and settled underneath the soft curtain of her hair, on her neck. Perfect to guide her head to his, which he did. "But you know," he said huskily, now his eyes lost in hers. "We don't have to be together to make out."

She arched an eyebrow. "True," she whispered, her heart now gone to the races. "It didn't stop us before...that summer..."

He smiled. "That was one hot summer."

"Yeah, it was..."

He kissed her, she kissed him, hard, with so many pent up emotions; hurt, rage, pain, love, lust, agony...His hands, her hands roamed restlessly, searching the other's body for pleasure, for closure, for whatever was still between them.

They stumbled towards the bed, and Hyde pushed her down, still kissing her wildly as he pressed himself down to her.

And then the phone rang.

Hyde lifted up, glaring at the phone and panting. "Who the hell is that?"

Jackie, breathing just as hard as he was, smiled sheepishly. "Probably Donna. I called her a little while ago..."

"Damn it," he muttered, rolling off of Jackie and staring at the ceiling. "Why'd you do that?"

She glared at him playfully. "Well, I wasn't exactly expecting you to bring me roses. I wanted to bitch about you." She leaned over and picked up the phone. "Hello?"

Hyde looked over at her and grinned. He sat up and moved to sit behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist, and began peppering her neck with tiny kisses.

Jackie tried to listen to Donna, but found it difficult because of Steven's tickling ministrations. "Uh...uh yeah, I mean...no, everything is all right..." She shook her head, her eyes closing and the laughter unable to stay in her belly. "Steven, stop!"

In response, he blew a raspberry on her neck, propelling her into gales of laughter during which she dropped the phone.

"STEVEN!"

She stood up, her hands on her hips, but laughing hysterically, her face bright red.

He grinned and nodded.

Yeah. He'd missed this.

_I'm losing you _

_The next morning _

Hyde whistled as he left the bathroom. True, they hadn't had sex, but they'd made out some. And damn, Jackie's kisses, her touches were just as amazing as he remembered. Just as always, it had put him in a really good mood. He was hoping that he could convince her to go a little further today. Not that he wanted to get back together or anything. Not that he was sure of anything at this point, except for the fact that he really, really wanted to spend time kissing her.

She sat on the edge of the bed looking pale, and he raised an eyebrow. "What's up?" he asked. "You okay?"

She avoided his eyes. "Michael just called."

Hyde walked over to his suitcase and pulled out a tee shirt. "So?"

"He wanted something."

He put on his tee shirt. ACDC. "Yeah? What's that?" He headed towards the night stand on his side of the bed and picked up his sunglasses. She still wasn't looking at him, and in fact, as he put his shades on, she walked to the window and faced it, apparently finding something outside extraordinarily fascinating. "Jackie, what did he want?"

"He wants to come to New York to take me home. He heard us laughing last night...he was at the basement when Donna called. He thinks you're going to hurt me."

Hyde froze, his stomach dropping.

He had the oddest feeling he knew what was coming.

"He wants to get back together with me."

She turned, and this time her eyes locked on his.

He looked away. "And what about you? Do you want to get back together with him?"

The longest pause ever.

When she answered, her voice was the smallest he'd ever heard it.

"I don't know."


	9. I'm Losing You Reprise

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Author's Note:** Thanks so much for the reviews! I can't tell you enough how very much I appreciate them. Now, I know the Kelso thing came out of the blue, and I'm sure some of you don't buy it. That's fair. I hope the context you'll get in this chapter will clear things up, and if not, well, I've failed. :) I hope you're enjoying this story...and keep the faith!

**Warning: **Language

**Imagine **

**I'm Losing You (Reprise) **

_Here in some stranger's room _

Hyde stood in front of room 312 of the Troubadour Hotel, glancing down at the crumpled napkin in his hand, then back at the room door. Fancy place, with plants all over the lobby, leather furnishings, glass tables decked with flowers. He grimaced and his stomach tensed. Flowers. He'd wasted twenty bucks on flowers for a chick who was going back to her imbecile ex. Not that she'd said so. She didn't need to.

She always did.

_Oh yeah, big shot? What about when she picked you over him? Remember that? _

He closed his eyes. Only problem with that thought was that she'd made him wait. She'd used Kelso to make him jealous. Played a sick little game. Probably the same one she was trying to play now. Too bad for her she wasn't going to win. He was. She was going to _hurt_.

And so, he found himself in front of her mother's room, aching with the need to do something brutal to Jackie. This was the most brutal thing he could do, aside from marrying another woman, and he'd already done that. Might as well try something new. He took a bitter breath and knocked on the door, a small smile gracing his lips.

He'd get sex on this trip after all.

The door opened, and Pam Burkhart's surprised eyes peered out at him. "Steven," she said. One of her patented phony smiles curved her red lips, and she opened the door wide. "Have you changed your mind? Oh, you're just in time for breakfast. I ordered up some food...not quite enough for two, but we can order some more, along with some champagne."

He stared at her, but the woman standing in front of him wasn't who he saw.

He saw Jackie.

Jackie crying after her mother returned to Point Place with no excuse for having deserted her daughter. Jackie pacing the Pinciotti living room, mumbling about her bitch of a mother. Jackie moping on his cot after her mother left...for a reason she still hadn't a clue about. And of course, Jackie the other night, watching him flirt with her mother.

He faltered.

This was one line he just couldn't cross. No matter how much she intended on hurting him. No matter how much he wanted to hurt her back.

He just couldn't do it this way. Not with this woman. This empty shell of a human being who put alcohol ahead of her child.

Huh. Kind of like his mother. And he hated his mother.

"No," he said. "I just came to tell you..." He glared at Pam. "You really screwed up your daughter." Anger for Jackie, for himself, made his face heat, his fists clench. If Pam wasn't a chick, he'd kick her ass. Then again, if he stood here much longer, he'd kick her ass, chick or not. "You make me sick." He turned and took a few steps, then smiled wickedly and turned back. "Oh, and by the way. Jackie is a hell of a lot sexier than you. And when we were dancing, all I could think about was getting _her_ into bed."

Pam's shallow gasp made him chuckle, and he walked away feeling pretty good. Jackie would have enjoyed that burn.

Jackie. Kelso. Jackie and Kelso, part one million and five, so to start again.

The noisy and bustling streets of New York, oddly enough, were very conducive to self-reflection, and as Hyde walked along, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his coat, he indulged himself.

Why was his first impulse always to hurt her?

Had he ever loved her?

What did he feel for her now?

Was this really what love was? A never ending game of cat and mouse, of frustration and release? Did Red and Kitty go through this? Donna and Forman? Those were the only two couples he could really say fit the idea - wishy-washy as it was - of love.

He pulled out a cigarette and lit up, just a few blocks away from their hotel. The nicotine burned its way to his lungs, and he sighed in satisfaction. This was good stuff. Smoking was good. Easy, uncomplicated, and it didn't give him a headache.

When he got back to their room, Jackie was gone. He noticed a folded piece of paper on top of the television set, and quickly plucked it up. It was from Jackie. She'd gone to Central Park to hang out with Willow.

And she'd told Kelso no.

He sat down on the edge of the bed. Their bed. And he stared at the ugly ass carpeting. Red and orange shag. Funny, Jackie hadn't complained about it once. He looked at the note again.

_By the way, Steven, I called Michael and told him we weren't ever getting back together. He wasn't surprised. Are you? _

Hyde fell to his back and stared at the ceiling. Kelso wasn't surprised. She said no. Not ever.

His eyes closed. He wanted to believe her.

Then again, did it matter? If he didn't love her now, if he hadn't loved her then...did any of it matter?

_Somehow the wires have crossed _

Jackie sat on the ground in Central Park, a blanket wrapped around her, both keeping her legs warm and protecting her Jordache jeans from the dead, dirty grass. Willow sat behind her on a bench, and was braiding her hair. It was only fair she should let Willow do it. Willow had listened to the entire, sordid tale that was her relationship with Steven.

She stared off into the distance, looking at the blue sky. It seemed wrong. This kind of day should be decorated in grays, not blues and warm yellows. "So when Michael called this morning, I was already freaked out. I mean, I know Steven was sleeping and didn't hear me, but I told him that I love him!" She closed her eyes, remembering how she'd traced his jaw and whispered it to him, over and over again. "I told Michael about it, and he got upset. He told me that a few months ago, he and Steven were talking and Steven said no one could pay him enough money to _ever_ get back together with me. And then he said he'd come get me, that we could get back together if I wanted to." She rolled her eyes. "He didn't mean it. I mean, Michael is impulsive and immature. He's never liked me and Steven together." She shook her head. "Once, he tried to bribe me away from Steven with a sweater. A sweater. Like that would do it."

Willow smiled, bemused by the chatty girl, and tugged a little bit on the gorgeous hair she worked. "So, you told him no, right?" She finished the braid and patted Jackie's shoulders. "There. I'm done."

Jackie nodded. "Yeah, and he was relieved. I believe his exact words were, 'Thank God, Jackie, because I've got a date with triplets tonight'." She closed her eyes for a moment, and the look on Steven's face, one that was hauntingly similar to the look on his face so long ago when she'd yelled at Annette to get off her boyfriend, filled her mind. "The thing is that when Steven asked me if I was gonna get back together with Michael, I said that I didn't know." She sighed heavily, and tears misted her eyes. She stood up, kicking the blanket off of her body and began to pace.

Willow watched her, still smiling slightly.

"I was just so scared, you know? I mean, I just realized that I still love him, and it's so...I've never felt this way about anyone before, and he broke my heart, Willow." She turned and stared at her new friend. "He took it in his hands, tore it into a million times, threw it on the ground and then stomped on each and every piece of it until it was nothing but dust." She began pacing again. "I don't know what to think. I mean, of course he loves me, look at me! And the way he treated me last night..." She stopped and looked again at Willow, her shoulders drooping. "Then again, the way he treated me the night before, with my mom, and what if Michael's right, that all Steven really wants to do is hurt me?" She sat back down and lay her head on Willow's knee. She tried to keep the tears inside, gasping slightly for breath and strength enough to do so. "I don't know what to do. I love him, but he's so...I don't know if he even wants love anymore. I don't know if...I just can't go through what he put me through again."

Her eyes closed, and she remembered the sweetness of his kisses last night.

Loving Steven Hyde wasn't easy at all, she'd learned that the hard way. Loving him from afar was hell, and yet, nothing even remotely as painful as loving him up close and personal and having him tear and stab and kill it.

"I just need to know," she muttered. "If there's even a chance...if he's even interested in..." She gasped and sat up, her eyes wide, and she looked at Willow. Steven enjoyed philosophical discussions, and so did Willow and her friends. Maybe there was a way she could use that. "Willow! I need you to do me a favor. A HUGE favor!"

Willow grinned. "What?"

Jackie got up and sat next to Willow on the bench, her blood and body pumping adrenaline and energy. "Start up a discussion about love," she explained. "And just kind of feel Steven out...what his opinion is, if he's ever been in love before, if he wants to be again...that kind of thing." She clapped and smiled. "Yes! That's perfect!"

Willow furrowed her brow and spoke cautiously. "Jackie, I don't know. I mean, I know I just met Hyde, but he doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who enjoys talking."

Jackie waved her hand. "Oh, that. That's just his stupid Zen. All you have to do is get him worked up about something." She grinned. "I got really good at destroying it."

Willow sighed, but smiled. "Are you sure you want this? What if he says something you don't want to hear?"

Jackie lifted a shoulder. "Then at least I'll know." She raised an eyebrow. "So...will you help me?" Willow didn't react for a moment, and Jackie decided to pull out the big guns. She pouted. "Please?"

Willow laughed and rolled her head. "Fine, fine, I'll do it." She looked at Jackie admiringly. "You're really cute, Jackie." She reached out and took Jackie's hand.

Jackie stared at Willow, not quite sure of what to make of Willow's words and the look on her face. _She can't be checking me out. I mean, I know that I'm beautiful, but she can't be...oh, who cares, Jackie! She's your friend. And she's gonna help you. _She smiled brightly and tugged Willow to her feet. "I know I am," she said. "Now come on!"

_Communication's lost _

Hyde leaned against the tree that had quickly become his favorite, arms crossed over his chest, waiting for Jackie. She was walking towards him slowly, chewing lightly on her lower lip. He sighed and looked away. Shouldn't have come here. Should have just stayed at the hotel room and let her sweat it out.

"You got my note."

He didn't look at her. "Yep."

"So...you know that I told Michael no."

He shrugged. Like he cared. Ha. He didn't. Not at all. Not even the tiniest bit.

She drew closer, and he sighed, closing his eyes for a moment and trying his best to block out her sweet scent. When she touched his arm, he swallowed. _Damn it, why does she have to touch me? _Yet he didn't pull away.

"Steven, look. I never actually considered getting back together with Michael."

He did his best to remain impassive. "None of my business." She looked annoyed, and he sighed. "Look, I just think that you can do better than Kelso. That's all."

She smiled, and he cringed. It was that knowing smile of hers, the one that meant she thought she knew a secret. He grimaced. "That's _all,_ Jackie."

"Okay, Steven. And just so you know, I know that I can do better than Michael." She stepped closer to him, and he hoped the breath he quickly inhaled didn't sound as loud to her as it had to him. "I know that because of you, you know."

Hyde looked away, ignoring the sudden influx of heat to his chest. "Yeah, well..." He cleared his throat and turned back to her, meeting her eyes. "You know, I'm glad Donna called last night when she did. Stopped us from doing something stupid." Looking down at the brown, dead grass, he shuffled his foot. "It's not that summer anymore." That summer. Seemed so damn long ago, when they could make out without any complications. Now...there wasn't anything but complications. It was definitely winter. For the season, and for them.

He heard her breath catch, at the exact moment the warmth in his chest turned cold.

"No...it...it's not."

"Jackie! Hyde! Come on!"

Hyde looked at Jackie, and she smiled sadly. "You wanna go over there? I think Shawn's got some film." He didn't answer, and she shrugged. "I'm gonna go."

He watched her for a moment, her tiny body retreating from him. It was so easy for her to physically walk away from him. Why in the hell couldn't she do the same thing in the way he really wanted her to? To give up on him, forever. To turn and walk away. To leave him behind and just forget they'd ever been together.

He followed, and noticed that she went straight to Shawn. The bastard grinned at her like nothing had happened yesterday, and Hyde's jaw tensed.

And why in the hell wasn't he as sure as he should be that he really wanted her to give up on him?

_Well, here in the valley of indecision _

"Love is needing to be loved."

Hyde rolled his eyes as Jackie smiled sweetly at Shawn. He'd come up with a guitar and had managed to impress her by playing her favorite Lennon song. And singing it. What a pussy. Heh. Willow obviously hit both ways; Shawn probably did too. In fact, Shawn seemed a lot like Fez. Maybe Shawn was still in his denial stage and was actually just a woman's in something that vaguely resembled a man's body. He took another hit off the joint being passed around.

It wasn't helping. That freaking song. Jackie's freaking eyes and smile. All directed towards that idiot who could hardly manage to play the right chords.

"You know, I read somewhere that John Lennon said that all the love songs he wrote were about Yoko." Willow smiled dreamily. "He loved her so much. Isn't that amazing? I mean, to be that inspired by someone you just have to express it in music...can you imagine feeling that way about another person?"

Hyde rolled his eyes.

"Hyde? What do you think?"

He met Willow's eyes. "Love, if it even really exists, is for people who are too scared to be alone." He noticed that Jackie had gone quiet, was looking at him and chewing lightly on her bottom lip.

"I disagree." Shawn glanced at Jackie, then at Hyde. "Love is for those courageous enough to risk themselves for another person." He looked back at Jackie and gave her a sickeningly sweet smile. "I'm willing to do that. The reward is amazing."

Hyde snorted. "You think like a fucking chick, man." He stared at the guy, his pulse suddenly driving hard in his neck.

"What, so in order to be a man, like I suppose you think you are, I have to be bitter and treat girls like shit?" Shawn again glanced at Jackie. "The way _you_ do?"

"Shawn, just don't." Jackie sounded upset, like she'd done something wrong.

Hyde swallowed hard, his gut spinning harder and faster. That asshole was looking for a bloody nose, and was gonna get it come one more crack like that. "You don't know a god damn thing about me, okay?" _Despite what Jackie's told you, you don't know a god damn thing. Because she fucking doesn't. _

"Okay, okay, but we want to," Willow interjected, her voice soothing. "So, tell us, Hyde. Have you ever been in love before?"

He glared at her. "Why would I tell you that?"

Willow took his acidic tone in stride and smiled. "I don't know. I'm just curious. I dated a guy who was a lot like you once." She took a quick glance at Jackie. "I'm just curious."

Hyde looked at his ex-girlfriend and found her gaze lowered to her lap. He was being set up. She'd convinced Willow, probably with that damn pout of hers - which he had a feeling would work on Willow the way it always worked on him - to feel him up for the information she wanted. He sighed, shook his head and looked away.

Maybe if he told her the truth, she'd stop digging, stop chasing.

Yeah. She would. And he'd be able to find some peace.

He cleared his throat. "You want the truth?"

Willow nodded, her eyes lighting up a bit.

He wanted to look directly at Jackie, but couldn't, though he knew she was looking at him now. He knew what she wanted to hear. He took a deep breath and shrugged, looking away at the city scape around them. "The truth is that I don't know if I have or not."

For a long moment, no one said anything, and Hyde kept looking away from the group, towards the skyscrapers that made tall, imposing lines of metal in the blue sky.

Funny, he felt just as crappy now that he'd actually said it as he had when the thought first occurred to him.

"What, you mean didn't find true love with that whorey stripper you married?"

Hyde looked back, and Jackie was standing up. He squinted up at her flushed but hard, cold expression, her eyes shining, and he was sure it was with tears. There was only one thing he could think of to do.

He shrugged.

"You married a stripper?"

"Shut _up_, Shawn!"

Jackie stalked off, her small legs carrying her surprisingly quickly, and Willow, with a withering look to him, took off after her.

Hyde looked down at the ground and picked a piece of grass. He studied it. Fascinating. Grass. Not fully brown, hardly at all green.

Yeah.

Peace.


	10. I'm Losing You Part 3

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Author's Note: **I was inspired today. Actually, this was all supposed to be in one chapter, but it was too long, so I separated it. I'll be taking a bit of a break from writing, but not too long. Just until I catch up at work a little bit. Thank you so much for the reviews, and I'm really hoping that you're trusting me. I'll do you right, I promise.

**Warning:** Language

**Imagine**

**I'm Losing You (Part 3)**

_I feel you slipping away _

The day was brilliantly bright, and even the air felt thick and warm with sunshine. Yet as she walked through the park, her arm linked through Willow's, Jackie shivered. She watched the trees as they moved, the tops waving gently in the breeeze. _Dancing. Like Willow said, the trees dance. _Such a thought should put a smile on her face. Instead, she frowned. "I don't get it," she snapped, glaring at the stupid dancing leaves that had no idea what pain or heartache was like. "He told me he loved me. And now he says he doesn't know?" She looked at Willow, who was gazing at her with sympathetic eyes. She sighed, the anger abated somewhat from the kinship Willow was so easily showing her. "It's just that for the past year, the Steven that I knew - thought I knew- , well, he disappeared. I mean, he was such a different person after that whore showed up. Since we got to New York, he's been...almost like the old Steven, the one I thought loved me."

She stopped walking, her throat constricting with tears. Willow put her arms around her, and Jackie gratefully leaned into the hug. Her head on Willow's shoulder, she allowed a few tears to tumble. "Now he says he doesn't even know if he loved me. I lost him when Sam showed up, and now I'm losing him again." She began to sob.

Willow stroked her back gently, and spoke even more so. "I know you still care for him, Jackie, but maybe..." She hesitated, as if she didn't want to hurt the fragile tiny one she held. "Some people would tell you that you should give up on Hyde."

Jackie took a deep, shuddering breath and forced herself to stop sobbing. She lifted her head and smiled sadly at Willow. "I should," she agreed, though her stomach lurched in violent reaction to the mere idea. "I'm just not sure I can. I love him so much, and he has these moments when he's so sweet." She lifted a shoulder. "He gave me roses last night. Two dozen. He's never given me roses before." Her face crumbled, just as her body did, and she fell to her rear end on the cold pavement. "How can I forget that?"

Forgetting that she was in public, she raised her knees and lowered her head to them. She rocked like a child until Willow's arms again enveloped her. She drew away and looked at her new friend. She was pretty, in a willowy sort of way, a plain sort of way, and for some reason, Jackie wanted to give her a make over. She wanted to spend time with her, have sleep overs, gossip all night and tell her deepest secrets. She wanted to take Willow home with her, show her to Donna. Show Donna what a true best friend should do. Funny how she felt so connected to this girl. "I've never felt this way about a guy before, Willow," she whispered. "And I don't think I ever will."

Willow brushed a lock of hair that had fallen from the braid off Jackie's face and smiled soothingly. "Have you ever considered trying women?"

Jackie stared at Willow, her mouth open, but when Willow winked, she burst out laughing. "Oh god...Willow!" She swatted at her, and the two giggled together for nearly a full minute.

When it faded, Willow sighed and took Jackie's hand. "Okay, seriously, Jackie. I think...you know, I've seen how Hyde looks at you." She arched an eyebrow. "And I've seen how he looks at Shawn when he's flirting with you, too." She wiped glistening tears off Jackie's cheek. "I think he's confused. Maybe you should give him some time to figure things out."

Jackie pouted, but her eyes dried, her stomach lost the knots. A little comfort, a little quiet advice...it was nice. "But I want him to figure things out now," she said. She smiled and put her head on Willow's shoulder. "Thank you, Willow. You...you've been such a good friend to me." She closed her eyes. "Better than my so called best friend has lately." She lifted her head up and gasped, yet another idea coming to her. "You should move to Point Place!"

Willow laughed and patted Jackie's cheek. "We'll see, Jackie. Now come on. Let's go find some chocolate. Nothing soothes a broken heart like chocolate."

As the girls stood up, Jackie gasped again, this time in realization. "So that explains it! All the fat girls in the world are just broken hearted!" She shook her head and grimaced. "There must be a LOT of jerky, stripper-marrying, insensitive, lying, cheating, mom-wanting men in the world!"

Willow nodded and tucked Jackie's arm in hers. "Yes, there are, which is why you really should try women." She winked again, and Jackie laughed, elbowing her lightly. "Lets go."

_What am I doing here at all? _

That evening

Hyde sat in the uncomfortable diner booth and watched Jackie push her food around on her plate. Since she'd burned him with the bitter question about Sam, she hadn't said much to him, had hardly looked at him, had avoiding any possibility of a touch between them. And when he'd suggested Bobo's Diner for dinner, she'd given him a limp nod when normally she'd complain about the greasy food just before devouring it.

Whatever. So she was upset. She'd get over it, with a little time. She'd gotten over him before, moved on to Fez. She'd do it again.

Besides, he should be enjoying the quiet. He'd been listening to the other conversations going on around him, soaking in a little New York flavor.

He shifted in his seat and looked at her again, the food on his own plate not as appetizing as it should be. "So." He leaned back, tapping the end of his fork quietly against the table. "I..." He grinned. "I think Willow's got a thing for you."

She didn't look up, continued her inspection of her full plate. "Who could blame her."

Typical Jackie remark, but without the vibrancy. Hyde tried again. "You gonna take her up on it? 'Cause that would be pretty hot."

No reaction at all. Not one freaking word. Not even a damn shrug.

He looked up at the ceiling, then back at her. "Is this about what I said at the park?"

_Duh, you moron! _

"You told me you loved me, Steven. In case you don't remember."

Her eyes were still on her plate, and the combination of the slow movements she made over it with her spoon with the quietness, the lowness of her voice shot what felt like a dart through the center of his chest. He leaned forward. "I thought I did, Jackie." He looked away. "Now...I just...I don't know, okay? Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Maybe I loved Sam. Maybe I didn't."

Her head shot up, and teary eyes stared at him. "Don't talk about her!"

He nodded, looking down at the table. That was stupid. "Sorry." He sighed. "Look, does it really matter? It's over now."

Again, she stared at her plate, but this time a smile painted her lips, one of those smiles used to hide hurt, to hide tears. He noticed her chest rising and falling sharply. "Fine. I guess it doesn't matter."

He rolled his eyes. This was going nowhere. "Okay, fine. Are you so sure you really loved me? How did you know you loved me?"

She looked up, and their eyes met. For a moment, he saw the familiar flash of Jackie in them, that stubborn, persistent, never-say-die, dynamite, volatile passion her small body somehow managed to contain. But only for a moment. As her mouth opened, the word that formed choked off, and the Jackie in her eyes faded.

"Maybe I'm not so sure I really did either." She stood up, not looking at him. "I'm done. I want to go back to the hotel, so pay the bill. I'll pay you back later."

He frowned as she stalked off towards the ladies' room.

What the hell? No. Of course she'd loved him. She told him everyday. Of course she had. She'd practically force fed it to him each and every time he saw her.

The food he'd managed to eat threatened to come back up, and nausea settled in his middle. His head began to throb at the temples.

She'd loved him.

Unless...she hadn't.

_I'm losing you _

"I'm going for a walk."

Hyde looked up from the book he was reading, saw Jackie standing at the room door, bundled up in her coat. He raised an eyebrow. "Jackie, it's dark out."

She glared at him and put her hand on her hip. "So?"

He sighed, tossed his book to the nightstand, and rolled off the bed and to his feet. "So, it's New York and it's dark. You're a girl."

With a put-upon sounding sigh, she tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Well, duh, Steven. It's great to see you've mastered the obvious."

He rolled his eyes and grabbed his coat of the back of the desk chair. "Fine. You want to go for a walk, we'll go for a walk."

She held up a hand. "I wanna go alone."

He snickered. "Yeah. Not gonna happen, doll."

"Don't call me doll!" She lurched forward, and kicked his right shin, then his left shin. Then his right, then his left. And she screamed. "DON'T CALL ME DOLL!"

The sharp pain spread quickly up his legs, and he fell backwards to the bed. "Fuck, Jackie!" He winced, his eyes closing, but the millions of tiny knives stabbing up and down both shins didn't disappear. The door slammed closed, and he groaned, opening his eyes. "Fuck!"

He got up and hobbled after her, leaving his coat where he'd dropped it on the floor. On his way out of the room, he didn't bother to make sure the door was closed. Hell, at this point he didn't care if all his stuff was taken, or hers for that matter. When he got outside, he could see her, and luckily, the pain was finally subsiding. He was tempted to catch up to her, but instead, kept just far enough back to keep her in his sight, about fifty feet behind her. He doubted she even sensed him. And that was a good thing.

She needed to cool off. Chill. Stop being such a baby about the whole thing.

_Yeah. Unlike you, Hyde. Since she said she wasn't sure she loved her you've been sulking just like she is. Cussing her out in your head like she probably is. You even punched the hell out of your fucking pillow when she went to get a soda. Right. You're handling it oh so well, Hyde. _

As she reached the opening of an alley, a guy jumped out and grabbed Jackie's purse. She screamed, and he immediately started to run. But as he did, ready to come to her rescue, ready to beat the living shit out of the guy, his eyes on her, she fought the mugger. She put her hands on the guy's shoulders and pushed him back into the wall of the building behind them. Just as Hyde came to them, Jackie lifted her knee and thrust it hard into the guy's groin, all the while screaming nonsensical cusses at him.

The guy yelped like a wounded animal and slipped to the ground, releasing Jackie's purse. Jackie backed away from him, panting and crying, and Hyde quickly grabbed her purse, taking the time to kick the man when he was down. Hard. Right in the groin.

And again. Again, again, again, breathing harder and harder, more and more energy into the kicks until Jackie pulled him back.

"Steven...Steven..."

He turned, panting and flushed, the sounds of the guy's girlish whimpers filling his ears. "What?"

"Steve...Steven..."

She was shivering. He glanced over his shoulder; the guy was still on the ground. He turned back and reached for her, pulling her shoulders into him and turning her back in the direction of the hotel. "Come on."

He walked her quickly, ignoring her little squeaks of protests, until they were far enough from the asshole. With one last glance over his shoulder, he slowed, and she stopped. He stood in front of her and put his hands on her shoulders, peering into her eyes. "Are you okay?" He grinned. "That was pretty badass, Jackie."

She smiled, the fear in her face fading, and a little of the Jackie pride gleaming in her eyes under the street light. "I know. I'm so good." And then her face broke, the fear was back, and she stumbled into him. "Steven!" Her arms circled him and held tight.

He sighed and put his own arms around her. "It's okay, Jackie. It's okay."

And for a moment, holding her, feeling her shaking relieved just from his presence, he wondered if maybe they would.

Then she pulled back. Her eyes avoided his, she quickly escaped his touch. "I'm cold. Lets go back, okay?"

He watched her walk away from him, and anger burst up into his mouth. "You know, I think you were right. I don't think you really loved me," he called bitterly.

She turned, and this time her eyes met his.

This time, she didn't look mad or sad. Just exhausted and defeated.

"Fine." She shook her head, spread her hands. "You can believe that if you want to. If it makes it easier for you. Believe that."

He stood still.

And now he was cold, too.

_Just put a band-aid on it _

Late that night, Jackie lay next to her ex-boyfriend feeling battered and shaken, and sickeningly, longing to be in his arms. Things were just so wrong between them, for whatever the reason. She frowned at the darkness above her. How could he say that he hadn't loved her? Was it because of the whole Michael thing? Was he just being defensive again, hurting her before she hurt him the way he always did? "Steven?"

He shifted on the bed. "Yeah?"

She rolled her head towards him. He, like she did, lay on his back and stared up at the ceiling. "I just...I want you to know the reason I told you I didn't know if I'd go back to Michael or not."

For a long moment, he didn't answer. She'd almost given up, when he cleared his throat. "What is it?"

She sighed and looked back up at the ceiling, seeing only a few dots of lights peeping in from the imperfections of the window curtains. "Last night...when we were kissing, I just...I realized something." She swallowed hard. "I realized that I still love you, and that I'm not over you, and I thought...when you were kissing me, I thought maybe you felt that way too, and I got scared. Michael told me that you were only going to hurt me, and I thought..." She smiled. Ironic. Michael had been right. "I was scared he was right, and...I never really considered going back to Michael, Steven. I just...I was scared." She chuckled softly. "I deserve better than Michael. You taught me that."

Nothing but silence, and she nearly choked on the pain. She turned her head completely away from him and closed her eyes. More tears. Of course.

"I always want to hurt you."

She whipped her head around to him, and in the very dim light, she could see the outline of his face. His beautiful face, especially now that the moustache was gone. He was so handsome, so hot, and though he talked a big game, she knew he didn't quite realize it. "What?"

He didn't look at her. "Whenever we have a fight, or you piss me off, the first thing I wanna do is hurt you." Now he looked at her, though she couldn't see his eyes. She could sense them. "This morning I went to your mom's hotel."

Part of her died. A huge part of her, and though she was lying down, she became dizzy. "Oh..."

"No. Nothing happened. I couldn't do anything. But...god, Jackie, I always do crap like that. How is that love? How can I love you and willingly hurt you? I kept Sam around to hurt you. I cheated on you with the nurse to hurt you. How is that love?"

Tears filled her eyes, and her stomach began to sink, heading towards the bottom of her feet. She rolled her head and looked at the ceiling, a tear streaming down her cheek. He was speaking so calmly, so remotely, and yet gently. And the truth was, he was speaking questions she'd asked herself, too.

"And it's not just me, Jackie. You do the same to me. Always bringing Kelso into the picture, telling me what he would have done. Making dates with him like that stupid dinner party. Accepting his presents. Having him naked in your hotel room." He paused. "That just doesn't seem like love to me, Jackie." His voice cracked. "I'm sorry."

She sat up, the tears raining now, and she nodded. He was right. The way he summed it up, he was absolutely right. "So..." Her voice broke. "Maybe we weren't really in love after all."

It burned from her chest to her toes, and from her neck up, all she felt was spinning. Had it all been nothing? Could two people hurt each other so damn much and still love each other?

_No. No. Not at all. _

Was love supposed to hurt so damn much?

He touched her back, planting his large hand on the small of it. "Jackie, come here."

She did. She lay her head on his chest and nestled her body to his. Underneath her ear, she listened to his heart. His hand stroked her hair. "Just...Steven, why did you stay with me for two years?"

She thought his heart skipped a beat.

"I didn't say I felt nothing for you, Jackie."

She nodded, her tears falling to his naked skin. She touched her fingertip to one and pressed it into his chest, wondering if he could feel it, hoping he could, hoping he knew. "So it wasn't nothing? I wasn't nothing to you?"

His hand cupped her head. "You were definitely something, Jackie. I just...I can't say that it was..." He couldn't finish the sentence, and she turned away from him, rolling onto her side and sobbing.

"Jackie."

She didn't fight him when he spooned her.

Why bother?

After awhile, she spoke. "I don't want to talk about our relationship anymore, Steven. Ever." He didn't say anything, and she wondered if he was asleep. His hands tightened on her stomach, though, so she knew he'd heard her. "You're right. It's over, and it doesn't matter. Lets just..." She took a breath. "Let's just work on getting along, okay? That's what this trip should be about."

She held her breath, not sure how she wanted him to react.

"Whatever, Jackie."

She winced. He'd said it softly, with no edge, and yet his stupid Zen still hurt. She turned her face into her pillow and cried.

_I'm losing you _

She slept, and Hyde stood at the window, staring out at the night. It was raining, and he watched puddles form on the parking lot under the area lights.

He ached. Head to toe. Front to back.

This was what he'd wanted. He'd finally lost her. And he hadn't even had to screw her bitch of a mother. He'd done it all on his own.

Someone, a man, shuffled through the parking lot just a few feet outside their room. He was wearing what looked to be every article of clothing that he owned, and he carried a few ragged looking bags over his shoulder. Obviously a homeless man. As if he felt Hyde's eyes on him, the man stopped and looked at him. Dirty face, out of control beard. The man raised the beer he held in his hand and smiled, toothless.

Hyde closed the curtains and turned away, his heart beating fast.

He closed his eyes.

Why wasn't he happy? She was surely going to leave him alone now.

Why wasn't he relieved? She wasn't going to try to get under his skin anymore.

He sank down into the chair, his eyes still closed.

He'd lost her. Exactly what he'd wanted to do.

His head fell back to the back of the chair. He must be a masochist, because this felt like complete and utter shit.


	11. Scared

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Author's Note:** Thanks for the patience! I'm going to try hard to be better at updating...work is in a really bad state right now, but hey. Writing is good for relieving stress. And thank you even MORE for the reviews! I love them! Hope you're enjoying the story...keep reading!

**Warning: **Language. You know Hyde.

**Imagine**

**Scared**

_And the price I paid _

The coffee he'd gotten in the hotel lobby was tepid, and as he sat at the table in their room, Hyde pushed it away, shaking his head and glaring at it as if it had caused all his problems. Bad coffee was worse than none at all. It was just too bad that in his mood this morning, coffee was about the only thing that could possibly help. His eyes closed and he winced. Damned headache. Damned Jackie. Damned life.

The bathroom door opened, but he didn't turn to look, though his eyes opened. Why bother? She'd hardly spoken to him in the hour that they'd been awake. He stared out at New York, or the tiny, rather dirty slice of it he was currently privy to.

"I'm going to Central Park, and then Willow wants us all to go to the Empire State Building. Do you want to go?"

He shrugged. Didn't feel like talking. Didn't really feel like going to Central Park or the freaking Empire State Building, but he knew he would.

"Steven."

Her hand touched his shoulder, and he stiffened. Her damned touch. So freaking warm when all he wanted to do was stay cold. Cold was better. Cold didn't burn. "_What_, Jackie?" He heard soft footsteps away from him, heard the oily squeak of bedsprings, and half hating himself, he turned to look at her. She sat, her eyes focused on him, her normally lively face muted with something. Regret, pain, sadness, a mixture; he wasn't quite sure. "What, Jackie?" he repeated, qentler this time.

She sighed and pressed her lips together. Her legs, unfortunately covered in jeans today, crossed, and tightly clasped, tiny hand rested restlessly on her knee. "I know you're not sure of how you feel..._felt_ about me. But..." A deep breath, one that hissed shallowness. "I know that I loved you. I know that Istill love you." She smiled, her eyes raising to the ceiling and her head shaking. "I probably always will. But..."

Hyde arched an eyebrow.

She sat up straight, brushed black waves of hair off her shoulder. She seemed to grow taller right then and there. "I know you don't feel the same, so..."

He rolled his eyes. "I thought you said you didn't want to talk about our relationship." Because he sure as hell didn't. All it got him was more confusion. Right now, up from down was a coin-toss. And forget right from left.

She nodded. "I know. I just need you to know that I'm moving on. Now." She took another breath. "Tonight."

Outwardly, Hyde didn't move, didn't even blink, as if her words didn't faze him. And that seemed to faze her. She stood and walked to the dresser, turning to the mirror and fussing with her shirt. "The other day he asked me if I'd go to a disco with him. I told him no, but..."

Inside, his stomach tumbled like a boulder breaking free from a mountain. Along the way, its edges became sharp, and as it continued to plummet, scraped his gut raw.

"I'm going to see if the offer's still good."

It was just another game. Her way to punish him had always been this way, to make him jealous. _I should be used to it. I should be fucking used to it. _He closed his eyes. Damn it, now he wanted to puke. The thought of that fruitcake with his hands all over her...

"And Steven."

She turned to him, and he stared, almost awed by her. She'd turned back to face him, and her confidence was back. Her eyes slit into him. She wasn't smiling, wasn't frowning, but her face was set in determination. She looked beautiful. Jackie-ish. That stupid Jackie magic she was always yapping about.

His heart, stuck at the bottom of his belly, flip-flopped.

"Don't you dare pull any of your stupid jealous crap." She huffed and headed for the door, grabbing her jacket.

That stirred his anger, and he stood up. "Hey. I am NOT jealous, Jackie. You and that...that...Fez wannabe can do whatever the hell you want." Blood rushed to his head, filling his cheeks, and making him even angrier. He tightened his fists. Fuck, he wanted to punch something. Someone. That asshole. Heh. Shawn's face would look a hell of a lot better after meeting his fists a few dozen times.

Jackie smiled sarcastically. "You see? That's exactly what I'm talking about. All those snide little remarks." She softened, her shoulders lowering, her expression relaxing, her voice lowering. "You don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me, either. It's not fair, Steven."

Before he could respond, she left.

He shook his head. Whatever. She was ridiculous. _What do I care if anyone else has her or not? _

His foot began tapping, fast and furiously, and he glared down at it. "Fuck," he mumbled, getting to his feet and following her out the door.

_Hatred and jealousy, gonna be the death of me _

His last pack of cigarettes was almost gone, only two left, and Hyde rolled his eyes. Figures. Of course, the past half hour he'd spent chain smoking, sitting against his tree and pretending not to watch Jackie and that bastard flirting away. That bastard's hands all over her. Fucking idiot thought he had the right to...

He lit up another cigarette and took a drag. Didn't help. Fuck. She'd even ruined nicotine for him. Even so, he took another drag. _You don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me, either. _As he watched her grinning and playfully tugging on Shawn's stupid beaded necklace, a sharp pain pierced his chest and immediately spread.

_She's right. Sort of. I don't know that I don't want her...I don't know that I do want her. At least not the way she wants me to want her. _

"Hey Hyde."

He glanced up and exhaled smoke. "Willow." She had Shawn's guitar, and was giving him a knowing smile that was going to irritate him in about three seconds.

She sat down next to him. "So." She looked towards Jackie and Shawn. "Shawn really likes her."

Hyde didn't say a word and took another unsatisfactory taste of his cigarette, then tossed it away. Shawn picked Jackie up, and her laughter carried, burned his ears.

"Jackie's really beautiful, isn't she?"

He looked at her and gave her a grin. "You know that Jackie's never gonna go for chicks, don't you?" It was kind of amusing, Willow's crush on Jackie. A hopeless cause, something bound and destined to go nowhere. Weird how that didn't seem to bother Willow. Hopeless causes were just that, hopeless, and not worth any energy. Why fight a battle you can't win?

Willow laughed and nodded. "Oh, I know. It doesn't bother me. Being around her is enough." She raised an eyebrow. "It's kind of funny that it doesn't bother you that _I_ like her."

He shrugged and tossed the half-smoked cigarette away. "Why would it bother me? She isn't going to do anything with..." He cut himself off as Willow's eyes brightened and she smiled. Damn it. Fucking women and their traps. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the tree.

"No, she isn't going to do anything with me. But she might with Shawn, right?"

His fingertips pressed into his thighs.

"You know what she reminds me of?"

Willow strummed a few chords, and Hyde rolled his head to glare at her. "If you say an angel, I'm gonna have to frog you, chick or not." He snorted. "I know better."

"No. I was going to say a butterfly. You know, beautiful and delicate. Strong, but vulnerable."

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw her staring at him, and he knew a lecture was coming.

"You really hurt her, Hyde."

Hyde raised his head and glared at her. "Yeah, I know that," he snapped edgily. "But you know what? It's better that she know the truth then keep hoping for some fairy tale, happily ever after that's never gonna happen for us." He looked back at Jackie, just in time to catch her looking back at him. Shawn wasn't all over her for once, and she gave him a slight smile. _God, she really is beautiful._ He lifted his chin to her.

"You know, John Lennon left Yoko for awhile. For two years, I think. He was with another woman, but he couldn't get Yoko out of his system. They got back together and were more in love than ever. He called it the Lost Weekend."

Hyde didn't bother glaring at her. "What's your point, Willow?"

He heard the smile in her voice. "Nothing. Just thought you'd be interested to know that."

She stood, and the tension in his hand relaxed. Good. Maybe she was finally going to leave him the hell alone.

"You look at her a lot, Hyde."

He rolled his eyes. "So?" Hell, he'd never said she wasn't gorgeous.

"So, if you really think it's hopeless, you need to stop. You need to let her go."

He snorted again. "I did let her go." Of course he'd let her go. The second he'd let Sam stay, he'd let Jackie go.

And yet, his eyes stayed on Jackie. She was sitting now, smiling at something one of the other hippy chicks was saying. The sunlight danced in her hair, spurts of copper playing wildly in the raven of her hair. She tossed it, and it shimmered. God, that hair. So soft and warm at times, at other times the perfect coolness for his overheated chest.

_Fuck! What the hell am I thinking? _

"No. You haven't. And it hurts her, Hyde, because she still has hope even though she told you she's moving on."

Now he looked at her. Scalding moisture lined his throat.

She smiled. "Just thought you should know."

She walked away, towards Jackie and Shawn, and Hyde shook his head. He pulled his last cigarette out and lit it. Purposefully, he looked at everything but Jackie. The trees. Too boring. Dead. No leaves, nothing, just dead wood. The grass. Brown and dead. Dead. Everything was dead. A couple dogs playing with their owners. Too wiggly.

A pigeon walking along the sidewalk.

A frisbee soaring through the air.

Jackie.

He groaned and closed his eyes. Willow was wrong. He'd let her go a long time ago. He had. He had.

Of course he had.

_I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared _

At the Empire State building, Willow noticed that Hyde was hanging back, not going to the edge of the observatory deck to take in the breathtaking view. She looked at Jackie. "Why isn't Hyde coming up here?"

Jackie looked over her shoulder, and a sweet smile crossed her lips. Willow noticed the way the mismatched eyes took on a sheen of nostalgic, loving mist, and it both touched her and worried her. "He's afraid of heights. Can you imagine? Tough guy Steven Hyde, afraid of anything?" She stared at Hyde, the corners of her lips turned up, her throat moving with hardly perceptible movements underneath the skin. Glossy eyes. And Willow noticed something.

Every time Hyde looked at Jackie, at least when he didn't think anyone noticed, he had the same look on his face.

"On the flight over here, he was so nervous. He wouldn't admit it, but it made him feel better when I held his hand." Jackie sighed and shook her head, throwing her hands into the air. "Okay, I've GOT to stop doing that, Willow! Remembering sweet things about him! If I keep doing that, I'll never get over him!" She stomped her foot, and Willow chuckled to herself. "And I'm going to, damn it!"

Willow's eyes followed the retreating girl, then she glanced at Hyde again. As usual, he was following Jackie with his eyes, too, and she smiled. Heights weren't the only thing he was scared of.

She approached him. "Don't you want to see the view? It's incredible."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm not much into views."

She almost said something, but bit her tongue. He seemed surly, possibly because just a few dozen feet in front of them, Jackie was resting her head on Shawn's shoulder.

And then, abruptly, Jackie looked back, her eyes instantly finding Hyde.

Willow watched.

For a minute, the two stared at one another. Jackie smiled, and Hyde immediately looked away, releasing a low, quiet sigh, like her smile for him...

Willow nodded. "You're scared of her."

He shook his head, didn't look at her. Instead, he stared up at the sky. "Why would I be scared of a shallow, materialistic, cheerleading bitch?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't you tell me? Better yet, why don't you tell her?"

His head whipped towards her, and even thorough his sunglasses, she could see heat in his eyes. "There's nothing to tell, because I'm not scared of Jackie."

"You are."

She knew that she was treading on dangerous ground; he was standing up straight now, his arms crossed across his chest. Full self-defense mode, and as she'd observed these past few days, when he went into self-defense mode, he was nasty to people. She took a deep breath, prepared for a mocking burn.

Instead, she got a sarcastic question.

"Oh yeah? You know that? What, are you psychic or something?"

She imitated him and gave him a shrug. "Maybe. I'll get back to you after I consult my tarot cards." He shook his head, unamused. He was a hard one, this one. She took a tentative step towards him. "Look, Hyde. The way Jackie loves you..." She hesitated. It might not be in Jackie's best interest to say anything at all, considering the way he treated her, for whatever his reasons.

And then he took his sunglasses off and looked at her. His eyes pleading...

"The way she loves you is nothing to be scared of, Hyde. I hope you'll realize that. And soon."

She held her breath. For a moment, when he looked over at Jackie, when his leg twitched as if to start the path towards her, Willow thought he was finally getting it, or rather, finally allowing himself to get it.

"Whatever." The glasses went back on, and he turned away from her. "I know her a hell of a lot better than you. And I'm not scared of her, okay?"

Jackie came up to them, giving Hyde a slight smile, and Willow watched as he stood up straighter, sucking in a breath.

"Come on, Steven. You have to see the view."

He shook his head, but grinned. "Why?"

Jackie tugged his arms uncrossed and gripped a hand. Willow noted that he didn't fight her touch at all. "Because you've never seen it! And who knows when we'll be back in New York. Come _on_, Steven."

Willow shook her head with a smile as Jackie pouted at him. That pout was magic.

"Please?"

"Oh, fine. Whatever."

As the two walked away, or rather, as Jackie pulled Hyde away, Willow sensed someone behind her. She turned and found Shawn standing there, glowering towards Hyde. She sighed. "Shawn, you do know that she loves him, don't you?"

Shawn shook his head, still staring bullets towards his nemesis. "He doesn't deserve her to."

Willow shrugged. "Everyone deserves to be loved."

His eyes met hers, and she was startled at the anger in them. And the coldness in his voice.

"He doesn't."

_Sing out about love and peace_

"Here."

Hyde, sitting on the ground and leaning up against "his" tree in Central Park. Willow stood there, offering the guitar to him and a smile on her face. Interrupting his sulking. He'd had a few minutes with Jackie at the Empire State Building; had even gotten close enough to smell her perfume. And then Shawn dragged her off. Hadn't returned her. Now they stood a few dozen feet in front of him, and the ass was all over her. Again. "What?"

"I noticed you eying it the other day." She glanced over at Jackie and Shawn. He noticed that Jackie was looking around, apparently bored. "You know, another thing about butterflies is that they're always moving around, always fluttering and flying. It's not right to keep a butterfly trapped in a jar or something." She winked at him. "She looks bored, don't you think?"

She turned and walked away.

And he grinned.

The dullness of Shawn's conversation with his friend Pete - about the horrors of the Vietnam War, for heaven's sake; who talked about war in the middle of the afternoon? - was suddenly broken up by the sweet singing of a guitar. Jackie turned her head, and her mouth fell open when she saw it was Steven playing.

And like a moth drawn irresistibly to a flame, she drifted towards him. Her heart pounded as she recognized the song. Her favorite. Love.

He looked up and grinned. "I'm not gonna sing."

The way he played it was so different than how Shawn had. Steven's arpeggios were smooth and lyrical, a string of breathtaking tone, unlike Shawn's jerky plucking. She smiled and watched his fingers, thick and strong, touching the strings with such gentleness. "I didn't know you played."

He shrugged, his eyes returning to the guitar. "A little bit. Just picked it up this past year."

"And..." Jackie's breath, for a moment, hovered in her chest. "You learned how to play this song?"

He looked up, his gaze mating with hers. "Yep."

She was dizzy. He'd learned this song...her favorite...

"You wanna learn how to play a chord?"

She nodded.

"Sit down." He grinned. "In front of me."

She began to sit, but he shook his head.

"Your back to me."

She did, and to her partial disgust, her partial thrill, found herself wrapped by Steven. He settled the guitar in her lap, and sat so close she could feel the rhythm of his life pounding against her back. "Steven," she whispered involuntarily; her eyes closing also involuntarily.

"Put your hand here. And your other hand here."

His breath warmed the crease of skin between her neck and shoulder, and she couldn't open her eyes. Could hardly breathe as he moved her fingers into the position he wanted.

"Okay, now just..."

She strummed, and the instrument vibrated, but she heard nothing except for Steven's breathing near her ear.

"You smell good, Jackie."

She turned her head, her eyes still closed. His lips were right there...so close...she could sense them, and every inch of her trembled. Just to kiss him...just one last time, to feel his soft, warm, strong and persuasive lips on hers, coaxing her to open his mouth so he could dance inside of her...

And then she'd slap him...just one more kiss...then she'd push him away for good...just one last kiss...

"Jackie. It's five o'clock."

Shawn's irritated voice broke her reverie, and she jerked her head forward. Her eyes opened, and she looked up, smiling weakly. "Oh...what?"

She thought she heard Steven cussing under his breath, and it made her giggle.

Shawn glared down at her. "You said you needed at least two hours to get ready for our date tonight." He crossed his arms, looking almost effeminate, looking an awful lot like Fez sometimes had. She giggled harder, but stifled it with a hand to her mouth. Steven had called him a Fez wannabe.

Maybe he was right.

"Where are you two going tonight?" Willow asked, coming up beside Shawn.

"We," Shawn said firmly, glaring at Jackie and then behind her, "are going dancing."

Jackie, suddenly self-conscious and sane again, Shawn's pointed looks at Steven reminding her of all she wanted to forget, forced herself to move the guitar and stand up. Instantly, she was cold. "Yeah. There's this club..." She looked at Steven, and to her surprise, he wasn't smirking. He was just...looking at her. Just looking.

_What in the hell does that mean? _

"Dancing!" Willow exclaimed, her face lighting up. "I love dancing." She looked at Steven, as if she was telling him a secret, and Jackie furrowed her brow. "Hyde, you wanna be my date? We could double."

Jackie looked at Steven, and to her surprise, he smiled.

"Sure. Dancing...sounds cool."

And suddenly, in the space of two minutes, Jackie felt as if the entire world was spinning fast enough to send her flying off into space.

_What is he doing? What is he DOING? _


	12. Scared Reprise

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry that it's been awhile. Work is going to settle down, so hopefully I'll be able to concentrate more. Thank you SO much for the wonderful reviews...they really keep me going, so keep 'em coming! Please:) Hope you enjoy this chapter! I'm anticipating four or five more chapters.

**Warning: **Language. Of course.

**Imagine **

**Scared (Reprise) **

_I just wanna stay alive _

Jackie was dancing with Willow, but while Hyde appreciated the girl-on- girl overtones, all he was really noticing was Jackie. She was wearing a red dress with a halter top, tight on her chest and low cut, and as she danced, the flowing skirt opened to show of her toned, shapely legs. And her tipsy, flirtatious movements, ones he knew were directed at him and not the fruitcake, made it impossible for him to look away. He even neglected his beer.

"Quit looking at my date."

Slowly, he turned and looked at Shawn. The idiot was glaring at him, but his idea of a nasty look had all the force of a whiffle ball. Hyde grinned. "Free country, man." He turned back Jackie just in time to catch her smiling at him. His heart skipped a beat, then sank a bit. Sure she was smiling at him, but only because of the three margaritas she'd downed.

"You do realize that she hates you, don't you?"

This time, he didn't bother giving the guy a glance. "And _you_ realize that you don't stand a chance with her, don't you?" He chuckled and looked at the other hippy guy sitting with them, Frank. Willow's boyfriend...or at least when she was into guys. "He's about as close to getting into Jackie's pants as Willow is."

A flustered Shawn tried to retort, but failed, and quickly looked away, then stood up and left the table.

Frank laughed, but shook his head. "Man, I wouldn't count Willow out. She can be quite persuasive." He leaned back in his chair and smiled lasciviously as he watched the girls dance together. "Damn, it's hot having a girlfriend who's into other chicks."

Hyde nodded and watched appreciatively as Willlow spun Jackie around. "Yeah, that must be heaven, man." His pleasant view was disrupted when idiot fruit boy approached Jackie and tugged her away from Willow. He frowned and his hands clenched into fists. Jackie wasn't exactly beating him off with a stick. In fact, she was now giving fruit boy that same flirty smile she'd just given him.

"Fuck," he mumbled, his stomach collapsing to his feet.

Willow slipped into the seat next to him. "You know, that girl has energy," she said with a smile. "I think she's gonna dance all night."

Hyde noticed Willow looking at him, but didn't say a word. Jackie was dancing with that asshole, and obviously enjoying it.

"You okay, Hyde? Your foot is tapping kind of hard. You're gonna tap right through the floor."

He looked down at his leg. Yep. Going a mile a minute. Forcing himself to stop and forcing himself to look at her, he plastered on a fake feeling grin. "I'm fine." He looked back at Jackie and the fruit. He was behind her, his arms locked around Jackie as if she belonged to him. Hyde stood, his chest constricting. "I...I gotta go smoke a cigarette."

He walked away, fumbling in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. His face burned below the skin, and breathing...well, it wasn't happening at the moment. Blinded by anger...heh. He wasn't blinded. He was suffocated. Dying. That chick was _killing_ him. He stopped only a few dozen feet from where he'd just been, lighting up a cigarette. Maybe the nicotine would destroy whatever was blocking his airway. He took a drag, finding a bit of relief, and then noticed the DJ's table. He noticed people approaching the table.

He smiled. Jackie played dirty, flirting first with him and then with that bastard. He could play dirty, too. He arched his eyebrows and headed off towards the DJ's table.

Hopefully, the guy took requests.

He did, and with a grin, Hyde made his way back to the table, only to lose the grin, lose the relief, and again lose the ability to breathe. She was sitting on Shawn's lap. He stopped just to the side of his chair.

A sucker punch to the gut couldn't have physically hurt more, just the same as when he'd first seen her sitting on Fez's lap.

It was _their_ thing. And she apparently just didn't care.

_She probably thought the same thing when you were with Sam, hypocrite. _

She noticed him, and her tipsy smile broadened. "Ste...Steven! You...you're back! Where'dja go?" She started giggling and pointing at him. "Look at Steven and his glasses! His best friend is those glasses. He wears 'em everywhere! I even got...got..." Her brow furrowed. "Caught! That's what I was trying to say caught!" She took a deep breath. "I caught him wearing 'em when he was sleeping!"

He wanted to tell her to shut the hell up, but she tumbled off Shawn's lap and stumbled over to him, pressing her hands against his chest to stop her unsteady movement. She smiled up at him, drunkenly of course, and even so, it gave him that same old chest ache. He took the glasses off and hooked them on his shirt.

"Member...Steven...Steeeee...ven..."

She tugged on his shirt near his stomach. He put his hands on her hips. _Just to keep her steady, man. The way she's spinning, she'll do a face plant if I don't. __And if I let that happen, she'll kick me. _

"Member when I wore your glasses, Steeeeven?"

He nodded, the corners of his mouth moving upwards. She was flushed, her eyes bright, alcohol induced, but still...so incredibly beautiful. "I remember, Jackie."

She laughed, still clutching a handful of his shirt, and she looked over her shoulder at the group. "He liked it. It turned him on. He said I was so sexy..." Her words were becoming increasingly slurred, her laugh more and more shrill. "He used to think I was sexy, do you believe that!" She turned back to him, and the light in her eyes died. The flush in her cheeks faded. Her smile vanished. She let go of his shirt, and her arm fell limply to her side. "You don't think I'm sexy anymore. Not since...not since Sam...As soon as you saw her I wasn't sexy to you anymore."

She started to back away from him, and instinctively, Hyde reached out and grabbed her arm. "Jackie..." She looked at him, but he had no idea what to say. What could he say to that? He'd allowed her to think that. For a long time. How could he tell her it hadn't been that way?

He stared at her and watched as the tears gathered in her eyes.

And the hole in his gut opened again.

Luckily, sweet and familiar piano strains began to play, and immediately Jackie recognized the song. Her eyes dried, lit back up, and she apparently forgot - in the way only an intoxicated person can - what she'd just said. She grabbed his arms. "Steeeeven! It's our song!" Her hands slid down his arms to his hands, and she tugged on them, stepping backwards. "Steeeeven, I wanna dance with you! To our song! Pweeeeasee?"

_Blue jean baby, LA lady, seamstress for the band _

_Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man _

He had to grin when she pouted. Even drunk, she knew just how far to push her luscious lower lip out. "Fine." Before following her, he caught Shawn's eye and smirked. Victory.

But the victory felt hollow.

_Ballerina, you must have seen her _

_Dancing in the sand _

_Now she's in me _

_Always with me _

_Tiny dancer in my hand _

He wrapped his left arm around her, and with his right hand, trapped her hand against his chest. She looked up at him, smiling, and it nearly completely gutted him. Her hair was pulled back on one side with a red flower, just like the night of the Valentine's dance, when they'd danced for the first time to this song. That night she loved him. And that night, he'd had no doubts about how he felt about her. Back then, he'd called it (at least in his own head) love. Now...it was all so screwed up. Fucked up. And no matter what, the fuck ups couldn't ever be changed.

That night was long gone.

She sang along with Elton John, her voice off-key and of course shrill. With her trapped hand, she made little circles on her chest, and the other rubbed his back slowly. He watched her, and she smiled sweetly, still singing her song. Their song.

He looked away.

And he realized that he'd lost something incredibly special. They'd never find what they'd had that night. Not together, not apart.

"Steeeeeven, you look sad. Are you sad?"

He cleared his throat and looked at her, trying to smirk. "No."

She frowned. "I think you are. Are you thinking about Sam?"

All he could do was shake his head. His throat was too thick, too raw.

"I think about Sam everyday." She rested her head on his shoulder, and he took a deep breath. "She was so lucky, Puddin' Pop. You picked her and she could have had you forever." Her head lifted, and he looked at her. She shook her head, frowning. "I don't get why she left when you wanted her. I...I never would of left you if you'd wanted me."

He blinked slowly. "You did, Jackie," he said quietly.

She shook her head, her expression becoming petulant. "No, I didn't, Steven! You let me go..." She closed her eyes. "You didn't pick me. You picked beer and 'have a nice trip'." And suddenly she smiled again. "I was jealous of her. Still am. And she was so stupid, Steven, to leave you when you wanted her. You know what? I bet if I'd been more like her you wouldn't have picked her." She nodded. "Maybe I should be more like her. Maybe then the next time you won't pick her. You'll pick me." She laughed. "I know she'll come back. It's my luck, you know? And besides..."

She pulled away from him, lost in her drunken oblivion, taking a few steps. Then she turned and returned to him, throwing her arms around him and burying her face in his neck.

_Hold me closer, tiny dancer _

_Count the headlights on the highway _

_Lay me down in sheets of linen _

_You had a busy day today _

He shook his head, holding her as tightly as he could, this doll who wasn't nearly as fragile

as everyone thought she was, but who always wasn't nearly as unbreakable as she thought she was. Her words pulsated in his blood - _I think about Sam everyday...You picked her and she could have had you forever...I bet if I'd been more like her you wouldn't have picked her...I know she'll come back - _and now she was mumbling something near his ear.

"All I wanted was to have you forever and she could have. I hate that she could have and didn't stay to do it, you know? Not fair. She shoulda stayed. You deserved her to stay."

After the song ended, Jackie pushed him away, not upset, not happy, just eager for another drink. He watched her stumble back to the table, bumping into a few random people on her way, and quickly, he followed her. He got to her before Shawn did, and guided her into her own chair. "You want another drink?"

She nodded, smiling sweetly at him. "Yes, pwease...pwease..." She started to laugh. "More booze!" She grabbed an empty glass and held it up to him. "More booze, Steeeeven!"

He nodded .

More booze sounded like a good plan. At least for him.

Later on, the group sat at the table. Jackie hadn't noticed that he'd gotten her a glass of water instead of vodka. Good thing, since she wasn't sobering up at all. Those mixed drinks were brutal on her tiny body. Hyde sat next to her, his arm slung casually over the back of her chair, and despite the memory of her honesty during their dance, he enjoyed the way Shawn was glowering at him. He enjoyed even more being able to smile like a smart ass back at the jealous fruitcake.

Willow cleared her throat. "Okay, you guys remember that tomorrow at 11 am, we're supposed to have a ten minute moment of silence for John Lennon, right? Yoko requested it. And then tomorrow night we're having our own candlelight ceremony in front of the Dakota." She sighed and shook her head, her eyes misting. "Yoko loved John so much. It's just so beautiful."

Jackie gasped and turned towards Hyde. "I'M Yoko!" she cried, her eyes brilliant even in the darkness of the club. "'Member, Puddin' Pop? Eric said I was Yoko!"

He winced, but didn't protest at her use of the nickname. "I remember, Jackie."

She got up and settled herself into his lap. Her hands slid up into her hair, and she beamed down at him. His heart started pounding, and he took hold of her hips. "Maybe I'm YOUR Yoko," she purred, before pressing tiny kisses on his cheek, making him shiver, making his groin suddenly very uncomfortable.

"_You know, John Lennon left Yoko for awhile. For two years, I think. He was with another woman, but he couldn't get Yoko out of his system. They got back together and were more in love than ever. He called it the Lost Weekend."_

Just as he was about to turn his head to the right to catch her lips, she burst out in giggles and retreated.

"Yo...ko...Yo ko yo ko yo ko ko." She fell off his lap, laughing hysterically, and onto the floor.

He stared at her. He'd never seen her this wasted.

And it bugged him.

Willow quickly stood up and reached down for her, helping her to her feet. She looked at Hyde. "I'm just gonna take her to the ladies room."

After the two went off, Shawn cleared his throat, looking directly at Hyde. "I think Jackie should come home with me tonight."

Hyde leaned forward. "Uh, no. No way in hell."

Shawn smiled. "What's the matter? You scared of me?"

That made Hyde laugh out loud. "Right. As scared as I am of Jackie's stuffed unicorns." He leaned over the table and pointed at Shawn. "You really think I'm gonna let you take her back to your van or wherever the hell your sleeping? You really think I don't know you only want one thing from her?"

"And what about you, Hyde? What exactly do _you _want from her?" Shawn raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. Probably the same thing I do. Remember, I saw the way you were checking her out when she was dancing with Willow. You weren't thinking about playing cards with her."

Hyde stood up, anger propelling him. He pushed the table hard enough so that it startled Shawn. "Don't fucking start with me," he snapped in a low voice. His fists clenched at the side of his thighs. "Not about her." He shook his head. "You don't want me to kick your ass. Trust me."

Shawn stood, though he looked nervous. "Well," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "Why don't we just leave it up to Jackie?" He looked away, and Hyde followed his gaze.

Willow was guiding a stumbling, obviously dizzy Jackie back to the table.

"Jackie, would you like me to take you home with me?" Shawn asked, giving her a smile that made Hyde nearly puke right then and there. The damned disco music pounded in his temple, wreaking havoc in his head.

"Or do you want to come back to the hotel with me?" Hyde asked quickly.

His stomach tightened. How in the hell would he deal if she wanted to go with that fucking prick?

Jackie briefly glanced at Shawn, but then turned her still shining eyes to Hyde. And she smiled. "I wanna go home with Steeeeven," she said, breaking away from Willow and staggering over to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and beamed happily up at him. "I'll always wanna go home with you, Steeeeven. No matter what you do or say or what he days or soos..." She giggled. "'Cause I love you, and you're my Puddin' Pop, and it's always gonna be you, Steeeeven."

A few minutes later, they were in a cab, and she was drowsy, resting her head on his shoulder, her hand on his thigh.

And all Hyde could think of was that last thing she'd said.

He looked out the window at the passing city, and shook his head. How in the hell could she love him that much?

_Very early the next morning _

Hyde stood at the window of their hotel, looking out at the rain-soaked city and doing everything he could to resist the urge to look back at the naked chick sleeping in his bed.

He wondered if she'd remember when she woke up.

He closed his eyes.

He wasn't sure he wanted her to.


	13. Oh My Love

**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

**Author's Note:** Thank you for your patience! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. The angst isn't quite over yet, but it won't be as intense as it has been. And I'm promising a happy ending. So please read and review! The reviews are wonderful, and make me so happy. :) Thank you for both! Oh, and I used the same line ("Everything is clear in my heart") twice. That was on purpose, just FYI. :)

**Warning: **A little language (very little) and a little sappiness, but I think it's called for. :)

**Imagine **

**Oh My Love **

_My eyes are wide open _

When Hyde came back from his sunrise walk, Jackie was still sleeping. He stood just inside the door for a moment, staring at her. She looked peaceful. Beautiful. Her hair dressing her naked shoulders, a soft smile on her lips. Her breathing gentle and easy. As if she hadn't gotten completely plastered last night. As if she hadn't said all she'd said during their dance and afterwards.

As if she hadn't played Sam and stripped for him.

With a sigh, he sat down in one of the chairs and watched her. Chances of her remembering...not good. He closed his eyes, and his stomach ground itself nearly to pieces. Last night...he'd finally seen, really seen, what he'd done to her. All these months, he'd tried to convince himself that she hadn't been _that_ hurt, and that she'd deserved it.

Right.

He wanted to open his eyes, to get up and go smoke a joint to escape the scenes that in the light of day were just as clearly defined as they'd been when happening.

He couldn't. What he could do, what he had been doing since he'd woken from the two hours of half sleep he'd gotten, was relive the whole thing.

_It was a struggle to open the door while still half-carrying Jackie, but he did, with a grimace. She giggled as he tugged her through the door way and into their room, then stumbled away from him. He sighed and closed the door behind him. "So. You probably should just..." _

_He frowned as she twirled around the room. Her skirt was flying up, and he was getting a nice peek at her thighs. "Jackie..." Not that he really wanted her to stop. _

_She turned to him, and her laughter, her bright smile died. "Whatsa matter, Steeeeven?" She pouted. "You look sad. Like you did when Sam left." She looked down, kicking her foot over the carpet. "Donna told me how upset you were when she went away with her husband." _

_She swayed, her eyes dimming and reflecting loss. Pain. "I'm sorry she hurt you." Her face twisted. "She's a whore and a bitch for hurting you, Steeeeven!" _

_He looked away. Sure, Sam leaving had stung a bit. Bruised his ego. He'd spent a week or two thinking about Sam after she was gone, wondering if he should have or could have done anything differently. But it had been nothing close to the pain Jackie had caused him. Nothing even in the same ballpark. That pain was still dragging out...impossible to kill. He'd sometimes wanted to scream it at her when she went on and on about how she'd suffered. _

_But he didn't say a word. Not then, not now. _

_And it was so odd that Jackie even cared if he'd been hurt. How in the hell was that possible? _

_He heard her gasp, and he tuned his gaze back to her. She was wide-eyed and grinning in excitement, and he furrowed his brow. "Uh, what are you..." _

"_I' ve got a GREAT idea, Steeeeven!" She glided clumsily over to him and took both his hands. He didn't fight her, and let her drag him to the bed, where she let go of his hands then pushed him down so he was sitting. "I'm gonna make it up to you. I'll pretend I'm Sam and strip for you, and then you'll feel better!" She beamed at him. "And I won't even mind if you pretend I'm her, kay? I just want you to feel better." She whirled around and turned on the television set. "Yeah...this music's perfect." _

_Hyde stiffened. "Jackie..." He shook his head when she circled back to him and began dancing sexily, her hips swaying back and forth, her hands seducing the halter top of her dress. He cleared his throat. "Jackie, you're dancing to the news." She didn't notice. Or care. Instead of reacting to what he'd said, she turned her back to him. She glanced over her shoulder, giving him that come hither smile of hers, all the while untying the top of her dress. _

'_Stop this. STOP THIS, HYDE!' _

_He didn't. And when she bent over, her head now between her spread legs, her ass still winking at him and her eyes shining, he gulped. There was no way he was going to be able to stop this. Already, lust was rushing up and down his body, forcing his eyes to stay on the dancing Jackie. She turned, smiling sexily, and let the top of her dress drop. Her hands gently touched her bare breast, and he grimaced, shifting his position and wishing he wasn't wearing jeans. Hard wasn't good. Not this kind of hard. Not this kind of desire that came with so much guilt. _

_And then the dress was gone. The panties were gone. She was there naked in front of him, her tiny body, curved exactly the way a woman should be, every inch of her toned and olive-tinted, soft in the right places, swaying to some song in her head. _

_He tried to look away. His brain ordered his neck to turn, his eyes to close, his body to stand and leave. _

_He couldn't. The only thing he could do was want her more, was to think about how her body would feel under his, or on top of his. What it would feel like to be inside her again after so freaking long. Too freaking long. _

_Before he could react, she'd forced herself on his lap, straddled him, her hands cupping his face and raising it. Her lips assaulted his, and he gave in. Not like he couldn't; her kiss, frantic and passionate, was insistent. His hands skimmed her hot, bare skin, sliding around to her lower back. And when her tongue beckoned his, he responded. _

'_Finally. I'm finally gonna have her again. God damn, she's so hot! I want her...god, Jackie, I want you.' _

_When she drew her kiss away, moving to suck on his neck, the heavy scent of alcohol on her breath hit his nose, reminding him. _

'_Fuck, she's so wasted. I can't...I can't do this. She...fuck.' _

_Despite the intense urge to push her to the bed and take her as his once again, he swallowed hard and pushed her, not to the bed, but away from his body. "Jackie. Stop." His eyes fluttered. Her lips biting his neck, sucking his skin, sent shivers all through him, and only even more heat to his groin. He winced, wishing to God he could find a reason to justify being with her even though she was wasted. _

_He couldn't. _

"_I mean it, Jackie. Stop it. We're not doing this." _

_She stopped and looked down at him, her eyes wide with confusion. "Why not, Steeeeven?" _

_He looked away, and that was enough of an answer for her. Making a small whimpering sound in her throat, she tumbled off his lap, landing on the bed next to him. He looked at her, laying on her back, completely naked. Her eyes were open, staring at the ceiling, and wet. _

"_You don't want me, do you? Why don't you want me anymore, Steven?" _

_She sounded so tiny, and the sight of her, baring all of herself quite literally to him, made something in his chest begin to crumble. He stared at her. And everything she'd said tonight, during their dance, during the cab ride home, before she stripped down - it all whirled in his mind. Some drunkards spouted nonsense. Others didn't talk at all. _

_One thing he knew about Jackie was that when she was drunk, she said things she'd been thinking while sober. Feeling when sober. She was a truthful drunk. _

_The feeling in his chest worsened. He'd driven her to this. He'd caused her this much pain. _

_Taking a deep breath, he tried to steady the shaking of his body. "It isn't that I don't want you, Jackie," he said quietly, his eyes on hers, hers still on the ceiling. "It's just...you're drunk. If we do this, you'll hate me." He shook his head. "You've got enough to hate me about." _

_She looked at him, a few tears releasing. "I wish you'd never married Sam, Steven." _

_He stared at her, his eyes moving up and down the woman he'd given up. Traded in for a very used model. He'd given up Jackie's sometimes overbearing but reassuring nurturing, her often stifling but always genuine affection, her naive yet endearing idealism...for Sam. Sam was gone. Hadn't even fought too hard to stay. _

_Jackie always fought for him. _

_Until the last time. _

_And he wondered if that was why he'd let Sam stay, because Jackie didn't put up a fight. _

_God, he wished she had. He wished _he _had. _

_He nodded, wanting to touch her, but not daring to. "I wish that, too, Jackie." _

_Her eyes locked on his for a moment, then she looked away. _

"_Jackie." He caught a little courage, and reached for her hand. To his surprise, she didn't pull away. She didn't look at him, however. "Look at me." She did, and something, at least a piece of the pain in his chest relieved. He pressed his lips together. How could he say this to her? How could he tell her? What words would be enough? _

_In the end, he could think of only two. _

"_I'm sorry." _

_Her eyes widened, her lips parted, her voice softened and steadied. "For what?" _

_And it wasn't like she was baiting him, trying to punish him by making him say it. She genuinely didn't know. He shrugged, giving her a smile that felt crooked. "For everything." _

_Before he could stop himself, before the smile she gave him faded, he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her sweet lips. _

Hyde sighed and stood up, going to the window and looking out at the breaking day. They'd kissed a few dozen more times, soft peppering touches, that had made Jackie sleepy. She'd quickly dozed off, and he'd put her beneath the covers. She'd slept all night.

And now he wondered if she'd even remember what he'd said.

_I feel the sorrow, oh, I feel the dreams _

When she woke, Jackie's head felt split in half, in half again, and then a dozen more times. As her eyes flickered open, the brightness of daylight made the pain worse, and she groaned. Her eyes closed tightly. Her body felt worn out, limp with exhaustion as if she'd been running for decades. And her stomach was twisting and turning with the force of a tilt-a-whirl. Rolling over to her side, she begged her body for more sleep.

Instead, her eyes opened, and despite the pain behind them, acclimated to the light. Huffing in frustration she returned to her back and pushed down the blanket and sheet that covered her. She put her hands over her stomach.

Her naked stomach. She was naked. She never slept naked, except after she'd...had sex. Oh god...had she had sex? Why was everything so fuzzy?

She sat up, ignoring the flash of pain in her head and stomach, her eyes flickering over to the window where Steven was standing. "Steven!"

When he turned, and his eyes immediately dipped to her chest, she frowned and pulled the blanket back up to cover herself. "What the hell happened last night?"

He gave her a slight grin. "You got smashed, that's what happened."

She rolled her eyes. That much was obvious. She'd been hung over before, but this dizzying nausea might very well kill her. And she wanted to drop the blankets because she was so freaking hot. Sweating. "I know, but...why am I naked?" She glared at him and pointed an accusatory finger at him. "Did you take my clothes off and molest me when I was sleeping, Steven?"

He nodded. "Sure, Jackie. That's exactly what happened." He turned back to the window, his shoulders stiff and tense.

Jackie sighed. She knew that wouldn't happen. Steven wasn't the type to take advantage of a drunk girl. "Then what did happen, Steven? I can't remember anything after sitting at the table at that club."

"Why don't you just go take a shower? There's some aspirin in the bathroom you should take, too."

She wondered just what he was hiding. "Steven," she said, wincing because of the continual pain in her head. "Something obviously happened. Tell me, or I'll kick you." She raised an eyebrow. "And not on your shin."

She heard him sigh in irritation, but smiled slightly when he turned around.

"Fine. You wanna know what happened? I had to carry you out of the club, you were so gone. And then when I got you back here, you..."

"I did what, Steven?"

"You danced...while...while kind of...taking off your clothes."

She stared at him, and flashes of memory came to her. Standing in front of the television, smiling sexily at Steven, playing with the halter tie of her dress. Turning and looking over her shoulder.

He looked at the ground, and she knew that he hadn't done anything to stop her. He'd let her strip for him.

Tears filled her eyes, and she got off the bed, standing on weakening knees. "And you didn't stop me? You just LET me strip? Probably like you used to let your whore of a wife strip for you, right?" She started to cry, unable to keep the sobs in, the humiliation too intense. "Is that why you let me do it? Huh, Steven? Because it reminded you of her?"

He didn't look at her, still stared at the ground, but shook his head. "No." His voice was so quiet, almost inaudible, like it had been in his car when he told her about cheating with that skanky nurse. "That's not why. And I did try to stop you. I just...I couldn't."

"Why? Why couldn't you?"

"I just..."

He looked up, and when his eyes grazed her body, she realized she was naked. With a huff, she tore the blanket off the bed and wrapped it around herself. "God, you're such a PIG, Steven!" She turned and rushed to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

She stared in the mirror, doing her best to keep the nausea from rushing up her stomach by taking deep, rasping breaths. She looked horrible. Pale, bags under her eyes, damp from the sweat of her hang-over fever.

She closed her eyes and hung her head. How could he do it? How could he have let her do that? HOW?

And then she remembered something else.

She was laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling and crying. He'd said her name, then told her to look at him. She had, and he looked so sad. No glasses, no smirk, just sad blue eyes.

"_I'm sorry." _

"_For what?" _

"_For everything." _

Her eyes opened, and she stared at her ghostly reflection, trying to figure out if he'd really said that or if she was dreaming. Noticing one of his tee shirts hanging on the towel rack, she reached for it and put it on. "I'll ask him," she said to herself.

Because if he had actually apologized - for everything - she wanted to be positive.

She quietly opened the door and stopped, her heart jumping.

_Everything is clear in my heart _

Hyde hadn't cried in years. But now, sitting on the bed, knowing everything he knew now, how badly he'd hurt Jackie, and especially the fact that she was in the bathroom thinking even less of him than she already had, he couldn't stop the burning in his eyes. Or the jerking breaths in his chest. He covered his eyes with his hand. A cold tear scratched his skin as it slipped down his cheek. He didn't bother to wipe it away.

He'd thought he'd solved the problem. Thought he'd fixed his ability to feel pain for good when he'd given up on Jackie.

He'd been dead wrong, because he sure as hell was feeling pain again. Head to toe.

And what he wanted was for Jackie to make it go away. The way she used to, the way she had after the "get off my boyfriend" incident. The way she had always...whenever anything bothered him. The way she had even when he thought he didn't want her to.

What hurt the most was knowing that she wouldn't, or couldn't...because of all he'd done.

_Everything is clear in my heart _

Jackie stared at Steven. He sat on the side of the bed, his shoulders slumped, his head hanging and his hand over his eyes. She'd never seen him look so defeated, and it broke her. Tears filled and plummeted from her eyes. "Steven?"

He looked up. His eyes were shining. Tears. She'd never seen him cry before.

"Did you..." Her hands were shaking at her sides, and to keep them from flying off her body, she grabbed the sides of Steven's tee shirt. "Did you say that you...were sorry? Last night, I mean?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"For..." She could hardly breathe at all, let alone speak. Her words squeaked rather than sounded. "Everything?"

He nodded again. "For the nurse. And not trusting you. And for saying I don't know. For saying have a nice trip. For not telling you..." He looked up at the ceiling, and his voice broke. "For marrying someone else. And everything I've ever done to you that I wish I hadn't." He looked down again, his hand raising to his forehead. "I really fucked us up, Jackie."

She stumbled towards him a few steps. "Steven...you're not the only one who screwed us up." She smiled through her tears. "I'm sorry I flaunted Michael in your face all the time, and made you jealous, and gave you ultimatums and pressured you about marriage." She had to release a soft sob, and her voice rose nearly a full octave. "I'm sorry I pushed you so far away that it was easier for you to stay married to a woman you didn't know than to be with me."

He stood and met her halfway, his face calm, but the storm in his eyes telling all. She looked in them, half afraid, half relieved. When his calm crumbled, she reached for him and he hugged her. So tight. So intensely, as if he wanted to absorb her completely.

Jackie held him just as fiercely. Hyde whispered her name, and she held him tighter.

_Everything is clear in our world _

Before she knew it, he'd moved them to the bed, and she was sitting on his lip, doing her best to smile at him. His eyes were dry now, though she could see a few specks of wetness on his cheek, and she lightly kissed those specks. Pulling away, she looked into his eyes. "You know what I wish, Steven?"

Hyde shook his head, his hands running up and down her back. "What?"

She lifted a shoulder. "I wish it was still our summer."

Hyde nodded, his throat thick. "Yeah." He cleared it. "I do to."

And he did. She did. If only they could go back to when it was simple. When it was just the two of them sharing secret kisses, stolen kisses, long kisses, incredibly hot kisses, anywhere and anytime they could. Slowly falling for one another despite everything and everyone that said they were, as a couple, wrong.

She coughed. "I...I guess I better get dressed."

To his chagrin, she got off his lap, and he watched her head towards the bathroom.

She stopped at the dresser and pulled open a drawer, her heart racing madly. With everything they'd said, everything they'd felt...she wasn't sure what to do. "So...what do you want to do today? Oh, there's that moment of silence in Central Park."

Hyde frowned. "Uh...actually..."

She turned, and smiled when she found him looking a little shy. "Yeah?"

He shrugged. "I was just thinking that maybe since it's our last full day in New York...do you think you and I...just you and I could hang out?"

_God, Hyde, you're such a tool! How wussy ARE you, huh? _

_Then again, if she's gonna smile at me like that... _

He grinned. "Does that mean yes?"

Jackie nodded, unable to stop smiling. And on impulse, she walked back to him and cupped his cheeks. "Steven."

He took her soft kiss as greedily as she'd let him.

"We can't go back, Steven."

"I know." Hyde grimaced. "But do you think...maybe..." He had no idea what he was doing, no idea of what he was getting into...

_Liar. You know what you're doing. You know what you're getting into. And face it. This is what you want. SHE is what you want. You love her, MORON! _

Jackie kissed away his words. "Maybe we can go forward?"

_God, I hope that's what he was about to say! Because if it wasn't, I'm gonna feel so incredibly dumb! Oh, he has to mean that. He's looking at me the way he used to. And touching me the way he used to. Kissing me... _

He kissed her again. Deep and long.

When it was over, they looked at one another.

Hyde raised an eyebrow. "So...forward?"

Jackie nodded, her heart exploding, but for once, in a way that made her entire being thrill. "Forward."

_Finally!!!!!!! _


	14. Give Me Some Truth

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Warning: **Language

**Author's Note: **I am so sorry that it's been so long on this one! It won't happen again. I'm feeling inspired, and there's only a few more chapters, so I'll definitely keep on it! Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews this even though the author is so easily distracted by stupid real life! Enjoy!

**Imagine **

**Give Me Some Truth **

_I've had enough of watching scenes _

The crowd in front of the Dakota was thinner than before, though the mound of flowers and pictures had tripled in size. Hyde stood a few feet behind the dozen or so onlookers, and while he repeatedly told himself not to, he watched Jackie. She took tiny steps as she inspected the flowers, occasionally picking one up and looking back at him, either giving him a smile of approval or a shake of her head. And he knew what she meant. The flowers she smiled at, he should feel free to buy for her at some point. The shakes of her head? He'd be without sex for at least a month if he dared give _those_ flowers to her.

He shifted on his feet and looked away. His stomach hurt in the way it always did when she irritated him. He closed his eyes. How could she turn something like this, a memorial for a dead legend, into a gift-giving lesson? He lifted a hand and rubbed his forehead. Maybe this whole "forward" business was a mistake. Maybe that thought he'd had just a few hours ago, that he really did love her, was just a result of temporary insanity, or her hotness being right there up close and personal, making him stupid the way it so often had. Could he love her and yet be so damn irritated with her that he wanted to walk, no, _run_ away from her?

He felt that way often, he remembered. At least five times a day.

How could that be love?

When he opened his eyes, his hand falling back to his side, he noticed a chick just a few feet away. She was tall with spiky blonde hair, a leather jacket, and she reminded him of Chrissy. He watched her. She was scowling at Jackie and the other less edgy, more traditionally dressed chicks floating around the flowers. He nodded. Yeah. That chick was probably the one he should be with. That type of chick wouldn't demand he sacrifice even a smidgen of his self-respect. He closed his eyes again as dart of sharp pain shot through his head.

"_Okay, Steven, so we're going forward. But you're gonna have to do a lot of stuff for me. You know, to make up for breaking my heart the way you did. So I suggest you start with more flowers. Oh, and something shiny. I love shiny things!" _

She'd said that this morning. He'd smile and kissed her, choosing to ignore the order in favor of physical gratification.

Now, he couldn't ignore it.

He opened his eyes again, and the Chrissy chick looked at him. She smiled, and he lifted his chin in greeting.

And he felt nothing. No fireworks in the belly, no shiver up the spine. Nothing. Huh. Not even a prick under his skin. Kind of like how it'd been when he looked at Sam.

He looked at Jackie, and as if she sensed his eyes on her, she looked back. When she smiled and flipped her hair off her shoulder, the morning sun painting the dark brown with thin ribbons of glossy red, an entire 4th of July show erupted in his gut. She started towards him, and his arms broke out in goosebumps.

He smiled in spite of his second thoughts. She was cute, damn it. Beautiful.

"Hi, Steven," she said. "You having fun watching me?"

He nodded, still grinning, and reached around her to pat her backside. "Yeah. How could I not? I've been checking out your ass for half an hour."

"Steven!" she scolded, her cheeks flushing as her smile broadened.

In his head, he put a check in the "Pro Jackie" column for her fine ass. And the fact that she liked having it smacked occasionally and stroked all the time. How many chicks were like that? Not many, he decided.

As she started going off about something, something about the flowers and beautiful cards and how John Lennon had actually been a handsome man when he wasn't scruffy, Hyde put his arm around her and they headed off. Yeah. Yoko Ono was no beauty, but John Lennon stayed with her anyway, even though he could have had whatever chick he wanted. _If he could live with that, I guess I can live with Jackie's shallowness. I did before. _

They walked on, heading for Central Park, and Jackie kept talking.

The prick in his stomach grew bigger, but he swallowed hard and tried to ignore it. _I'm just annoyed that she wouldn't let me get anywhere before we left this morning. _

Hyde stopped walking and turned Jackie to him, giving her his sexiest smirk. "Hey," he said, slowly rubbing her hands up and down her slender sides. "What do you say we just go back to the hotel?"

Yeah. A little fooling around, he'd feel better. It'd always worked in the past. They were hot together.

She smiled sexily and slid her fingers, her palms, up his chest. "How about this? If we go to Central Park and say goodbye to Willow now, we can do whatever you want for the rest of the day?"

He nodded. "Fine. But it has to be anything I want, Jackie."

She licked her lips and moved closer. "Of course, baby."

She hugged him, and he nodded, still grinning. Yeah. All he needed was to get some, and his stomach would settle down, his head would stop throbbing. Nothing like sex - hot sex, to boot - to cure a little doubt.

It had always been that way. Surely it wouldn't be different this time around.

_With just a pocketful of hope _

They found Willow and the others right away, and Jackie immediately pulled Willow off to the side, tugging her so hard that Willow, in between giggles, protested that she was going to fall. When they reached a distance sufficient that no one would overhear, Jackie stopped and turned to her new friend, smiling and feeling as if she was ten miles into the sky. "Willow, oh my god, I have to tell you something," she chirped, her heart pounding with such life she thought she might very well die. She took Willow's hands and bounced on her feet. "Last night, Steven admitted that he screwed up. He apologized. Willow, he cried! And guess what?"

Willow smiled and squeezed Jackie's hands. "What?"

Jackie had to swallow a few times, so intense was the happiness inside of her. So much energy, she couldn't stand still, she couldn't take a single breath without wanting to break out into the most enthusiastic cheer of her life. Steven loved her. He did. She knew it. She felt it. When she'd seen his tears, she'd known. "We're back together! And he wants it to work this time. He really does. Oh, god, Willow, he loves me! I know he does?" She noticed the slight doubt in Willow's eyes, and she shook her head. "No, I know what you're thinking. This isn't about just sex or the fact that I'm so hot he can't stand it. I know he really loves me. He cried!"

She didn't bother to let Willow respond, and she threw her arms around her new and now official best friend. As they hugged, tears filled her eyes and some of her euphoria faded. Willow wasn't in Point Place. She'd be going home to Donna, and Donna certainly wouldn't be there for her the way Willow had in just a few scant days. Jackie pulled away and looked at Willow. "Are you sure you can't move to Point Place?"

Willow, looking teary also, laughed and shook her head. "I wish I could, Jackie, but I've got a job and my family..." She tilted her head when Jackie pouted. "I promise that I'll come visit you soon."

Jackie let go of Willow and clapped her hands. "Yay! And then you can give Donna friendship lessons. She really needs some." Impulsively, and feeling so much gratitude for this hippy chick, she leaned forward and kissed Willow's cheek. "Thank you so much, Willow. For everything. You've been so...so great."

Willow returned the favor, and Jackie grinned, too happy to be weirded out by a girl kissing her cheek.

"I'm so glad that I met you, Jackie. You're so special. Don't ever forget that, okay?"

Jackie giggled. "Okay." She paused. "You've dreamt about that kiss, haven't you?"

Willow laughed and retook Jackie's hand. "Come on, sweetie. We're having a singalong."

Jackie allowed Willow to tug her off, and overcome with giddiness, she coaxed Willow into skipping with her.

Steven loved her again. Maybe he'd never stopped.

Life was beautiful!

_I'm sick and tired of hearing things _

To Hyde's disgust, as soon as Jackie and Willow scurried of, the fruitcake came up to him. He took out a cigarette and lit up. Hopefully the nicotine would keep him from pummeling the bastard. He went Zen as Shawn didn't say a word, only gave him what Hyde supposed he thought was a scathing look. "You got something to say?"

Shawn crossed his arms. "Jackie looks happy today. Did you drug her?"

Hyde took a drag, then exhaled in Shawn's direction. "Yeah. Gave her some special stuff." He grinned. "Me. Nothing makes the girl higher." He took another drag. "She goes crazy for me."

Shawn raised both eyebrows. "So you're back together, is that it?"

Hyde nodded. "Yep." He took a step forward, his free fist clenching, his Zen faltering. He couldn't help remembering how this bastard had constantly looked at Jackie. "So you better keep your hands and eyes to yourself."

Shawn chuckled. "Oh yeah?" He took a step towards Hyde. "So, what are you gonna do when Jackie brings up marriage? Head to Vegas again? Look for another stripper?"

Hyde stared at him. What the hell? Heat spread under his skin. Jackie must have spilled her guts to this asshole. His stomach tightened. _Damn it, Jackie, you have such a fucking big mouth! _He dropped his cigarette, and took another step towards fruit boy. "Shut the hell up. You know nothing about that."

"You're not good enough for her, _Steven_. You don't love her. If you did, you'd treat her better. You'd want to marry her."

It was all Hyde could do to remain in his place, to keep some semblance of Zen on his face, to keep the churning in his stomach and the plummeting of whatever lived in his chest at bay. He spoke softly and slowly, his clenched jaw making it hard to form words. "You don't know how I feel about Jackie, _Shawny- boy, _so stop talking."

_You don't know how you feel about Jackie, either, Hyde, so why don't you stop talking? Hell, maybe the freak is right. Are you really good enough for her? If she brings up commitment, aren't you going to panic and get drunk until she gives up? How do you know you won't this time? Is hot sex really going to do it? You had hot sex before, remember. And you still broke her heart. _

He shook his head.

Shawn scoffed. "Right. You make it pretty apparent how you feel about her, Hyde. Talking to her like she's stupid, making fun of her, doing things purposely to hurt her. You know, just because you get jealous when other guys notice her doesn't mean you're in love with her. Why don't you just admit it? She bugs you and you can't stand her. You don't love her."

"Steven?"

Hyde tossed his cigarette away, his eyes still on the smug bastard who'd just cut way too close to home. He felt Jackie take his hand, and he took a deep breath before looking at her. "Hey baby," he said, forcing a grin.

She smiled at him and moved in front of him, wrapping her tiny arms around him. "Can we stay for the singalong? They're gonna sing John Lennon songs, and I want to sing 'Love'." She pouted. "Pwwease?"

He rolled his eyes, but shrugged, ignoring the pointed look the son of a bitch was giving him over Jackie's shoulder. "Fine, but I'm not singing. And as soon as you hear that song, we're going."

She gave him that shining smile of hers and a peck to the cheek, then grabbed his hand and led him off. Hyde glanced over his shoulder and flashed a smirk to Shawn. He told himself that Shawn didn't know him, had no idea what he was talking about, was completely wrong about his feelings for Jackie.

He followed his chick, and a pit opened wide in his stomach, sucking everything (including whatever it was, a heart or whatever, in his chest) down.

Funny how someone who didn't know him at all knew him so damn well.

_No short haired, yellow bellied, son of tricky dicky is gonna_

_mother hubbard soft soap me _

"Imagine all the people sharing all the world. You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will be as one."

Hyde stood behind Jackie, his arms around her waist. Her head leaned back and rested on his shoulder as the group sang John Lennon's greatest anthem. He heard Jackie's voice, low and off key, yet sweet. He closed his eyes. There was something inside of him for her; he knew it. But love? He swallowed and opened his eyes, blinking rapidly.

Jackie turned and smiled up at him. "Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can." She patted his sides. "Come on, Steven, sing just a little bit. You know you want to." She stood on her toes and kissed his chin. "For John."

He rolled his eyes and sighed, but at the next chorus, joined in. "Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will live as one."

He kissed her, touching her lips softly, moving her mouth gently and savoring her taste.

"Hey guys, I'm sorry to interrupt."

The kiss broke, and Hyde looked at Willow. He was half-tempted to growl something rude at her. Kissing was good. He didn't think when he was kissing Jackie. Nothing mattered when he was kissing Jackie.

"I need a favor, and I'm sure you'll want to do it." Willow grinned at Hyde. "Shawn's being a complete jerk, and I want to have something to bug him about." She held up a pair of keys. "So, will you go fool around in our van?"

Hyde raised an eyebrow. "Hell, yeah!" And to his pleasure, Jackie had a wicked gleam in her eye as she gave him that smile, the one that said she was up for just about anything. He licked his lips while she agreed. This was his kind of burn, one that burned Shawn and gave him an extreme amount of pleasure. Hell yeah.

And as they made their way to the van, he thanked God for Willow.

_Just give me some truth _

Jackie watched Steven as the cab stopped at a light. He was dozing, his head back on the seat and his eyes closed, sunglasses hooked on his shirt. His hand rested on her thigh, and she glanced down at it. That hand, and it's partner, had done so many amazing things to her just a few hours ago in that van. Her gaze returned to his face, the slightly parted lips that had kissed her into submission, set her soul into a fiery rapture, then soothed her after the ecstasy ended and faded. The eyes that had looked at her like she was a goddess he'd thought existed only in his fantasies.

Her heart skipped a beat, her soul melted, and she lay her head on his shoulder. She put her hand over his and lightly traced each of his strong fingers. Her eyes fluttered closed.

Steven loved her. She knew it. It was in his touch and his kiss and his eyes, in everything he did. And she hoped he'd find the strength to tell her soon.

_All I want is the truth _

The sex was hot, and amazing, and by all rights, it should have erased that fruitcake's words from Hyde's mind. Jackie was naked and curled up next to him, her hand rubbing low on his stomach. All he should be thinking about was the fact that in another few minutes, her touch was going to reignite him, and they'd start the heat all over again.

But what he was thinking about was that damned comment. _You don't love her. If you did, you'd treat her better. You'd want to marry her_. Stupid son of a bitch. What the hell did he know?

_So, what are you gonna do when Jackie brings up marriage? Head to Vegas again? Look for another stripper? _

He shook his head. No. No. Of course not. He'd handled it much differently. This time, he was prepared for it. It wouldn't freak him out. Hell, he'd been married.

But the pit was still in his gut, and everything still felt like it was sinking. His head still felt cloudy and hot.

Jackie sat up just enough so she could look at him, and her small hand slid up to his chest. "God, Steven, this is so amazing," she cooed, following with a soft kiss to his mouth. "I could so get used to this. I can't wait till we can do this everyday."

Hyde tried to smile, though the pit was now twice as big, his head five times as hot. He gripped her back, hoping he wasn't holding her quite as tensely as he thought he might be. "Yeah," he managed. His voice sounded like a stranger's.

She was going to want to get married. Soon. And he'd have to...he'd...he'd just...

_Head to Vegas and find a stripper? Again? _

She didn't appear to notice, she kissed him again, then looked at him with shining eyes, flushed cheeks, her look of completely adoration. "Steven," she said, her voice now softer. Her hand touched his cheek. "I love you so much."

He met her eyes and saw the hope, the need, and he wanted to look away. He wanted to look away, to keep looking, to say what she so wanted to hear. He wanted to get out of it, he wanted to come through for her. He wanted to do anything but to tell her the truth. "Jackie," he said, his hand sliding up her back to her neck, under her messy mane of hair. "I..just...I..." He swallowed.

"No, it's okay, Steven," she interrupted. "If you're not ready, you don't have to say it." She smiled genuinely. "I can wait."

She lay back down and cuddled to him, her head again on his chest.

He should have said nothing, but he spoke.

"Look, Jackie, the thing is that I'm just...Look, I feel something for you, okay? Something strong. I just don't..." He shook his head. Damn it, why was she pushing? Again? A bit of anger flushed him, and he snapped the last part. "I still don't know if it's love, okay?"

She said nothing. She didn't move. Her hand on his belly stilled. It felt as if she was holding her breath.

He was holding his breath, too.

And then she sat up, then she climbed on top of him. Then she smiled and stroked his cheek. Even her eyes were normal, no sign of hurt or anger. "Its okay, Steven," she whispered.

He frowned. "Jackie..."

"No, it is."

She began kissing his neck, and he closed his eyes. The heat started and quickly spread as she kept kissing him, as her hand moved lower than his stomach, and he groaned. He pressed her closer to him and rubbed her backside. "Jackie..."

"Its fine, Steven. I understand. Now, lets just not talk for awhile. I want to..."

After she finished her whisper in his ear, he flipped her to her back and kissed her hard.

And all the while, he kept telling himself that it was okay, that she meant it.

Later, when she was sleeping, he watched her. He managed to convince himself that she wouldn't have slept with him if she'd been upset. He convinced himself that things would be fine; they'd hang out, make out, and see what happened. He convinced himself that in a little while, he'd find the truth, and then tell her, and they'd keep on doing this stuff.

He convinced himself that maybe it would work.


	15. How

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Author's Note: **I'm really sorry for the delay! My computer crashed not once, but twice. Now it seems to be working, so hopefully my fics will be back on track. This chapter is long, but I had to get it all in this one chapter. The song is absolutely perfect for where Jackie and Hyde are at this point. (Happy ending coming in about two or three chapters!) Thank you SO much for reading this, and reviewing! I really, REALLY appreciate it. Enjoy!

**Warning: **Language

**Imagine **

**How **

_How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm facing? _

The sun woke Jackie up, though as usual, it didn't disturb Steven. For a long few minutes, she lay next to him and watched him sleep. He had such a youth in him while he slept; such a precious and sweet innocence he'd long abandoned, or rather, hadripped from him. She pressed her fingertips to his chest, careful to keep her touch light, and felt the easy rhythm of his heart. If only everything was so easy for him.

Like loving her. Like knowing he loved her. Because he did, of course. He had to. He just...had to.

_Doesn't he? _

Holding back tears and a sob, she got out of bed and took hurried steps to the bathroom. She closed the door, then stood in front of the mirror. She smiled, but a second later let it go. "He loves me," she whispered as she picked up her brush and started to calm her messy locks. But instead of counting to one hundred like she normally did, she found herself playing a childhood game, albeit with brush strokes intstead of flower petals. "He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not."

_How do you know? He keeps saying he doesn't know. Still. Even now, he doesn't know. _

The brush slipped from her hand and bounced off her toe. She winced, closed her eyes, but couldn't restrain some of the tears. They slid down her cheeks in chilling parallel lines, and she shivered.

_"I still don't know if its love, okay?" _

Her head bowed. She let herself cry. He'd sounded so sure of his unncertainty. Almost angry, and that was always how he sounded when he was being honest.

Her eyes squeezed closed tighter. But how could he honestly think that and yet still love her the way he had last night?

Goosebumps broke out all over her arms. His touch had gone from fire to silk, back and forth all night long. He'd whispered in her ear, her name, her nickname, a few "you're so hots" and "I want you so much", a few "oh gods". He'd looked at her with that look, the almost disbelieving look, the one that screamed desire and passion and...

Love.

She opened her eyes, lifted her head and glared at her tear-streaked self in the unforgiving mirror. "This is ridiculous," she grumbled. Straightening her shoulders, she shook her hair off her shoulders and wiped her eyes. No. She was not going to let Steven's misguided doubt ruin what was happening between them. She'd convince him, break down his walls for good. She smirked and grabbed a bath towel, placing it on the closed toilet seat before starting to undress. He loved her, otherwise his eyes wouldn't have glowed the blue heat they had while he was inside her. He wouldn't have pleaded with God for half an hour straight if he didn't love her.

She'd convince him. She would. She could and she would. She had to.

She wrapped the towel around herself.

_And yourself? Are you going to convince yourself? _

She shook her head and turned to the bathroom door. Putting on her sexiest smile, she opened it and took a step out into the bedroom. "Steven," she said loudly. He was awake but still lying down, and he rolled his head towards her. She licked her lips. "I need you to wash my back. And..." She raised her eyebrows and arched her back, and he sat up, grinning. A shot of courage, of confidnce, ran up and down her spine. "Other places."

He was out of the bed faster than she'd ever seen him move.

_How can I go forward into something I'm not sure of? _

Hyde stood by the tree he'd come to think of as his and watched as Jackie said goodbye to the hippy girls who for whatever reason seemed to love her. He rolled his eyes. He'd let her talk him into stopping by Central Park to say another goodbye to Willow, and now it looked like she was going to take forever and a day. He lit a cigarette and watched Jackie and Willow, and he couldn't help but smile a bit. Until Willow caught his eye. He frowned, and of course, she just smiled.

He turned away and took a long drag on the cigarette. Jackie. He'd heard her crying this morning after the shower seduction, after they'd returned to the bed. She'd tried to stifle it in her pillow, but he'd heard. And he knew what it was about. Since they'd left the hotel, she'd been quiet, unnaturally so. He kicked at the grass a few times until he succeeded in making a divot. Yeah. Destruction was good. Especially at moments like this one, when he couldn't figure out what the hell to do or what the hell to say to her, to keep her without lying to her.

"Hyde."

He didn't turn, but Willow appeared in front of him. He sighed and tossed his cigarette away. "Yeah?"

Willow smiled, but it was hesitant. "Just wanted to say goodbye." She looked around him, and Hyde knew she was looking at Jackie, because her slight smile fell. "Jackie doesn't seem as happy as she was yesterday."

There was no accusation in her voice, but it was an accusation anyway. Of course it was. It always was. He shifted on his feet and crossed his arm, giving Willow a hard look. "She's fine, man. She's just..." He shrugged and grinned, nodding his head at her. "She's just sad about leaving you, you know, since you're her new best friend." He watched, oddly fascinated, as Willow looked at Jackie. Funny how she looked at her, not just a lusting look, but a genuine appreciation for Jackie was there, and something turned in his stomach. No one had given Jackie that look much lately, least of all her alleged best friend Donna. "Hey, look. I just want to say..." He rolled his eyes. "I mean, Jackie's not had much luck with friends lately, and..." Willow's eyebrows were raised, and he again rolled his eyes, again turned away from her. "Forget it, man."

"Hyde, you don't have to thank me," she said, appearing in front of him once again.

"I'm not, man, I'm just...whatever." He dug in his jacket for his pack of Marlboros and pulled one out. He could see her smile knowingly, and he wanted to say something nasty to her just to make that knowing go away, but couldn't think of anything. Instead, he focused on lighting the cigarette.

"Okay, Hyde. Whatever you say." She looked at Jackie again. "Look, I know you're confused."

He glared at her, but didn't say anything. Damn it, where had all his words gone?

"But I think you love Jackie."

He looked away, at Jackie, and his stomach clenched. "You do, huh?"

_Damn it, am I hoping that this hippy chick who doesn't know me will convince me that I love Jackie? Fuck, what is WRONG with me? _

She nodded and stepped closer to him, put her hand on his arm. And for some reason, he didn't shake her off.

"Just trust how you feel when you're with Jackie, or when you're thinking about her. You'll figure it out."

He almost laughed.

According to Willow, the answer to the problem was the biggest problem of all.

_How can I go forward when I don't know what I'm facing? _

The plane began to move and Jackie closed her eyes. Going home to Point Place, to bad best friends, to two of her ex-boyfriends, to a crappy job, and to her regular life. Back to normal.

"Hey."

She opened her eyes and turned to her left. Steven sat there, staring straight ahead as if he hadn't said anything at all. She smiled. "What?"

He swallowed, then again, and she noticed his hands gripping the ends of the arm rests rather tightly. "Nothing." He shrugged and didn't look at her. "Just wanted to see if you were sleeping or whatever."

She wanted to laugh at him, wanted to tease him about being so transparent, but instead, she just put her hand over his. "Better?"

He grunted, didn't look at her, but turned his hand over and laced his fingers with hers.

Jackie sighed, but her smile faded as she laid her head back on the seat. Home to something new with Steven. maybe. Maybe not. Maybe things would be different this time. Maybe they wouldn't.

Her eyes closed again, and Willow's last comment replayed itself in her head, in her ears. _"Just don't go backwards to stay with him, Jackie. Neither of you deserve that."_ He'd been sweet today. But it was New York. His friends weren't around. He was still high off the sex. She wasn't asking anything much of him. Things were easy. They wouldn't be in Point Place.

Her stomach hurt. Flares of fire beat against her temples, and she winced. Would he remember all he'd said here? All he'd felt? All she'd said and felt? Would he really be able to change, to try with her? She'd given him so many chances. And he still didn't know.

She opened her eyes as the plane began to rise. Steven's hand tightened on hers, and she squeezed back, but looked out the window. Her aching stomach began to sink just as a thought began to fly free in her head. She tried to push it aside, to forget it. But it was there.

_If he still doesn't know, will he ever know? _

_How can I have a feeling when I don't know if its a feeling? _

Hyde tapped his fingers on his knee. Half an hour into the fight, Jackie had gone quiet. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see that she was reading a magazine. He glanced over, and the title was "Love: How to Get, Nurture, and Keep It." He swallowed and looked away, staring across the aisle and out the window at nothing but blue.

He figured whoever wrote the article thought they knew what love was but probably didn't. Hell, he figured no one really knew what love was.

He sure as hell didn't.

_Sometimes I feel I've had enough _

She tried to sleep, her head nestled against the window. But she couldn't stop thinking.

_Last time he didn't know, I went back to him. And then he ran off to Las Vegas and got married. That could happen again. _

_How can I feel something if I don't know how to feel? _

He needed to touch her, so he put his right hand on her thigh. _"Just trust how you feel when you're with Jackie." _

He shook his head, his eyes closed.

_How the hell do I know how I feel? Christ, the only thing I know I feel is her thigh. _

_Sometimes I feel I've had enough _

His hand felt amazing on her thigh, and the way he stroked her...

_He always called me shallow. He always told people he never listened to me. He didn't care about how I felt, and..._

She closed her eyes, begging the tears to go away.

_He cheated on me instead of telling me how he felt about Michael. _

_That could happen again. _

_How can I have feelings when they've always been denied? _

He shifted in his seat, still gripping her thigh.

Feelings. What a load of shit.

Red always told him to keep them bottled up. And he did. He'd gotten damn good at it. It was the right thing to do.

He'd learned that.

His mother never gave a damn about his feelings, and Bud, then Red, would have given him either a knock to the head or a foot in the ass had he expressed any sort of feeling.

And now he was supposed to just ooze forth feelings, just because Jackie wanted him to? How in the hell could he do that?

He took his hand off her thigh.

Damn it, why couldn't she just accept him the way he was?

He closed his eyes. Fuck. He wanted to know. He wanted to. For her.

_I just can't. I just fucking can't. _

_Sometimes I feel I've had enough _

Jackie shivered when he took his hand off her thigh, but didn't open her eyes, didn't turn to protest.

_He flaunted other girls...Sam...in front of me. _

_That could happen again. _

_How can I give love when I don't know what it is I'm giving? _

Hyde took a sip of his soda. She'd said the other day he'd never cared about her feelings.

She was right, sort of. He'd cared, he'd just never...shown it.

_God, why did she even stay with me? What did she get out of it? _

_Sometimes I feel I've had enough _

_Remember the way he looked at your mother? Then, and just a few days ago? Remember how he called Brooke hot? Remember how he'd looked at all the girls who came along, including Donna? _

_Yeah. That WILL happen again. _

Jackie pursed her lips, struggling to not cry, and turned her head into the pillow.

_How can I give love when I just don't know how to give? _

He heard a muffled sob, and he wanted to hold her, but how could he?

He'd just screw it up again. Somehow. He'd say or do something wrong. He always did. Like that time her father went to jail. She needed him, and he couldn't say a damn thing to make her feel better.

He'd never be that guy. He just didn't know how to without losing part of himself.

_Sometimes I feel I've had enough _

She couldn't breathe well, but Jackie didn't move her face from the pillow.

_He couldn't see a future with me. Has that changed? If I start asking, will he say I don't know? _

_Yeah. _

_He will. _

_How can I give love when love is something I ain't never had? _

He looked at Jackie, curled up against the wall of the plane, and swallowed hard. All he wanted in this stupid moment was to hold her and not think, not analyze.

And so, he reached for her.

She came willingly, surprising him, and nestled her face into his shoulder. He rubbed her shoulder.

_Man, she loved me. She still loves me, even after everything. _

He looked down at her head and smiled, but then didn't.

_Yeah. And then you'll screw it up again and she won't love you. What happens then? What happens if she meets some perfect guy and realizes that she never loved you? What then, Hyde? _

_Sometimes I feel I've had enough _

She let him cuddle her, and his scent, his warmth, the feel of his heart beating fast underneath her ear coaxed her into banishing the doubt.

_I can love him enough. It won't matter. I can. I will. I can make him so happy he'll break eventually. He doesn't know what love is? I'll show him, and then he'll realize...then he'll be sure...then he'll be able to tell me that he loves me. _

And then she remembered the last blow.

He'd married another woman, and stayed married to that other woman. He'd said marriage wasn't bad. Called her a bitch, a slut. Suggested she go after Bob or a garden gnome. Watched her fall in a creek and laughed. Told Fez to call her ugly on the outside.

He'd hurt her.

She couldn't love him enough to make up for him not knowing. She couldn't wait for him to figure it out. If he still didn't know, after everything, after New York, he was never going to know.

She wanted to cry, and would have, had her eyes not dried up.

She'd cry later.

Right now, she'd just stay here in his arms.

For the last time.

_How can we go forward when we don't know which way we're facing? _

The drive from Chicago to Point Place was calm and quiet, with only a few conversations that lasted longer than two minutes. It left Hyde disconcerted, and as he pulled into the parking lot of Jackie's apartment building, his stomach grated, and his skin burned as if he was sweating.

Desperation, he supposed.

He shifted into park and looked at her, giving her a smile. "So, hey, you wanna hang out tonight?"

And for the first time in years, a decade, probably, he found himself praying, begging God, or whoever supposedly filled that role.

She smiled, but it was strained, and her eyes didn't quite meet his. He reached out and took her hand, and she held his, but not as tightly as she used to, as she had just yesterday. The pain in his gut spread upward, and he had to take a deep breath.

"Actually, I'm really tired, and all I want to do is take a long bath," she said.

He grinned, but didn't feel it. Didn't feel anything, actually, the pain just evaporated into something empty. "Well, can't I take a bath with you? Or just watch?"

She giggled. "How about tomorrow, Steven?"

He nodded.

He didn't feel the kiss on the cheek she gave him. Didn't feel anything as she got out of the car, shut it, pulled her bag out of the back, then headed towards the building. When she stopped, turned, and looked back at him, her face void of everything excpet a sadness he recognized well, he looked away.

He closed his eyes.

If he didn't figure this out tonight, it was gonna be over. For good.

_How can we go forward into something we're not sure of? _

_The next day, Grooves _

Jackie twisted her hands together, her stomach rolling down hill after hill, her breath first sticking in her chest the escaping in a rough rush. Steven sat down behind his desk in the office and looked at her, his glasses on, expression Zen. She tried to smile. Now or never, the moment she'd planned all night long. The moment she'd dreaded all night long. She cleared her throat, but soreness stayed, and she hoped she'd be able to speak. "I love you, Steven," she said. Her shoulder raised. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone." She smiled sadly, her heart aching from the truth of her words. "I'll never love anyone the way I love you, and no one will ever love you the way I do."

She looked down, but heard Steven's calm, chillled voice.

"But..."

Tears filling her eyes, she looked back up, straight at him, and tried to stand taller though she felt so tiny. "I cant be with you if you don't know how you feel about me," she answered, the words rapid and unsteady.

The declaration was met with silence, and Jackie was tempted to turn and leave, leaving it at that. But Steven stood, took his glasses off, and to her surprise, looked angry. He stepped around the desk and began pacing.

"Why do you have to know right this second, Jackie?" He turned to her and gave her a withering look, and she took a step backwards. "I need some time, okay? You know, a lot of shit happened between us, Jackie, and I know you probably don't get this, but you're not the only one who got burned."

It broke her temper, and she flushed. She stepped towards him, now returning his glare with her own. "You MARRIED someone else, Steven! I'd say that sure as hell tops whatever I did!" She shook her head and waved her hand at him. "Look, it doesn't matter. The fact is that if you don't know that you love me by now, you're never gonna know. And say I do wait, and then you realize down the line that you don't love me, what then? What am I supposed to do then, Steven?" He'd stopped pacing, and she started, the agony inside releasing through slow moving tears. "I can't go through that again. It almost killed me before."

He snorted. "Yeah. You seemed so broken up about it."

She whirled at him and gave him a smirk. "I hid it. You taught me well, didn't you?"

Nothing.

She took a deep breath and closed the few feet between them. Her heart was racing, but she was surprised that her hands, when she reached out to put them on his crossed arms, weren't shaking. "Steven," she said, speaking softly. He looekd at her, Zen again. "You've always wanted me to be with you on your terms. And I have, haven't I?" He looked away, and she took that as a yes. "I can't do it anymore without you giving me something back. Without you loving me back."

He pulled away and walked to the window. "Why can't you just wait, Jackie?"

His voice was hoarse and thin, more so than she'd ever heard it before, and it broke her heart. She went to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, laying her head on his back, wishing to God there was another way, that she could spare this for him. Wishing to God she could do exactly what he asked. Wishing to God she could survive the reprecussions of it just to make him feel better. "I wish I could," she said as the tears began to gush. "God, Steven, if I thought I could, I would. I love you so much, but I just..." She shook her head, closing her eyes, holding him. "I just can't, Steven." She whispered it again. "I just can't."

He pulled away from her again and went to his desk, sitting down as if nothing was wrong, nothing was going on, nothing was affecting him at all.

Except he didn't look at her. He stared at some papers on the desk.

"Fine."

She wanted more from him, anything more, and for a few moments stood there waiting. When nothing came and Steven began shuffling papers, she smiled as best she could, rubbed the wetness from her cheeks, and left him for the last time.

She stopped just outside the door she closed behind her and bowed her head, her eyes closed tightly.

Soon there would be relief. At least she prayed so.

_Oh no, Oh no_

When the door closed behind her, Hyde stopped messing with the papers and stared at the door. So that was it. It was over and done with, never to be revisited again. New York had been some sort of closure, or a long, drawn out goodbye, or whatever, and he was rid of her and her pressure for good.

He picked up his glasses and studied them. Funny, he'd thought they helped him. Thought the Zen protected him. Thought never revealing anything kept everything safe. And the glasses represented all that.

They'd cost him an awful lot.

He stood, still looking at the glasses, then with a grimace, dropped them to the floor. He watched himself step on them with the boots she'd once bought him. Again, this time with the heel. Again and again and again and again and again until they were ruined.

After his breathing slowed, and thoroughly disgusted with himself, he stalked out of the office, only to stop cold when he got to the register of the store.

There she was, standing near the listening pit and chatting it up with some guy who looked vaguely like Kelso.

He rolled his eyes, his stomach plummeting, his head aching. Shouldn't be too surprised. She was the same old Jackie, pulling out the same old tricks. Jealousy was her weapon of choice, and he waited for her to look back to see if he was there.

He counted backwards from ten, but she didn't look back, so he counted back again.

The guy was writing something down, her phone number Hyde imagined, and he shifted on his feet, his hands forming fists.

She didn't look back, and then she left, with the freak dressed in a quite Fez-like outfit.

Hyde turned, shaking his head.

Enough of this shit.

He headed to the office again, figuring he'd climb out the window.

And then he'd go somewhere and get as drunk as humanly possible.


	16. Cold Turkey

**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

**Warning: **Language

**Author's Note: **I have no excuse for taking so freaking long to update. There's one or two chapters left of this and they will be posted soon. I'm so sorry for letting this go. I hope you'll finish it and enjoy it! The reviews mean so much to me - thank you to everyone who reads and reviews, because you guys have inspired me to finish this one. Enjoy!

**Imagine **

**Cold Turkey **

_My feet are so heavy, so is my head. _

Hyde glared at the notebook he held, then back at Forman, who'd just shoved it at him. He'd only taken it in self-defense – Forman kept moving it and the movement two feet from his eyes wasn't cool when he had such a damn hangover. "What the hell is this?"

He read Forman's scribbled words. Some crap about knowing he loved Donna when he realized he wanted to be a better person for her and it didn't make him sick. Hyde rolled his eyes. Forman grinned smugly at him, and he wanted to punch the smirk gone. He couldn't find the energy to get up and do it. Couldn't find any energy, actually.

His body felt stiff and heavy. Dead. He vaguely remembered wishing he waws last night; why, he hadn't the foggiest. It had been a good night. Beer and pot. More beer, more pot, food. More beer. And more. Then a bottle of Jack Daniels just for a treat.

"You asked me last night how I knew I loved Donna," Forman nodded at the notebook and sat back on the couch, stretching his arm over the back of it. "I wrote it down for you because I knew you wouldn't remember today. Damn, you were drunk, Hyde."

Hyde grimaced and tossed the notebook to the table. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the television. The voices irritated his head, attacked the pain like a grater worked cheese. Hell. He'd been exposed to more annoying voices. Jackie's. And at closer range. "Why would I ask you that?"

"Oh, I know that too. You said you have to figure out whether or not you love Jackie or you're gonna be without her and die alone 'cause you'll never want anyone else."

Hyde whipped his head to the left and paid for it with a sharp shot of pain through his forehead. Doing his best not to wince, he cleared his throat. "I never said that."

Forman grinned again. "You did. Over and over again." He furrowed his brow and pointed at Hyde. "You, my friend, are a repetitive drunk."

Hyde snorted and turned his attention back to the t.v. "Whatever, man," he said. He wanted to say more, like a catagorical denial. But his throat closed. His mouth wouldn't move. What Forman said sounded familiar.

And that made his head ache even more.

"Do you wanna know what I think?"

On the t.v., a brunette chick was flirting with some fruitcake. Hyde tapped his fingers on his knee. He watched as the chick smiled and cajoled, rubbed her hand over the idiot's chest and pressed herself into him. And he wondered if Jackie was doing that very thing to that asshole she'd picked up in his store. HIS store, for Christ's sake.

Damn, his head hurt. He lowered his forehead, rested it in his hand. His eyes closed, and he pleaded silently with whatever was out there that it would ease up. Soon.

"I think you..."

"I don't wanna know what you think," Hyde snapped, reluctantly lifting his head and shooting Forman a glare. He stood up. Wished he hadn't, but no hangover was going to turn him into some wuss who sat around with his best friend talking about girls and feelings and all that crap. "So just shut the hell up, alright?"

He headed for his room. Sleep sounded like heaven. What in the hell had he been thinking getting up so early?

"Hey Hyde, wait."

He stopped and turned, for what reason he didn't know. Nothing much made sense this morning. "What, Forman?"

Forman stood and tossed the notebook to him, and again in self-defense, Hyde caught it.

"You might wanna keep that. You know, since you asked and all."

Rolling his eyes, Hyde continued to his room.

Later, unable to sleep, he sat on the cot and glared at the notebook he'd dropped on the floor. Yeah. Like anything Forman had to say would be helpful. Like it even really mattered anymore. Jackie wasn't waiting around.

He closed his eyes. Besides, Forman's advice had no relevance. He'd never wanted to be a better man for Jackie. He'd never wished he could say the right thing. He'd never felt so guilty about cheating he truly believed he'd earned eternity in hell. He'd never put on a suit and tried to be corporate in part to please her. Never considered maybe deciding marriage wasn't the life-ender he'd always known it to be.

No. None of that.

He sat up and shook his head, his hands balling into fists. He wanted to punch something, anything. Preferably that Kelso-Fez wannabe's face and gut.

"Shit," he muttered, getting off his bed and purposefully stepping on the notebook. Food. That's what he needed. Food.

And then maybe a beer or five to shut up the inane, crazy thoughts that weren't going away on their own.

_Praying to someone, free me again. _

Donna looked uncomfortable and that pleased Jackie. She stood on the Forman's driveway, arms crossed as she watched her former best friend struggle with what to say, and she had to work to keep back a triumphant smile. Donna deserved it. In fact, awkward was the least of what she should feel after the way she'd acted.

"So, uh, how was New York?"

Jackie raised an eyebrow. "I thought you had something to say to me, Donna." When Donna rolled her eyes, she shrugged. "Fine. I'll just talk to you later. I need to talk to Ste...someone." Her cheeks flushed against her will and she prayed that Donna was too distracted to notice.

Apparently she was, because she stepped forward, now bearing an apologetic look. "Look, Jackie," she said. Her voice softened. "I'm really sorry about how I've treated you the past few months." The apologetic look morphed into a grin. "Though you have to admit that you haven't been sunshine, either."

Jackie stared, her stomach twisting, her temples throbbing. "Really." She swallowed and stepped forward, her shoulders tightening and rising. She kept her eyes locked on Donna's. "It could be because my boyfriend drunkenly married a stranger and picked her over me. It could be because my best friend then chose to become _her_ best friend. Or maybe it could be that my mother came back, stayed for two seconds and then left again." She took a deep breath. Her heart beat faster, her voice rose. She really wanted to slap Donna. "Then again, maybe it was that my new boyfriend announced he was gay. Or maybe it was all of that. And you know what, Donna?" Tears filled her eyes and held steady. She would not let them fall. "You weren't there for me through any of it."

She turned.

"Jackie, wait, come on."

She whirled around, not bothering to try to keep the tears in. Why bother? "You wanna know what happened in New York? Well, one thing that happened was that I met someone who was a better friend to me in five days than you've been for a least two years." She nodded, feeling stronger, feeling a release she hadn't realized she'd longed for. Donna stared back at her looking dumbstruck. And it made Jackie laugh.

She turned and stalked towards the Forman's house. When she got to the sliding glass door, she stopped. Steven was inside, at the counter obviously fixing some food. Her breath caught in her throat.

"Jackie?"

Now Donna sounded wounded. Jackie shook her head. It wasn't worth it, not right now, not when she knew Donna hadn't truly gotten it. "See ya, Donna."

She wiped her eyes and pressed her lips together, then opened the door. Steven looked up, and she stopped midstep. She tried not to gasp.

He smirked. "What? Are you surprised to see me?"

She shook her head and slowly walked towards him. He looked horrible. His skin was pale, almost grey, with a weird greenish tint. His eyes were swollen, red-rimmed. And puffy underneath them. She'd seen him hungover, and he always looked bad, but this was horrible. "Steven," she said hoping her voice kept steady. "You look..." His glare made her cough her sentence short. "I mean, where are your glasses?"

She put a hand on one of the stools. Funny how he still left her weak in the knees after everything. Her heart was wild now. She had to keep swallowing to keep her breathing silent.

He shrugged and poured milk into a bowl. "They had an accident."

Jackie smiled and studied him. Even though he looked ill, he was still hot. The stubble, the eyes, the everything. "I like it when you don't wear them," she said, as if he didn't know it.

But when his head shot up, his eyes went to ice on her, she looked down.

"Stop it, Jackie."

She frowned and looked back at him. "Steven," she said. "Look, I just wanted to be sure that there isn't anything you want to say to me. You know, I mean, its been awhile, and I thought maybe you'd thought of something."

She'd thought about it all night. How she should give him a little time, and maybe it would sink in for him. That maybe she'd get lucky this time and it wouldn't take her leaving town for him to get it.

He didn't look up. He began to eat his cereal. It was as if she hadn't said a word.

Her stomach hurt, the kind of hurt where there was nausea but it wouldn't come up. She swallowed hard, forced back the fresh round of tears, and nodded. "Fine then. Just...just thought I'd ask."

"Are you going out with that guy?"

Jackie stopped mid-turn just as her heart stopped as well. For that moment, she was dizzy and thought she'd fall, but she managed to turn back and steady herself with the stool. "What?"

He still wasn't looking at her, his attention still on the bowl. "That guy who picked you up at Grooves yesterday."

How did he know? She licked her lips and gripped the stool with both hands. "Yes," she said, her stomach plummeting or rising; she was too confused to tell which. Was this a good thing? Would he react jealously? She hadn't accepted the date to make him jealous, but if it was a side effect...And if he was jealous, then it meant he truly did feel for her. It was a good thing. Sometimes his jealously was the only thing she had to gauge his feelings. Maybe this was one of those times.

He looked up, and her hope deflated. He looked passive. Not even Zen, when she knew he was covering something up. He looked empty.

"Maybe he'll be the right guy," he said. Even his voice was empty of all clues.

The tears burned now and she blinked quickly, repeatedly. "Maybe," she agreed just above a whisper.

And she turned to leave. No use staying and pursuing a hopeless course.

But he was behind her, his hand on her elbow, and she stopped just as she was reaching for the door.

"Jackie."

She turned. "Steven?"

Their eyes met, and for a second or two, as his mouth opened to speak, then closed, she thought she saw into him. She thought she saw his pain, his doubt. She wondered if he wanted to ask her if she really loved him. If he'd really been a terrible boyfriend. If he'd really broken her heart as badly as she'd said.

If she could ever truly forgive him.

If he should try to forgive himself.

If he should try with her one more time, after everything.

And she couldn't breathe.

"Just...was I really..."

He stopped, and Jackie stepped closer to him. He was still holding her elbow, and her entire body was warm, hot really, from that small touch. "What, Steven? Were you what?"

Then it was over. He chuckled and let go of her, backed up. Shook his head. "Nothing. Never mind. Just a little hungover, you know?"

He turned his back to her but didn't walk away. Jackie wanted to hug him, to press her cheek against his shoulder blades, wrap her arms around him and clutch at his stomach, but she couldn't move. She cleared her throat. "Steven, are you okay?"

She heard him snort. And when he spoke, his voice was cold and choppy.

"Nothing a case of beer won't cure."

He walked out, the door to the living room swinging behind him.

Jackie bowed her head. Why couldn't she just give the hell up?

_Temperature's rising, fever is high _

Hyde wasn't sure what had started it; what had driven both him and Jackie to this point, this stand-off. She stood in front of the lawn chair, hands on her hips and her cheeks flushed. He stood in front of his chair, his fingers gripping and ungripping.

Must have been the incessent chatter about Jackie's date that made him pick the fight with some casual burn about her new boyfriend's sexuality. Low blow, obviously, but hell. So was jealousy, and even though it wasn't working, Hyde knew that's why she was going out with this Rob asshole. So she'd burned him back, something stupid about a whore of a wife, but it set him off.

And now he'd just called her a slut. Now he'd just told all their friends that they'd slept together in New York.

Now she was looking at him like she hated him.

Maybe this time, he'd actually done it. Severed the whole damn thing. It should be a relief.

It wasn't.

No one was saying anything. He looked down, closed his eyes, tried to breathe. He was sweating, he knew he was, and god, why the hell was it so hot down here?

"Have you ever wondered why I try to make you jealous, Steven?"

He didn't answer. Didn't look up. She sounded sad.

"Because that was the only way I had of knowing how you felt about me. If you were jealous, I knew...I knew..."

A sob broke up her words, and Hyde had to look up. She had a hand over her mouth. Her eyes were huge, on him, wet. "You knew what?" he asked, hardly hearing his own words. He thought the others were still there, but then again, maybe they weren't. He didn't care. "What did you know, Jackie?"

He wanted her to tell him that she knew he loved her. That he didn't really need to figure it out, because she knew. His stomach twisted and he pleaded with her in his mind. He wondered if she could see it in his eyes. He hoped so. Desperately.

"Eric."

A voice from the top of the stairs broke the moment, and everyone looked up. Red stood there, and oddly, was pale.

Fez groaned. "Red, please go away. We were just about to hear what Jackie knew when Hyde got jealous." He grinned at Hyde. "And then hopefully we'll get to see some make up sex."

Hyde rolled his eyes.

"I don't give a damn what you dumbasses are doing, get yourselfs upstairs now."

Hyde looked up at his pseudo-father, and for the first time ever, saw genuine fear on Red Forman's face.

Forman stood up. "What's wrong?"

Hyde watched Red's eyes dart around to each of them. And he steeled himself. This was obviously not good news.

Red swallowed, then took a deep breath. "Your mother's been in an accident."


	17. Cold Turkey Reprise

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Warning: **Language

**Author's Note: **Thanks to everyone for the amazing reviews!!! I really can't tell you how much I enjoy them or how much they mean to me. One more chapter after this one, and this story is over! Whoo hoo! Sorry about the cliffhanger last chapter - had to be done. :) Hope you enjoy this one, and happy reading!

**Imagine**

**Cold Turkey Reprise **

_My eyes are wide open, can't get to sleep_

Jackie watched Steven pace back and forth in front of the cluster of chairs. The others were calm, even Red, who sat with his eyes closed. And so she watched Steven, her stomach a mass of nerves that hurt. Kitty would be okay, the doctor said. She'd been run off the road and had some deep gashes in her leg and side that needed repair, some internal bleeding to stop, but just five minutes ago the doctor told them surgery was almost over. She would be fine.

But Steven hadn't believed him, and although he wasn't speaking, Jackie knew what he was thinking. Doctors lie. Doctors say reassuring things only to cover their asses. Doctors are hacks.

And for whatever reason, that same one that kept her always hoping, Jackie was worried more about him than anyone else, even Red.

"Steven, if you don't stop that damn pacing and sit the hell down, you're going to get a foot in the ass," Red said sharply.

Jackie looked at her surrogate father. He looked tired and stressed. She looked back at Steven, and he was glaring at Red, but then his stiffened shoulders fell. Her heart began to pound harder when he sat down in the chair next to her, hard enough that she bounced.

"Whatever," he muttered, closing his eyes and keeping his head down.

No one spoke. Eric and Donna exchanged a few looks, and more than a few times Jackie felt Donna's eyes on her. She looked down, then at Steven, and his adam's apple was going a mile a minute.

She couldn't help it. He looked lost. His foot was tapping, his fingers on his knees tapping, both at light speed. He needed her, and her breath caught in her throat. He needed her. Whether he liked it or not, he needed her. She fought back the butterflies and doubt and put her hand on his back. He tensed, but she pressed on, sliding her hand up to his neck. She began to rub gently, tiny circles she hoped reminded him of the little kisses she gave him whenever he was tense.

He looked at her, glared really, and she swallowed but didn't look away. Her eyes met his, and his seemed bloodshot though she was certain he hadn't cried.

"Don't," he said almost under his breath. "Just stop."

But he didn't pull away, and Jackie knew why. He needed her, and he knew it. His protest was just his stupid, annoying defense mechanism, and she was expert at getting around it.

She jutted her chin out. "No."

After a good thirty seconds of staredown, Steven sighed and looked away. She smiled and continued her rubbing. It always worked.

Another few minutes passed. A few people spoke, mostly to Red, questions about the weather, the Packers, Brewers, silly things. Red answered a few times, then just grunted, and the talk stopped. Fez fell asleep, his head on Michael's shoulder. Michael was also sleeping. Probably why it was so quiet.

And then she felt Steven touching her leg. She glanced down. His hand sat there curved over her leg, only the tips touching, the rest curved as if hesitant to give in. He didn't look at her when she tried to make him by staring at him, so she sighed and gave a tiny smile. Just a few seconds later, his palm met her thigh.

She closed her eyes and tried to breathe normally. Everything was so screwed up, but he still needed her when it mattered. She wondered if that meant more than his inability to say he loved her.

Then again...

She wondered if she'd always find something like this to cling to. If he'd always keep her chained to him this way, with these tiny things, all he was able to give. She wondered if he did it on purpose. Probably. And she always gave in to him. She always compromised.

Her stomach turned, and she stopped rubbing his neck. She pulled her hand away from him and wrapped her fingers around the collar of her shirt. She stared ahead, at a spot over Donna's head, tried to ignore Steven's eyes on her.

His hand left her leg and she heard him mutter something that was probably "whatever".

A doctor walked in, and everyone but the two sleepers stood up. He addressed Red with a smile. "Mr. Forman, your wife is fine," he said. "The surgery was successful, and we're taking her to recovery now."

Red nodded. "Can I see her?"

"Yes, but only for a few minutes. And only you for right now. After she's rested for awhile, any other family can take their turn."

After a silent glance and nod to Eric, Red followed the doctor out of the waiting area. Eric stretched and looked at Donna. "I'm starving," he said.

Donna nodded. "Me too."

"Lets go across the street to that diner. Bet Fez and Kelso will still be out when we get back." Eric arched an eyebrow at Steven and Jackie. "You two hungry?"

Jackie tensed when Steven released a snort. She looked at him, and his face, unmasked by glasses for a change – she still wondered what happened to them – was brewing up a storm that he was just barely able to contain. He stood, and for some reason, she did too.

"What the hell, Forman? Your mom just got out of surgery and you wanna go eat some greasy burger and fries?"

Eric stood as well and glared at Steven. Jackie had to fight the urge to grab Steven's hand and pull him away.

"She's going to be fine, Hyde," Eric snapped. "We've been worried all night, but she's going to be fine. That's a good thing. Besides," he grinned at Donna, "Mom wouldn't want me to waist away."

Steven took a step towards Eric. "Yeah, worried. You've been nuzzling Donna's neck all night and now you're going to leave while your mom's in recovery."

"We won't be able to see her for hours, Hyde." Jackie was surprised that Eric wasn't backing down from Steven's hostility. In fact, he was flushing and actually looking angry. It was odd. "You heard what the doctor said. All I'm talking about is going over there and picking something up to go. Besides, she's not your mom. She's mine."

The silence was long, and Jackie couldn't breathe. Eric began to shake his head and murmur something, his hand raising up to fend off the blow he was expecting from Steven's fist.

But Steven didn't move. And when he spoke, it was quiet. "I know."

Then he turned and stalked away.

And without thinking, without giving the dressing down both Eric and Donna deserved for just existing, Jackie turned and jogged after him. Because he needed her. Eric and Donna had each other and their fucked up sense of friendship.

He needed _her. _

_Cold turkey has got me on the run _

She'd gotten into his car and refused to get out, even when he'd hollared at her to. Of course she hadn't. She'd just stuck her chin out and screamed back. So Hyde'd started the car and drove. For about twenty minutes, he drove aimlessly, and they didn't talk. Then they'd parked near the watertower. He'd gotten out without saying a word to her. He knew she'd follow, and she did.

So now they sat there, underneath a sky that was thicker than normal, even in the dark. It started to drizzle, and he expected Jackie to start shivering and babbling about leaving, about how rain would ruin her hair. But she didn't. She was quiet. When he looked at her, she looked back, gave him a small smile and kept her eyes joined with his.

And for some reason, his heart stopped racing. The anger that had been stirred and mixed and boiled in his gut since the scene with Forman turned cool, stopped moving. He looked away and shook his head. Damn it, why did she have to calm him down? He wanted to be angry. He wanted to be violent. But he wasn't, and he couldn't. Because of her. Actually, it was kind of funny, if he thought about it. This chick drove him absolutely wild, in so many ways, not all of them good.

But she also did this, calmed him down.

He chuckled. "Guess I'm kind of overreacting," he said. Kitty was fine. Surgery was over, she was fine, she was in recovery. The worst was over. And hell. Forman was right. She wasn't his mother. It wasn't his place to act all crazy because she'd been hurt.

He felt her scoot closer to him but not all the way.

"Maybe, but I understand why," she said.

"Oh yeah?" He looked up at the sky. No stars, not even the moon because of the clouds. The rain was picking up a bit, and it felt kind of good on his face. "Why?"

"Because you love Kitty," Jackie said like it was no big deal. "Eric is a moron, and we all know it, Steven. Kitty IS your mom, and you love her, so of course you're upset that she's hurt."

"Huh." It was the only thing he could think of to say. And then he thought of Kitty. How she treated him just as well, sometimes better, than her own son. That she cried over him, worried about him, smothered him at times. How she bought him that shiny Hollywood jacket. How she did everything she did for Forman for him, too. And how he would be comletely lost if he hadn't had her in his life – how he still would. He lowered his head and nodded. "Yeah," he said, hardly hearing his own declaration. "Yeah, I guess I do love her."

He felt Jackie move closer, and his heart jumped when she put her head on his shoulder. He should shrug her off, make her stay away and keep her distance.

He couldn't. For whatever goddamned reason, he couldn't.

It was so easy to admit he loved Kitty. But Jackie...why in the hell was she such a different story?

"I've always known that, Steven," she said.

He leaned his head back against the watertower and closed his eyes. "So, know-it-all," he said lightly. "Why is it so easy for me to know that I love Kitty and not..." He cleared his throat. "Not someone else?"

She'd know what he meant. Because for whatever reason, the same one that kept him from keeping her as close as he could whenever he could, she knew him.

She sighed and her head moved slightly on his shoulder. Then stopped. "Because she's never hurt you," she answered, her voice low and gentle. "You're not afraid to love someone you know won't hurt you."

He wanted to scream at her. He wanted to tell her that she'd never hurt him, that nothing she'd ever done had ever even bothered him let alone broken him. And the words were there, the lies were on his tongue.

But he said nothing. It was pointless. She'd seen, and she knew perfectly well what she, the shallow, spoiled, rich cheerleader, had done to him.

Now she laid a hand on his leg, and his blood began to heat up.

He wondered if she'd done anything like this with her knew boy toy.

He sat up and moved a bit away from her. Her shoulder and her hand fell away from him. "You think things with this Rob guy are gonna work out?"

He wished he didn't feel like he had to hold his breath. He wished he didn't feel as if everything depended on her answer. He wished he didn't freaking care.

She sighed again, sounded like a sad one, and that made him look away. No way was she going to see his face if she was just going to tell him that she was falling in love.

"They could," she said. "He really is a great guy. We had a good time."

He whipped his head towards her. The anger was back, bursting up fast and hot like a geiser of fire. "Right, Jackie, like you're not just using this sucker to make me jealous. Two days ago you're telling me you'll never love anyone the way you love me and now you're all giddy because you had a good time with this guy. I'm supposed to buy that, right?"

She didn't look at him, but her expression remained still and calm. "I'm not, Steven. Not this time." She turned her head, and even in the darkness, he could see the shine in her eyes. Tears. Of course. "Its no use anymore. I've realized that now."

She kept talking, saying something about how she wanted to be happy, she wants to be in love, and maybe this guy will be the right one, maybe he'll be the one to make her forget him and then he won't have to worry about her games or her shallowness or any of what he found so wrong with her.

She said it all so quietly, so untearfully though her eyes were still wet, that it made Hyde's stomach and heart and mind cloud and then drop to hell.

Again, it was exactly what he should want.

And again, it was the most hellacious thing he could imagine hearing.

He stood up at the end of her little speech, feeling the heat of hell, wanting to get away from her before he started saying things that still made no sense in his head and things he didn't fucking have the words for anyway. "Good for you," he snapped as he stepped over her and began to climb down the ladder. She didn't move and he paused when he was about eye level with her. He glared. "Hope he's everything you expect him to be." He took a few steps down. "Oh, and I hope he's home tonight, cause you're going to need Mr. Wonderful to pick you up."

With that, he nearly jumped down the rest of the ladder, then turned and jogged to his car. He heard her calling his name, heard her quick steps behind her, but didn't slow down. When in the car, he looked the passenger door just as she got to it. Not her pounding, not the clap of thunder or the sound of the rain now driving hard on the windshield stopped him from starting the Camino up and tearing out of there.

Hell, he hadn't really heard any of it.

All he could hear really was Jackie saying that she wanted that bastard to make her forget it.

And God help him, it felt a million times worse than he'd felt when he'd heard Kitty was hurt.

_One thing I'm sure of I'm in at the deep freeze _

She was soaked to the skin and freezing, not to mention crying as she walked down the street. The watertower was a good two miles from her apartment building, but she'd left her purse at the hospital so she didn't have any money for a pay phone. And it was late – she wasn't going to ring anyone's doorbell. Besides, the houses in this area were nasty, not even up to the Forman's level, and she wasn't that desperate.

She walked and tried not to think about Steven, or that she'd lied to him about Rob and how great he was. She tried not to think about why she'd lied.

She'd had to. Steven wasn't going to realize his love for her now, or ever. So she'd had to. And maybe now he'd stop doing those damned little things that kept her hoping.

She noticed headlights behind her and glanced back. The car was driving slowly, and with a racing heart, she turned back and started walking faster. Her mind raced. Did she remember anything that karate guy had taught her that one time? If someone tried to snatch her, would she be able to fight him off? Oh, god, she couldn't end up one of those girls who get taken and raped and murdered then talked about as if they'd never really lived.

The car sounded like it was getting closer, and she kept her head lowered, her arms bent in around her waist.

But when it came evene with her, she couldn't help but look. The car, an El Camino, Steven's El Camino, passed her but only a little bit.

She shook her head and began to run. No way was she going to get in his car and be subject to either his jealous rants or denials, or even worse, his silence. She ran, and somewhere along the line, it felt good. Somewhere on the way, the tears stopped.

But the hint of headlights behind her never disappeared.

Before she knew it, she was home. The run was a blur – she couldn't remember most of it, but there was her building, and she slowed to a walk, panting, as she turned into the parking lot. But at the door, she turned, and there was Steven's car.

Of course. Just another stupid little thing.

She started to cry again, shoved her key into the door and rushed in.

"Damn it, Steven," she whispered on her way to her door.

She'd never be able to give up that pathetic hope.

_Praying to someone, free me again _

Red was sitting in his chair when Hyde walked into the house. He stopped, a bit surprised. "Didn't think you'd be home, Red."

Red took a sip of his beer. "Kitty's going to be sleeping for awhile. They made me leave." He raised an eyebrow. "Where the hell have you been? Eric said you left in a huff."

Hyde shook his head. "Hospitals creep me out, that's all." He swallowed.. Red looked back at the television. "Red, can I ask you something?"

Because whatever he was, Red never really denied that he loved Kitty. Hell, he'd asked everyone else, even the moron twins, so he might as well.

Red looked at him again, then made a face. "This isn't going to be some philosophical or girly, I wanna talk about feelings question, is it? Because if it is, I'm not playing."

"Sort of." Hyde moved to the couch and sat down. "I just...look, I need to figure something out, and I just thought you might be able to point me in the right direction."

Red studied him and Hyde tried not to cringe. "Something to do with Jackie, I take it." He grinned. "Eric told me Jackie followed you out after your little fit."

Hyde rolled his eyes. "Forman's dead," he mumbled.

"Stop griping, dumbass, and ask your question. I've got beer to drink and late night shows to watch."

Hyde took a deep breath. "Fine. I just...Look, how did you know that you were in love with Mrs. Forman?"

Red's expression didn't change, and for a moment, Hyde wondered if he was just cooking up a sarcastic enough comeback to lay on him.

"The only reason I'm going to answer this question is because it's about damn time you got your head out of your ass and did something about this situation with Jackie."

Hyde raised an eyebrow, and Red leaned forward, pointing at him.

"Don't give me that look, Steven. You kids all think we have no idea what goes on around here, when really, we know everything." He rolled his eyes. "We're not as stupid as you all seem to think."

"Are you going to answer?"

Red gave him a warning look, but then sat back. "Fine." He sighed. "Look, life is full of crap most of the time, right?"

Hyde nodded.

"And some crap is worse than other crap, got it? There's some crap that's just crap, other crap is damn crap."

Hyde nodded again.

"I knew that I loved Kitty when the damn crap was more like the normal crap just because she was there."

Hyde nodded once again. He stared at the coffee table. Was that how he felt about Jackie? Was that why she was always able to calm him down when the shit hit the fan?

"Okay, Steven, I answered your question. Now get the hell downstairs and go to bed. Tomorrow you and Eric are going to see Kitty and entertain her while my ears recover after I spend all morning listening to her make up for being unable to talk all night."

Later on, Hyde lay on his cot in the dark.

And he thought about Jackie. What was that Willow had told him? To think about how he felt when he was with Jackie or thought about her, some crap like that. And Red's advice....Kelso's....Fez's...Donna's....Forman's....

His eyes grew heavy.

Tomorrow he'd figure it out. For good.


	18. Real Love

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Warning:** Language

**Author's Note:** I lied. One more chapter after this. Kind of got away from me, so I broke the ending into two. I think you'll be pleased with the final chapter, which should come this weekend. Thank you SOOOO much for the reviews! And just for reading my little J/H story. :) I'm feeling a resurge of J/H love, so go back and reread my incomplete fics and think about which one you'd like me to concentrate on. I'll be conducting a little poll after this one is done. :) Thank you to everyone and anyone who reads my stuff. I really, really appreciate it!

**Imagine **

**Real Love **

_Lost like some forgotten dream _

For some reason, couldn't get comfortable in his chair. He tried slumping, tried sitting up straight. Tried crossing a leg on his knee, tried leaving both feet on the floor. Didn't work. The seat felt harder than normal. The back felt stiffer than normal. He shifted for the hundredth time and glanced at his watch. Noon. He frowned. Damn it all to hell this day was going freaking slow.

And it didn't help that Donna and Forman were sitting on the couch nuzzling one another. Or that Fez and Kelso were playing some dumb card game that Kelso made up and was probably cheating at. Or the goddamned television show, some moronic one that no one was paying attention to but no one cared enough to turn off.

"Fuck, why are we watching this show?" he said, getting up. He turned off the set, then stalked over to the stereo. Might as well have some decent music if he had to hang out with this idiots.

Where the hell was Jackie?

He swallowed and concentrated on putting a Zeppelin album on. So Jackie wasn't there. So she hadn't shown up all morning. So what?

He went back to his chair and ignored Donna's teasing smile. He sat and crossed his arms across his chest.

"What's wrong, Hyde? You're a little antsy today."

He rolled his eyes. His foot was tapping and he couldn't stop it. It pissed him off. He stood up and went back to the stereo. Whole Lotta Love wasn't what he was in the mood for.

Forman grinned at him. "I think someone's missing a certain someone else, someone who's close kin of the devil."

"Get bent," he snapped.

Where in the hell was she? It just wasn't normal. Wasn't like her. Wasn't like any of them to stay away with no word or whatfor. He put on another record and sighed. He'd watched her go in last night, seen the apartment building's door close behind her. She'd made it home. He'd seen that.

Still...

"You know what, Hyde, if it makes you feel better, I'll call her."

He didn't turn to acknowledge Donna. Whatever. The record spun around and he watched it.

Fuck. Nothing happened to her. It couldn't have. He'd seen her go inside.

"Hey Jackie. Where are you?"

A knot in his stomach he'd been ignoring tightened, then loosened. He took a slow breath, turned and walked back to his chair without looking at anyone. He closed his eyes and tried to think of something that would distract him.

Or just hide the fact that he was listening to Donna's conversation.

"Oh, you have a cold? Gee, imagine that. After walking home in the pouring rain all the way from the watertower."

Hyde rolled his eyes again. What in the hell was up with Donna sounding so pissed on Jackie's behalf? Since when was Donna Jackie's defender again?

His stomach hurt again. She was sick. Not surprising. Donna was freaking right.

"Okay, well, get some rest. Talk to you later."

He felt Donna's eyes on him. One minute. Two. Finally, and with an impatient, hardly muffled groan, he returned the look. "What?"

Donna pursed her lips. "Jackie's sick because of you."

He raised an eyebrow. "And you really care? You really care that much about Jackie?" He scoffed and stood up. "Right."

Hell, he wasn't the only one who'd treated Jackie like shit.

Donna stood as well, her face flushed. "Look, I know I was a jerk to her. I'm trying to make it up to her." She made a face. "Just because I'm not in love with her like that Wallie chick in New York..."

Hyde grimaced. "Willow. And that wasn't why Jackie liked her." Why he'd told Donna about Willow's crush, he still wasn't sure. And now he wished to God that he hadn't.

Donna raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Oh, come on, Hyde. Of course it was. Jackie loves to be loved. She never would have gone near a hippie unless her ego was being stroked."

Hyde stared at Donna and wished he could kick her ass. He'd never felt his face burn this way because of something Donna said. Never felt his hands shaking because of Donna. Never.

"Jackie liked Willow because she listened," he said. "Because Willow saw more than just the shallow stuff." He lifted an eyebrow and met Donna's eyes steadily. "You used to, too, Donna."

Donna said nothing, just stood there for a moment with her mouth open, but Hyde noticed the redness of her cheeks fade quickly. Her eyes dropped, and then she sat down.

Forman spoke up. "Do you, Hyde?"

Hyde looked at the ground.

"Because I think you do."

He thought of all they'd shared in New York, the raw emotion, the stuff with her bitch of a mother.

Of course he did. He always had.

Didn't that mean something? It had to. It had to mean something.

Love?

He shook his head. "Whatever. I'm going to see your mom before Red gets home and has a conniption fit because we haven't been there."

Just as he was at the door, Forman said his name. Hyde stopped but didn't turn.

"Your mom too, Hyde."

He nodded. "Yeah." He left.

Maybe later he'd say something to Forman. A thank you or whatever. Probably not. Maybe he'd just enlist Forman's help in burning the moron twins. Same thing. Forman would know. Their relationship was simple that way. They didn't really need words, especially specific words.

As he drove to the hospital, he thought of Jackie. And damned it all if he didn't wish that his relationship with her was just as simple.

_Seems like all I really was doing was waiting for you _

Jackie'd spent all morning on the couch, curled up in her favorite fuzzy pink blanket. She cuddled both a teddy bear and a box of Kleenex. She entertained herself by watching soap operas, where the man always, always came for the girl. Unless, of course, he was killed trying to do so, or kidnapped, or thwarted by the girl's evil twin. But he always at least made the attempt.

She blew her nose and watched as reunited lovers kissed passionately.

And she wondered if Steven would ever, ever come for her that way.

She frowned. Only instead of roses, he should bring soup. Despite the cold, she was hungry, and Steven used to make this amazing chicken soup for her when she was sick. She gave a huge sniff followed by a sneeze that left her dizzy.

Groaning, she lay back down and closed her eyes.

She'd love Steven forever, if only he'd just come to her.

"With soup," she mumbled as sleep began to overtake her.

_Don't need to be alone_

Hyde glared at Red as the older man skulked out of Mrs. Forman's hospital room. So much for confidences between men.

"Oh, Steven, now don't blame Red. I practically forced it out of him. That's what wives do, Steven, and that's what husbands do." She smiled. "And it seems to me, Steven, that you've done the same thing. With Jackie." She giggled. "Remember the ring Donna gave Eric? Didn't you tell Jackie how ugly Eric thought it was? Of course, it was hideous. I have to tell you, Hyde, that sometimes I really worry about that poor girl's taste."

Hyde gaped at Mrs. Forman.

"Well, Red told you that we know everything, didn't he?"

Hyde sighed and walked to the window. So what? So he talked to Jackie. About stuff. What the hell did that prove? Because Mrs. Forman was trying to say something, he knew it. He knew her. And that's what she did. Tried to say something without really saying it.

"Now Steven, why do you think you don't love Jackie?"

He closed his eyes. And sometimes she just got right to the point.

Jackie. God, why couldn't he just figure it out?

The frustration nearly erupting in him, he turned and went to his surrogate mother's bedside. "Look, I don't know that I don't," he said. "That's the problem." He looked up at the ceiling. "I mean, I know I feel something for her, Mrs. Forman. Something really strong. But how can it be love when I always want to hurt her? Whenever she pisses me off, I want to hurt her."

Mrs. Forman took his hand. "Oh, Steven, that's easy." She stroked his skin. "Now, look. I'm sure that at some point I've done something that's upset you, even though everything I've ever done for you has been out of love. I mean, my God, Steven, I've only ever tried to be your mother since your own mother was so...so...she was so...."

Hyde frowned as Mrs. Forman started to cough. "Mrs. Forman, are you okay?" She waved towards the side table where a pitcher of water was, and he poured her a cup. He handed it to her and watched her as she took a drink, another, and then the coughs faded.

She laughed and took another drink. "Oh, goodness, I'm sorry, Steven," she said. "I just get so angry when I think about what your mother did to you." She furrowed her brow. "Now, what was I saying? Oh!" She took his hand anad Hyde let her hold it. "Now as perfect as I am, I'm sure I've upset you at some point, and you've never wanted to get back at me, have you?"

Hyde shook his head and looked down. "No." How could he? For all her odd, sometimes frustrating and irritating tendancies, what she'd done for him far outweighed them. And he loved her. He could admit it. See? He knew he loved her and never wanted to hurt her. That's what love was. "Because I love you, Mrs. Forman."

Mrs. Forman's smile melted, her eyes widened, and she sniffed. "Oh, Steven, I know," she said.

"I know you do, sweetie, but its not the same." She sighed. "What about Donna? You've never wanted

to hurt her, have you?"

He shrugged. Not like he'd wanted to hurt Jackie, that's for sure, although a little while ago he might have said otherwise.

Mrs. Forman looked at him intently, and Hyde knew what the conclusion she wanted him to draw. That he did love Jackie, that she was the only one who could hurt him to the point that he had to hurt her just as badly in order to deal with it. Sure, he'd had those thoughts before.

It just didn't make any sense. Love couldn't possibly be that.

He dropped Mrs. Forman's hand. "Mrs. Forman, love can't be that. I mean, why would people actually _want_ that if it was?" He turned and went back to the window. The idea was the biggest load of crap he'd ever heard. Or thought. And when he'd thought it, he'd just cheated on Jackie with the nurse and wanted her back. He hadn't been thinking clearly.

Now he was, and saw the danger of thinking that way.

He stared outside. Pretty day, blue sky and sunshine. The colors of the grass and leaves and everything seemed bright. No doubt the rain last night helped. Of course, it made Jackie sick. He'd made Jackie sick. Just another item on the long, long list of ways he'd screwed up with Jackie.

He'd never get it right.

And someday she'd realize it. Then she'd give up. Leave. Find someone new. Someone better.

He wanted to vomit.

"Steven, do you really think love is all good and nothing bad or painful? Because, sweetie, if you do, you've have the wrong idea of what love is."

He turned around. "No, Mrs. Forman," he said, his voice not sounding steady in his own ears. His face felt hot and chest hurt, but he had to make her understand that it was Jackie's expectations of love that made the whole thing pointless. "Jackie has the wrong idea of what love is. She thinks love is all about presents and weddings and jewelry. She thinks it means that I'll give her whatever she wants whenever she wants. Or do whatever she wants." He swallowed hard. "Or be whoever she wants."

Even as he spoke, he felt the lie. His pulse raceds. So after he'd finished, he turned back to the window.

"Does she really think that, Steven?"

He felt cold. Didn't answer.

Didn't have to.

"Steven, I can't tell you if you love Jackie or not. What I can tell you is that I've never seen you put as much thought into something as you have into this."

He turned an d looked at her. She was giving him that "mother knows all" smile of hers, and he couldn't help but give a little grin back. He walked back over to her and took her hand. "Yeah. Probably ought to stop it, huh? I'm ruining your opinion of me." He forced himself to laugh.

Mrs. Forman didn't, and her smile fell. Her hand tightened around his. "Is that what you think? That if you do love Jackie, you're no longer Steven?"

All he could do was shrug.

Later, he went for a drive and thought about the last thing Mrs. Forman said to him. _"Steven, you don't have to be alone to be yourself." _

And he wondered – had he really been himself after the last breakup? With Sam? Without Jackie? All he'd done was drink and get high, have sex that meant nothing, work a little, but mostly mooch off a father willing to pay for his bastard son's affection.

Jackie wanted more.

Jackie saw more in him. And when he was with her, he saw more in him, too.

He slammed his hands on the steering wheel. "Damn it!"

_All my little plans and schemes _

Jackie reread the letter and smiled. It had come to her while she'd tried to nap – she had to make one last effort. One last argument, one last ace to play. She couldn't believe she'd forgotten about it, about that box hidden in the corner of Steven's room, the one with the pictures, and the notes, and other stuff. She'd remembered just before falling asleep, and after that, sleep was impossible. If she ever wanted to sleep again, she had to try one last time.

Really. One last time. Because of the box.

The one she'd found only a few weeks before the New York trip. The one Steven had kept all through his blasphemous marriage. The one he still kept. And she knew he looked at that stuff, because just a few days ago, she'd found it in a different spot.

A sneeze was coming on, so she put the letter down and rushed to the bathroom. After the bout was over, she looked in the mirror and groaned. "Oh, god," she whined. "I look terrible." Her hair was flat, her nose red, her skin pale and splotchy. Even her lips seemed devoid of the beautiful pearly pink they naturally were. And she knew that no amount of make up would help.

"What am I going to do?" she asked herself.

She pouted. "Willow would do it for me if she was here."

And then she smiled. Donna. Perfect. She apparently now wanted to get back in Jackie's good graces.

Maybe now, Jackie was in the mood to let her.

Jackie smiled and nodded. Yep. Perfect.

She left the bathroom and rushed to the phone. Hell, she'd kill two birds with one stone.

She'd get her best friend back.

She'd get Steven back.


	19. Love bw Woman

**Disclaimer: **Don't own.

**Warning: **Language

**Author's Note: **The end at last! What a fun story this has been to write - I only regret that it took me so freaking long to finish it. I'm sorry for that. I really hope you've enjoyed it. Thank you to everyone who's read, and a special, extra-huggy thank you to those who've reviewed! I've had amazing reviews on this story, and they mean so very much to me. Just a note about the song titles and lyrics used in this chapter. I used two Lennon songs, Love and Woman. The lyrics for the sections where its Hyde's point of view are from Love, and for Jackie's point of view, from Woman. (Remember, Love is Jackie's favorite Lennon song, and Woman is the song that...you'll see. Hee.) The last section is a combined lyric for a combined point of view. I hope that Hyde's conclusion about his feelings for Jackie is satisfying for everyone!

I asked you to think about what story you'd like me to focus on next. Since then, I've been inspired to do a sequel to Choice of a Lifetime, so that's what I'm going to do. It should be a relatively short story, though, so I'd still like to know which story you'd like me to continue soonest. :)

**Imagine **

**Love b/w Woman **

_Love is feeling, feeling love _

For the first time in Hyde's life, the circle wasn't working. He sat in his office with Leo, begging his head, his mind, to just let the stuff do its finest. But it did nothing. Didn't drive Jackie out of his mind. He could still hear her, see her, feel her touch.

Even the smoke looked like Jackie and he watched it. It fluttered around just like she always did. Then danced sexily, giving him that one smile that drove him insane. He shook his head and the smoke turned back into just smoke again. "Damn it," he muttered, looking down. That chick – hell, he was never going to get her out of his system. If even the circle couldn't do it, nothing else stood a chance.

Leo frowned at him. "What's the matter, man? You're mopey." His eyes lit up and he grinned. "You're in love with Loud Girl!"

Hyde glared at the man. "What in the hell are you talking about, Leo?"

Leo shrugged and took another hit. "Man, I don't know. Just came to me. You're always mopey when you have problems with Loud Girl." He gave a mellow nod and blinked his eyes slowly. "It was inspiration, man."

Hyde raised an eyebrow. "And here I thought you'd never remember that conversation."

Leo furrowed his brow. "What conversation? Hey, I thought Loud Girl went to Cairo. Did she come back?"

Hyde chuckled and looked down at the floor. "Yeah. She came back." He sighed and shook his head. Might as well spill his guts to Leo. Why the hell not? Chances were even better that he'd forget or mix it up later considering their activity. "The problem is that I don't know if I love her or not. I can't figure it out."

Leo nodded. "You know what I can't figure out? Jumbo shrimp." He shook his head. "Its shrimp, man, not jumbo. I mean, jumbo is, like, _big_, man, and I never seen a really big shrimp. Have you?"

"No." Hyde took the joint from Leo and took a hit, not that it was doing any good. He gave it back and grinned. "You spend a lot of time thinking about that?"

Leo smiled. "Yep." Then he frowned. "Why, don't you?"

Hyde sighed. Right. If only his biggest problem was the paradox of jumbo shrimp. "Kind of hard to, man," he said. "All I can think about is Jackie." Leo looked puzzled and Hyde rolled his eyes. "Loud Girl."

Leo pointed at Hyde. "That's your problem, man. You're thinking about it too much."

"So how else am I supposed to figure out what love is?"

Leo took a long hit. "Man, figuring out what love is is useless. Its like figuring out why the sky is blue. Water's blue, but the sky isn't water." He paused. "Is it?"

Hyde stifled a laugh. "No, man."

"So then, how is the sky blue. Does God use food coloring up there, or what?"

Hyde nodded. "Maybe."

Leo waved a hand. "But see, it doesn't matter, man. Whether you know what the sky is blue or not, its blue."

Hyde thought about it. Kind of made sense. He frowned. Holy shit, Leo was kind of making sense. Something was wrong, all right, but it was with him. Jackie had yet again poisoned him and now h e'd be dumb the rest of his life. She'd always made him stupid and now he was dumber than Leo with his fried brain. Probably dumber than Kelso, too, and that made him want to vomit. He swallowed hard. "Then how am I supposed to figure out if I love Jackie – Loud Girl – or not?"

Leo smiled again and handed him the joint. "You just feel, man. Just lay back and feel." He nodded, looking dreamy. "Yeah, man, feeling's great." He grinned. "Like jumbo shrimp."

Willow had told him something like that, about feeling, trust how you feel, some sort of crap like that. Hyde rubbed his temples. What the hell was with hippies and feeling?

_Please remember my life is in your hands _

"So, I just need to you to read this letter to Steven." Jackie licked her lips nervously, staring down at the words she'd written and praying to God they did the trick.

Donna sighed. "Jackie, why do I have to read it to him? Can't I just give it to him?"

Jackie shook her head and began pacing, brushing past her friend, then back again. Back again. And again. "No, you have to read it to him, Donna. Because I have to know for sure that he knows what I've said. And if you just give it to him, I don't know that he'll read it." She stopped walking just in front of Donna and let her right hand, the one holding the letter, fall to her side. Her eyes filled with tears. She let Donna see them. She had to. She had to do anything to ensure Donna do this for her.

It was probably her last chance.

"It might be my last chance with him, Donna," she said softly. Her heart tightened, and she tried not to cough. If she did, she'd start sobbing, just thinking of never having another shot to convince him. Of him moving on the way he'd tried to with Sam. The next time, he very well might succeed. "And I just..." Her voice broke; she looked down, closed her eyes. "I love him, Donna." She swallowed a sob. "I just love him."

She felt Donna's eyes on her, and she looked up. Donna had been looking irritated, and had been trying to convince her to just wait it out, but now the lumberjack's face had softened, the eyes shining with understanding and sympathy. Jackie held her breath.

And Donna gave her a slight smile. "Okay, midget. I'll do it."

Jackie hugged her like she hadn't hugged her best friend in a long time.

_Love is knowing we can be _

"You forget that we are both incredibly good looking, despite your scruff. And together, we put every other couple to shame and make them feel as bad as they should for not being as hot as we are. You forget that we both have amazing potential, and even more together. And you forget that we are both evil, and together we can put anyone in their proper place. That's probably the real reason Eric went to Africa. The prospect of us marrying and making his life eternal hell just by telling him the truth scared him all the way out of North America. Sorry, Donna, for being so powerful that it ruined your life."

Hyde sat on his cot while a rather uncomfortable looking Donna read Jackie's letter to him. He chuckled while she glared at him. Had to admit, the letter was good listening. Jackie'd varied telling him things she hated about him with things she loved about him. He crossed his arms and arched an eyebrow. "Go on, Big Red."

Donna rolled her eyes. "But most of all, Steven, you forget that we understand each other in a way no one else could." Her voice softened. "You know what it means when I make shallow, materialistic comments, like when I told Donna I couldn't live with her because she wasn't popular enough. And I know what you mean when you go Zen, every single time. You know I do, so don't make that face."

Donna looked up and laughed. "You are making a face!"

Hyde grimaced. "Shut the hell up and keep reading!"

"So, there. There's all of that, Steven, to show you that we love each other. Because if all of that isn't love..." Donna trailed off and looked up, now wearing her own strained smile. "She said I have to yell this part, but can I just read it normally?"

Hyde shook his head and grinned. "Nope. Better do it exactly like she said, or else it might not have the desired effect, and I'm sure she'll kick you." He shrugged. "Or at least throw Willow in your face."

Donna sighed. "Fine. If all of that isn't love to you, then YOU'RE AN ABSOLUTE IDIOT, STEVEN J. HYDE AND THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I'M GOING TO KICK BOTH YOUR SHINS AND BOTH YOUR KNEES!"

Hyde chuckled despite himself. Had to give Jackie credit. She told it like it was, at least how it was for her. And she was violent.

And funny - she'd made good points.

"By the way, Steven," Donna continued. "I know you've got a box of things that remind you of me hidden in your room. I also know that you threw away the poor, tacky, cheap, alleged clothing that your whore of an ex-wife left behind when she left. That means something, and you know it."

Hyde frowned. How in the hell did Jackie know about the box? Or the tube tops he'd wanted to burn but Red wouldn't let him so he'd made due with the trash can at the curb?

Donna looked up and winked. "She snooped and spied, Hyde, that's how she knows."

He nodded and gave a small smile. Yep. She was evil.

And he was proud of her. Underhanded, shady stuff that like, especially when she was the one doing it, impressed him. He supposed he'd have to add that to the list he'd started making.

"You may think that after everything, we can't be together, but Steven, I think we can. I think its all been leading to this fight. This has always been the issue. If you – we – figure it out, Steven, of course we can be together. Because I love you enough to forgive the past. Not forget. You know I won't. I don't forget anything, like I don't forget that you did ...." Donna cleared her throat. "SAY THAT YOU LOVED ME, YOU DUMBASS! NO TAKEBACKS!"

Hyde laughed.

Later, after Donna finished and left, Hyde lay on his cot , the letter under his pillow. Maybe osmosis would work. He'd put the Double Fantasy album he'd bought in New York on, and now Lennon was singing a sappy love song about a woman, Yoko, he supposed.

How had a man as cool as Lennon done it? Written such a sappy song, a ball-reducing song, and still manage to be cool?

He closed his eyes.

_You just feel, man. Just lay back and feel. _

There she was.

And there it all was, the feeling. The feeling when she smiled, or cried. The feeling when she laughed or yelled. The feeling when she did something evil, or did something sweet. The feeling of her curled in his arms. The feeling when she walked away from him. The feeling when she said his name, moaned it, whispered it. Screamed it.

When she told him she loved him.

When she fought for him, like she did before Chicago. Like she did with the letter Donna read to him.

Like she hadn't when Sam showed up.

His head was spinning. His stomach tumbling. But it was the most real, most alive, he'd ever felt. Whatever effects of the pot he'd smoked an hour ago had completely disintegrated. He was thinking clearly for the first time in what felt like years. Probably actually was years in fact.

He wanted to be a better person for her, like Forman said. He could talk to her, about anything, and she didn't judge, like Donna said. He could be the guy that someone actually wanted to stay with, kind of like what Fez said. He fantasized about her even while with other chicks, kind of like what Kelso said. She made the damn crap only crap, like Red said.

He'd only ever wanted to hurt her after she hurt him. And she had. He admitted it. She'd hurt him. Like Kitty said.

She was the only one he ever got jealous over, and despite what that fruit-cake Shawn said, it meant something.

And he did feel. When he was with her. When he thought of her. When she breathed. Willow told him to trust that. Maybe he should. God knows he'd never felt anything like this for anyone else. Or anything else. Not even Zeppelin. Not even Camaros. Not even fries. Or beer. Or pot. Nothing.

Most of all, every little thing she did kept him there watching her. Needing...no, having to watch her as much as he had to breathe.

His eyes opened, and he sat up. "Damn it," he muttered. He stood up and started pacing. Now he had an entirely different problem to figure out.

How in the hell could he tell her that he loved her without becoming a total pussy like Forman?

John Lennon continued to sing.

_I love you, yeah, yeah, now and forever.... _

_I love you, yeah, yeah, now and forever.... _

He glanced at his record player and grinned.

Problem solved.

_And woman, I will try to express _

The couch was so comfortable, and Jackie felt drousy. But she had to fight it. She tried to focus on the television, the people talking. She tried to understand what they were saying and what they meant. Surely Steven would be here soon and he'd have plenty to say. He'd better, anyway. She couldn't be sleepy. Though as her eyelids became too heavy to hold open, she had a fuzzy thought that two hours had passed since Donna called and told her she'd read the letter to Steven.

Two hours. Did he really need to think about it for two hours? Or...had it failed?

Pain began to give way to sleep, and with a sigh, she let it. Her eyes closed completely and the darkness was pretty.

There was a noise. The door? Who cares. She turned her face into the cushion.

"Jackie."

Sounded like Steven's voice. So sexy...low...kind of gruff...Steven...

"Jackie, you sleeping?"

She sat straight up, sleep forgotten, and there he was. "Steven," she gasped. He smiled at her, that soft one, and her heart began to race. She could hardly breathe.

Then his smile faltered. "You feeling okay?"

And she remembered that she was sick, that she must look horrible. Her skin all blotchy, her nose red and runny, her eyes dull. So she stood and ran past him into her bedroom and dove into her bed. She pulled the covers over her head. Damn it, why hadn't she done something about how she looked? How could she have expected him to grovel if she looked like complete crap? How could she have forgotten that?

"Jackie, come on. Come out of there."

She pouted. "No." He sounded close, right next to her bed, and despite herself, she shivered. Steven next to her bed. God...

He chuckled. "You don't look bad." He paused. "Rudolph."

She threw off the covers and popped up, looking up into Steven's smirk. "What is that supposed to mean?"

He grinned and touched her nose. "Rudolph the red-nosed Jackie."

After glaring at him and his delightful sense of humor for a few satisfactory seconds, she burrowed back under the covers and flopped over so her back was to him. "I'm sick, Steven. Oh, and by the way, its YOUR fault!" She sniffled as tears filled her eyes. Like he gave a damn. He just came over to make fun of her, not to admit her undying love. Bastard! She coughed. And coughed. Coughed some more until she felt his hand on her back. He rubbed softly, and even through the comforter and blanket, his hand felt warm. Her coughing slowed, then stopped.

"I know, Jackie. That's why I brought you a present."

Again she flipped the covers off and sat up. "Present?" She noticed that he held a square package wrapped in newspaper, about the size of a record. She smiled. "Oh, Steven, for me?"

He grinned and held it out to her. "Its not shiny, but..." His smile disappeared and he swallowed. "Look. Just...there's a song I want you to listen to, okay? And then you'll know how I fe..." He coughed. "How I feel about you."

He wouldn't look at her now – his eyes dropped to the floor. She smiled and ran her fingers over the record. "Steven..."

"Just...Look, I gotta get back to the store. So just listen to it, and then...whatever."

Before she could stop him, he'd left, and Jackie sat still until she heard the front door of her aparment close. Within seconds, she'd opened the wrapping, read his note, gone to her record player and put on the track he'd told her to.

John Lennon started singing about a woman. He told her he'd try to tell her his feelings, his gratefulness. He told her she understood him. He told her his life was in her hands. He asked her to love him. He told her it – they – were written in the stars. He told her he never meant to hurt her.

He told her he loved her. Over and over.

She started to cry. She trembled. She was so warm, so alive, so amazed...and nothing else mattered but knowing that Steven loved her.

_I love you, yeah yeah, now and forever _

_I love you, yeah yeah, now and forever _

And not thinking, only feeling, Jackie ran out of her room. She had to get to Steven.

_Love is you, you and me _

Hyde stood in the doorway and waited. His foot tapped. His chest hurt, his stomach too. He wanted to pace, but couldn't seem to make himself move.

She came barrelling out but stopped instantly when she saw him. "Steven," she breathed, panting, her face flushed and tear shining both in her eyes and on her cheeks. "I thought...you..."

He lifted a shoulder and cleared his throat. "Yeah, I...I didn't leave."

Nothing like stating the obvious.

Jackie smiled slightly and put her hand over her heart. He wondered if it was pounding as hard as his was. Probably. And he wanted to feel it. She took a step towards him. "Did you mean it? Are you...are you really sure?"

He nodded and stepped, just once, towards her. "I'm sure. And I mean it."

The light in her eyes and the pink roses spreading through her cheeks made it all worth it, all the confusion, all the anger, all the damned ball-shrinking analysis of his damned feelings.

He took another step. "Look, I'm don't know how to explain it. And god only knows why the hell this happened. All I know is..." He took a deep breath. "All I know is that I do."

She took a few more steps to him, until she was only about two feet in front of him. She cocked her head and smiled sexily at him. "Do what?"

He rolled his eyes. "Can't you just take John Lennon's word for it?"

Damn it, the pout. Out went her lip, puppy went her eyes, and down went all his resistence to this chick.

He sighed. "Fine. I..." He stared at her. So beautiful. And evil.

And damn it, everything he needed. Everything he wanted.

He released another breath. Didn't take his eyes off hers. "I love you, Jackie."

She made some weird sort of squeal that sounded almost as good to him as Zeppelin and catapulted herself into his arms.

"How did you figure it out, Steven?"

He held her and grinned down at her. "Did the math. Unfortunately, it added up in your favor."

She swatted him, but then kissed him.

And kissed him more. More. More.

After a few long, hot, incredibe minutes of kissing, she pulled away, groaned and dropped her head to his shoulder. He rubbed her back. He supposed a declaration of love was worth it if this was what he got.

Hell yeah, it was.

"I don't feel well, Steven. You need to make me that chicken soup."

Then again...

"Jackie, that stuff takes an hour to make."

But she pouted again, and in a few minutes, he was off to the store to get the stuff he needed to make her damned chicken soup. And the funny thing was, he didn't mind at all. He even smiled at the chick who rang up his groceries even though she'd screwed up three times and had to call a manager for help.

Yeah. It was love, alright.

_However distant, don't keep us apart _

It had been such a long time since Jackie had laid on a couch with her head in Steven's lap. She couldn't remember the last time he worked his fingers through her hair the way he did now, sometimes scratching with a light touch so surprising for someone so supposedly emotionless. And so now, she savored it. She let her eyes close occassionally, sighed softly off and on so he knew he was doing good. She was warm from the soup, warmer still from him, and she'd never felt as happy to be alive as she did this moment.

For his part, Steven didn't complain about the soap opera they watched. He did make repeated smart-ass comments. That was to be expected, and actually amused her.

But mostly, they just sat together, quiet.

She smiled and closed her eyes again as his fingers stroked her head. This should last forever. This should happen every night. If only this lasted forever, happened every night, she'd give up on all her materialistic desires.

Her eyes opened. Except the diamond ring. She couldn't give up on that. She just couldn't.

"Steven?" she asked without thinking.

She had to know.

"Yeah, baby?"

Her heart caught. Baby. She loved it when he called her that. Surely she could ask him and he wouldn't get mad, wouldn't get paranoid and run off taking everything he'd said and done today back.

Then again, maybe he would. He was still Steven. He still waited two hours before coming to her. He was still an ass when he wanted to be.

She swallowed hard. "Nothing. Never mind."

He sighed and though she sensed his irritation, she pretended not to notice. Hoped he'd forget.

"Jackie, just..." He paused and it sounded like he took a deep breath. "Just ask me what you want to ask me, okay?"

She sat up. He wasn't glaring, wasn't making a face; just looking at her. She tried to smile and take his hand. "Okay," she said, deciding that he'd asked for it and if he ended up being an ass, he had noone to blame but himself.

She had to know.

"Now, look. I'm not asking you to propose right here and now, or even next week."

His eyebrow went up and she found herself speaking faster and faster.

"I just need to know if you can even...imagine being married to me, Steven. And I swear I won't ask you any more about it. I just need to know."

She gasped and covered her mouth with a shaking had. Was it too late to take it back? Had she really, really asked that? Why in the hell couldn't she just be satisfied with all that he'd done today? The song, the words, the soup, the holding, the love...WHY?

She wanted to scream.

And then he smirked. "I can imagine you feeling better so we can go do it the rest of the day."

She swatted his arm and pulled her hand out of his. "Steven!"

Instead of answering, he put his arm around her shoulder and drew her to him. She didn't fight, too tired to, and her head landed on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and tried to forget she'd asked. She tried to just enjoy the closeness. Steven's hand plunged into her hair and his gentle massage of her scalp made her sleepy again.

Just as she was dipping into sleep, he spoke. Softly, but loudly enough for her to hear him.

"I can imagine it, Jackie."

She shot up, instantly energized, and moved so she was sitting on his lap.

He could imagine marrying her!

She wanted to sing, to scream, to dance. Her heart beat so fast and so joyously, she could hardly breathe. But instead of spastically dancing around the room, she put her hands in his hair and gave him the sexiest smile she could muster. "Oh, Steven," she breathed. She licked her lips. "I feel better now, baby." Her hands slipped down to his chest and she rubbed. "So much better."

Two seconds later, he had her on his shoulder and headed towards her bedroom. She squealed , then laughed, then put her hands on his butt and told him to hurry.

Because he DEFINITELY deserved a reward for this, her cold be damned.

_So let me tell you again and again and again love is real, real is love _

"Once a month."

"Once every four hours."

"Once every other week."

"Once a day."

"Once a week."

"Once a day."

Hyde glared at his girlfriend. "Jackie, I'm not telling you once a day. Crap, you're lucky I offered once a week."

Jackie glared right back. "Steven..." And then she smiled and pulled herself closer to Steven in the bed. She started kissing his neck and pressed her chest and hips as near to him as she could. Planting little kisses up to his ear, she gave him a little lick just below his earlobe. "How about now, Steven?"

His eyes closed and he winced. "Uh...." She bit him lightly, and all he could feel was the blood leaving his head and heading south. His skin was erupting, and he couldn't think quite clearly. "Once every other day."

"HA!" She pulled back and gave Steven a triumphant smile. His expression immediately soured and she put her index finger in his face. "And you can't take it back. That was a bona fide offer, and your stuck with it!"

Hyde sighed, shook his head, and slapped her ass. "Damn it, Jackie," he said. Shaken down yet again, for the millionth time, by a 95 pound brunette with pink toenails.

"AND, you have to say it before we have sex."

He stared at her.

She gave him a sweet smile.

And then her hand slipped down.

"Damn it, Jackie, fine!"

He grabbed her hand and stilled it. She looked at him with those freaking wide, innocent eyes, but he kept his expression Zen. "But if I say it twice in one day, I'm off the hook for the next three days, even if we do have sex."

She pouted, but then smiled. Steven had given up an awful lot, and she'd better not push her luck. She kissed his lips softly. "Okay, Puddin' Pop. Deal." Then she giggled and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Oh, I'll have you actually wanting to say it before you know it!"

Hyde ignored her and planted a kiss on her.

And he tried to ignore as well the nagging suspcion in his mind that his chick was right about that.

Later, they lay in Jackie's bed listening to the album he'd given her.

"I read somewhere that John Lennon was really happy at the end," Jackie said sleepily, having been thoroughly loved. She lay on Steven's chest and rubbed her hand over his stomach. "I mean, he had Yoko, and their baby, and they were recording again." She lifted her head and looked at her sweet Steven. "So thats good at least, right?"

Hyde smiled and reached up to brush a few strands of sweaty hair off Jackie's forehead. "Yeah, that's good," he said.

And it was. Lennon found peace before he died. Hyde supposed one couldn't ask for much more than that. As he gazed up at his girlfriend, he smiled. Maybe he'd found that, too. In Jackie.

Oh, hell. He'd always appreciated irony.

Jackie gasped and put her hand to her heart. "Steven, I really AM your Yoko!" The thought brought tears to her eyes. She touched his cheek. "Aren't I? Your Yoko?"

She held her breath.

Hyde pulled her down until her still red nose touched his. "Yeah. You're my Yoko."

He shut her up with a kiss.

_She_ made him yell for God. Repeatedly.

Jackie bet Yoko would be proud of her.

Hyde imagined wherever Lennon was, he was cheering him on.

And neither of them had ever been happier.


End file.
